If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink, it’s argue about really important stuff like which type of pizza is better. Here’s what it sounds like when when we do both at the same time.
The Drunken Argument For New York Pizza
I don’t know what happened to the Italians that migrated from New York to Chicago, but apparently on the way there they forgot how to make fuggin pizza. One slice of deep dish pizza and suddenly I feel like asking someone to grab a coat hanger and follow me into a back alley. You get filled up with a bunch of dough, which is the cheapest part of a pizza. It’d be like paying for a hooker and having her spend 90% of her time giving you an HJ.
Pizza, much like a woman, shouldn’t be thick and sloppy, it should be thin and tight and listen when you talk to it, and not call its mother every god damned day just to check in – Pizza should be thin. Good New York pizza is crispy and light, and allows you to consume a shit pile of beer. If I wanted to eat something cheesy and doughy, I’d eat Jim Belushi.
The Drunken Argument For Chicago Deep Dish Pizza
What are you afraid of you little whiny bitch? Awww, too much food for you, huh? Here’s you when you see some real-assed Chicago Deep Dish Pizza, "Oh no! I can’t eat all that food! Give me some itty bitty baby pizza! Waaah! My vagina aches!" That’s what you sound like. Why don’t you sack up, sit down and eat like a man. This is America, asshole. Food is supposed to be big, round and full of fuggin’ cheese. "New York pizza" costs a dollar and tastes like sweaty cardboard. Chicago pizza will make your heart cry.
And don’t give me "New York pizza is real pizza." The pizza we eat was invented in America. The same place that invented the 50 pound cheeseburger and heart disease. What sounds more like a meal: A quarter inch of floppy, soggy "crust" sprinkled with a tablespoon of processed cheese or a crust piled higher than your last five shits swimming in two pounds or real cheese and a bucket of sauce. The only time I ever eat New York pizza is at three o’clock in the morning after eight hours of drinking or when I lost my job and got tired of eating newspaper.
Now it’s your turn to chime in. Just follow these easy steps:
Step 1: Drink 7 beers
Step 2: Vote (You can vote as often as you want. Just refresh the page to vote again or see the newest results)
Step 3: Type whatever stream of consciousness bullshit that comes into your head on this topic in the comment section.
Step 4: Continue being awesome