If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink, it’s argue about really important stuff like which 80s rock bands were better. Here’s what it sounds like when when we do both at the same time.
The Drunken Argument For David Lee Roth-era Van Halen
Axl Rose is a little red-headed bitch. When he’s not showing up four hours late for a show because he had therapy to remember the time his dad raped him or something, he’s giving himself corn rows and gaining 35 pounds. GNR had one good album. Great. So did Enuf Z’ Enuff (another band with a stupid-assed apostrophe in their name.) Diamond Dave-era Van Halen had five amazing albums. And I’m pretty sure Eddie Van Halen invented the guitar.
You know what Van Halen did when they were rock stars? They acted like fuggin’ rock stars. David Lee Roth had so much unprotected sex that he probably gave himself AIDS. Eddie Van Halen did a shitload of drugs and married an underage sitcom star. Michael Anthony grew a mullet and played a goddamn Jack Daniels bass. And Alex probably did something awesome, although no one’s really ever heard him speak. What did GNR do? Axl whined about his feelings and Slash wore a top hat. A top hat? Are you kidding me? What is he? A goddamn Broadway dancer? And what did they do to Steven Adler, the only guy who was actually a rock star in that band? They KICKED HIM OUT?! GNR wasn’t a band. They were a bunch of pussy-assed pussies being bitch-assed bitches.
The Drunken Argument For Guns N’ Roses
Guns N’ Roses is the greatest band in the history of music. Van Halen is a former cover band that actually thought it would be a good idea to put “Pretty Woman” on one of their albums. If you like Van Halen more than Guns N’ Roses, that’s the biggest problem in your life right now.
Every time I hear Appetite for Destruction I want to punch someone in the face and put on a bandana and a backwards baseball hat. GNR wrote bad ass songs like Welcome to the Jungle and Paradise City and that hidden Charles Manson cover at the end of the Spaghetti Incident? Every Van Halen song is just an excuse for Eddie to noodle on the guitar and pretend he didn’t steal tapping from Randy Rhodes. Eddie’s biggest hit was a song he wrote on the freaking keyboard. That’s like saying Michael Jordan’s best game ever was in a White Sox uniform.
GNR even looked awesomer than VH. Axl Rose made kilts and chest protectors look cool. Slash had a signature hat. Duff had a signature liver. What does Eddie have, signature throat cancer? And now look at Van Halen. It’s a damned family reunion. Eddie on guitar, Alex on drums, Wolfgang on bass. I don’t know who the lead singer is now, probably one of the Nelson brothers. At least GNR is aging properly as a band by making sound decisions like replacing their iconic guitarist with a guy who wears a KFC bucket on his face.
So yeah, we’ve got one dangerous rock n’ roll band whose debut album changed your life. Then we have one pop band with a revolving door at lead singer that manufactured three radio singles per album and liked making third grader puns. (For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge spells F.U.C.K.! Hilarious!) To all you Van Halen fans out there, O U eat my shit, douchebags.
Now it’s your turn to chime in. Just follow these easy steps:
Step 1: Drink 7 beers
Step 2: Vote (You can vote as often as you want. Just refresh the page to vote again or see the newest results)
Step 3: Type whatever stream of consciousness bullshit that comes into your head on this topic in the comment section.
Step 4: Continue being awesome
(Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)