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Drunken Argument Friday: David Lee Roth-era Van Halen or Guns N’ Roses?

If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink, it’s argue about really important stuff like which 80s rock bands were better. Here’s what it sounds like when when we do both at the same time.
The Drunken Argument For David Lee Roth-era Van Halen
Axl Rose is a little red-headed bitch. When he’s not showing up four hours late for a show because he had therapy to remember the time his dad raped him or something, he’s giving himself corn rows and gaining 35 pounds. GNR had one good album. Great. So did Enuf Z’ Enuff (another band with a stupid-assed apostrophe in their name.) Diamond Dave-era Van Halen had five amazing albums. And I’m pretty sure Eddie Van Halen invented the guitar.
You know what Van Halen did when they were rock stars? They acted like fuggin’ rock stars. David Lee Roth had so much unprotected sex that he probably gave himself AIDS. Eddie Van Halen did a shitload of drugs and married an underage sitcom star. Michael Anthony grew a mullet and played a goddamn Jack Daniels bass. And Alex probably did something awesome, although no one’s really ever heard him speak. What did GNR do? Axl whined about his feelings and Slash wore a top hat. A top hat? Are you kidding me? What is he? A goddamn Broadway dancer? And what did they do to Steven Adler, the only guy who was actually a rock star in that band? They KICKED HIM OUT?! GNR wasn’t a band. They were a bunch of pussy-assed pussies being bitch-assed bitches.
The Drunken Argument For Guns N’ Roses
Guns N’ Roses is the greatest band in the history of music. Van Halen is a former cover band that actually thought it would be a good idea to put “Pretty Woman” on one of their albums. If you like Van Halen more than Guns N’ Roses, that’s the biggest problem in your life right now.

Every time I hear Appetite for Destruction I want to punch someone in the face and put on a bandana and a backwards baseball hat. GNR wrote bad ass songs like Welcome to the Jungle and Paradise City and that hidden Charles Manson cover at the end of the Spaghetti Incident? Every Van Halen song is just an excuse for Eddie to noodle on the guitar and pretend he didn’t steal tapping from Randy Rhodes. Eddie’s biggest hit was a song he wrote on the freaking keyboard. That’s like saying Michael Jordan’s best game ever was in a White Sox uniform.
GNR even looked awesomer than VH. Axl Rose made kilts and chest protectors look cool. Slash had a signature hat. Duff had a signature liver. What does Eddie have, signature throat cancer? And now look at Van Halen. It’s a damned family reunion. Eddie on guitar, Alex on drums, Wolfgang on bass. I don’t know who the lead singer is now, probably one of the Nelson brothers. At least GNR is aging properly as a band by making sound decisions like replacing their iconic guitarist with a guy who wears a KFC bucket on his face.
So yeah, we’ve got one dangerous rock n’ roll band whose debut album changed your life. Then we have one pop band with a revolving door at lead singer that manufactured three radio singles per album and liked making third grader puns. (For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge spells F.U.C.K.! Hilarious!) To all you Van Halen fans out there, O U eat my shit, douchebags.
Now it’s your turn to chime in. Just follow these easy steps:
Step 1: Drink 7 beers
Step 2: Vote (You can vote as often as you want. Just refresh the page to vote again or see the newest results)
Step 3: Type whatever stream of consciousness bullshit that comes into your head on this topic in the comment section.
Step 4: Continue being awesome
(Note: Poll results are slightly delayed)

40 Responses to "Drunken Argument Friday: David Lee Roth-era Van Halen or Guns N’ Roses?"

  1. Anonymous says:

    “Fuckin Ninja” is probably the only one of you fags that actually followed step 1.

  2. Claynoid says:

    If the number of dicks you can count in a band photo means your good then VH wins for sure.VH : 2 GNR: 0

  3. fiajsdofjasfd says:

    fucking van halen is kind of gay rock. just watch the ‘jump’ video and soon you will realize that they all touch each others private penises.
    on the other hand, guns and roses is kind of fag, i mean roses? who the fuck cares about roses? that’s only for those swords-eating guys.
    so, concluding, the rock bands are just three beer away from homosexuality and/or bestiality (with animal males)

  4. Anonymous says:

    GNR partied harder, but they learned their shit from VH.

    Without Van Halen there would not be a GNR (at least one that sold albums and made money).

    Punk-ass Axl should be kissing Diamond Dave’s ass every day for him paving the way for a flamoboyant ROCK front man.

  5. Meeeee says:

    All of them are fecal tasting,ass licking,monkey butt raping, douche nozzle eating,cock whiffing,fucktards.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Axl Rose fought Tommy Hilfiger. GNR loses.

  7. BSD says:

    Yeah, I’d say for this contest to be fair you’d have to compare DLR era Van Halen with Slash era G’N'R.

    About the whole “no brown m&m’s” thing though, it wasn’t actually some asshole rockstar move on VH’s part. It was a part of their rider, which (for those who don’t know) is a document that specifies all the food/booze/live animals the band needs backstage at every show.

    It also specifices how the stage needs to be set up, and power supply needs, which is important, because if these directions aren’t properly followed it can result in a band member being electrocuted /set on fire etc (ask James Hetfield about that).

    So why the “No brown M&M’s” thing? Well, it was put there as a test. If a little detail like that was caught by the people putting on the show, then Van Halen could be pretty certain that the people at the venue had actually read the rider, and that they also followed the important directions too. If they found brown M&M’s then there was a possibility that the people putting on the show had fucked up other things too, and that means the playing conditions might not be safe. That might not sound badass, but its tough to enjoy all the groupies and free blow when you’ve been electrocuted by your amp or mic.

  8. inkngrease says:

    Van Halen? Guns and Roses? screw that. the real rcok stars from that era are Motley Crue. Drug addiction. jail time. Rocking faces off. Hell, Vince even killed a guy!they didn’t bitch about an ex wife like axel, and they didn’t “jump” around like a hyper active 6 year old. they went out on stage and looked like bad asses, even though they where wearing lipstick.

    Plus, I’m pretty sure tommy has fucked more people that the IRS.

    but as far as this argument goes, GNR by a long shot. I could listen to welcome to the jungle right now and get just as pumped as I was the first time I ever heard it.

  9. inkngrease says:

    A. it’s only gay if you make eye contact or you’re really gay about it.

    B. mustaches are awesome, and all art should be judged on a scale of Ricky Ricardo to Wilfred Brimley.

  10. Redrum says:

    Without Eddie, most of the the guys like Slash who gigged the Strip in VH’s wake never even pick up a guitar to begin with. I don’t know what’s more pathetic, all the suck ass dweeb video guitar players who think Slash was something great, or the fact that that stoner hair ball can’t even play Unchained properly. You know, that song that the rest of us who actually like great guitar, learned when we were 12 and if you couldn’t play that, you had to play bass. Slash obviously never got the memo.

    GNR blowz and yes Axl is a red-headed bitch with his little homo snake dance and the day some new guitar player makes it big and says he was influenced by Slash, I’ll jump on my roof with an automatic weapon.

    Paradise City, Civil War, November Rain!? What complete faggotry. Just look at the Joe the Plummer, untalented, tin ear jaggoff who’ll drop a quarter in the juke box to listen to that shit. Right after selecting Gimmie 3 Steps or Back in Black that is. Yeahhhh!! Nothing says skinny boot wearing, tattooed, white cracker rebel rock and like GNR. Woohoo!

    Ieeee…Ieeee…Ieeee!!! Shut up and F U! you homo A-hole Axl!! You sound like a puss who’s never been laid and learn how to play that thing instead of pullin on those same two strings like an old lady whose magically found a young penis in her hand Slash, you brain dead moron. I don’t know who’s more over-rated, you, BB King, Kirk Hammett, or John Mayer and I’ll throw in that web-fingered, afraid to skip a fret for fear of getting a cramp, Ritchie Sambora for good measure. Even Mel Bay frowns on you Turds.

  11. Anonymous says:

    Look at their after work, I would rather wait 75 years and then listen to the piece of shit Chinese democracy for the rest of my life than hear Diamond Dave sing ‘Just a Gigalo’ one more time.

  12. Anonymous says:

    Appetite for Destruction probably kicks more ass than any single VH album.

    But as a band, Van Halen by a mile. Dave raised the level of asshole rock stars into the stratosphere. And say what you want about Eddie and his lack of brown M&M’s, the man still shreds. GN’R were a great band for a couple of years before Axl went off the deep end with that recluse act, the spiritual gurus and all the other Spinal Tap shit he pulled after Slash decided he didn’t need that kind of drama.

    For those of you who think GN’R were that much better of a band, let me ask you this. Did Van Halen ever resort to a dude with a KFC bucket on his head? I think not. (Even though it would have helped that guy from Extreme who became the lead singer after Hagar.)

  13. Kevin W says:

    GNR has a ginger kid for a front man. Van Halen wins.

  14. cory says:
    Can we go drinking sometime? I think we’d get along.
  15. Anonymous says:

    Fuck axl

    Fuck Diamond Dave

    Van Halen will always be better than GNR

  16. Meeeee says:

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  17. DENVER FTW!! says:

    Slash is awesome fuck you faggots

  18. Anonymous says:

    I think I speak for everyone here when I say

    “Wait, What?”

  19. Anonymous says:



  20. Anonymous says:

    Guns N Roses suck dick. Sammy Hagar era Van Halen even beats them, hell, Nickelback beats them. GNR is s=just shit.

  21. Anonymous says:

    Jesus, I’m not trying to get it on with the members of the band, I’m just trying to listen to good music. Arguing about who had the better fashion or who was more of an asshole is like judging paintings based on who had the better mustache.

  22. Anonymous says:

    they both suck..The only talent within those two are slash and eddie…without those two guys, this agruement wouldnt exist.

  23. inkngrease says:

    ahhhhhh. words of wisdom.

  24. Ookla the Mok says:

    1st GNR album was the only one that was any good AT ALL. No no, no argument. The rest of their shit was strictly powered by their earlier success. They made a big splash then rode the wave. I listen to Appetite now though and Axl sounds like a fuckin muppet. I cannot take him seriously at all anymore. At least when VH covered a tune it was a decent cover. GNR raped Nazareth’s Hair of the Dog. Raped it from every direction.

    Both bands are full of a bunch of assholes. Van Halen made more music of quality, were far less pussy (don’t remind me of Roth’s solo dreck), and rolled like real rockstars.

    GNR made one album that was nearly %100 good followed by such pure ass, it made me switch on the Hate light. I mean, what happened? Did someone else write the 1st one? Their captive genie died of heroine OD? Axl sounds like Meatwad singing (which is nearly cool-beans in theory). But I grew to hate GNR for much the same reason that most of the dudes I know hate the movies E.T. and Titanic: too many open-mouth fanboi twats running around living and breathing it. Hype overload.

    I confess I’m not drunk …. but I am very stoned. Hope I’m not disqualified. Van Halen is teh besto.

  25. Anonymous says:

    It’s a tough one. I want to say Guns N’ Roses kicked more ass, but Van Halen basically paved the road GNR coasted to success on. I think GNR were definitely a much harder group of dudes than VH in their prime, but they wouldn’t have been nearly as successful if VH never happaned.

    However, VH definitely rocked a lot longer and hit the road way more than GNR ever did. Being on the road can really make a person hard. If anything, VH’s “tame” demeanor now is basically because they don’t have to act tough. They’ve probably seen and done more than GNR ever did.

  26. Anonymous says:

    patience, don’t cry, november rain, civil war, you could be mine.

    and i’m only naming songs that became popular enough as to be recognizable by much of the general public

  27. Anonymous says:

    aight im back fucker and I take offense to that. Only certian, LARGE amounts of money could get me to suck balls.

    /gay for pay
    //Wait, that all was REALLY gay
    ///already drunk

  28. CruleMAN says:

    Shotgun Blues..Used to love her…November rain…Garden Of Eden…Get in the Ring…BREAKDOWN! Suck on that. Eddie is a douche…

  29. cruleman says:

    hahaha! true that ! really its about the music. I really like them both. I just was more aware when GNR came out! they both rocked ass! peace out!

  30. Anonymous says:

    Every one of those songs besides November Rain sucks balls

  31. CruleMAN says:

    and im guessing, so do you…HAHAHA man Im wasted

  32. Dom says:

    Really? Sweet Child o’ mine is the deciding factor? Wow! Good call. You have no musical taste.

  33. FINGLARS! says:

    They both suck monkeyballs, but wenever Eddie Van Halen played a solo he had this douche look on his face like, “Hey kids, I’m really awesome and stuff”. And sweet child o’ mine was pretty catchy so i gotta go with guns and roses.

  34. sam says:

    7 beers???? I had that for breakfast. Anyway, Van Halen wins going away. They were the benchmark for all other 80′s rock bands including GNR. Your next “drunken argument” should be judas priest vs. the cult. Long live 80′s rock!!!!!

  35. uglysexy says:
    guns and roses wins this…van halen was never good…. at least axl was good a few times
  36. Anonymous says:

    I’m gonna say Van Fuckin Halen, pretty much strictly on the grounds that Axl is such a bitch boy its not even funny. I was at a concert last night, and the band did a KICK ASS cover of hot for teacher. I came. It was insane. This brings me to my next fuckin point, I don’t really like either of these bands. When a prog rock/jam band can cover one of your songs, and blow your version OUT OF THE WATER, then really, what the fuck? These guys even had the drummer singing and playing the drum part to that song. Basically the moral of this story is that if someone were to go back in time and literally wipe the 80′s away from the time-space continuum, it would be the best fucking thing to happen to the world since that huge fucking dino battle that happened between like 40 T-Rex’s or something like a million years ago. So here’s to sobriety, fuck that shit.

  37. FUCKIN NINJA says:

    dudes fuckin guns and the roses of course eddie van halen invented stealing shit form ranyd rhodes and thats it fuck van halen they turned into van hagar at least guns rocked until the end

  38. Anonymous says:

    oh fuck this shit. You wanna know why you suck, because you’re fucking gay, thats why. Clearly only a queer ass like you would 1) proclaim themselves as a “FUCKING NINJA” or whatever you think you are, and 2) Would think that a band fronted by bitch by Axl rose is better than van halen. Name 3 good songs they had that WEREN’T on appetite for destruction. you fucking can’t. BOOM

  39. Anonymous says:

    Eddie Van Halen did the guitar solo for Beat It. Van Halen wins hands down.

  40. Anonymous says:

    Nirvana told both of them to suck it. Then Kurt put a shotgun in his mouth, presumably because he heard Axl was trying to get Eddie to play on Chinese Democracy.