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Drunken Argument Friday: Epic Beard Man vs. Techno Viking

If there’s one thing we like more than drinking, it’s arguing about really stupid things, like if Epic Beard Man could beat Techno Viking in a fist fight.  Here’s what it looks like when we do both at the same time:
Drunken Argument for Epic Beard Man 
At first glance, Epic Beard Man and Techno Viking seem very different. One is 67 years old, and the other is young.  One wears a shirt, and the other does not. One dance-marches in the street, and the other beats the hell out of strangers on a public bus.  Upon closer inspection, however, both of these barbarians share some common traits: they both have beards, they both wear fanny packs, and both of them are incredibly intimidating and inexplicably angry.  Techno Viking seems to have an advantage, in that he comes with an army of angsty goth ravers who tend to his every need, but Epic Beard Man would run through that Raver Army like a fat person in a bacon factory. As for Techno Viking himself, he’s all posturing. Sure, he’s buff as hell and he’s probably got some serious drugs running through his system, but Epic Beard Man has something that Techno Viking can never have: severe post-traumatic stress disorder.  During the battle, Epic Beard Man is going to have some intense war flashbacks, and anybody who’s seen Rambo knows what war flashbacks can do to a guy’s fighting ability.  Epic Beard Man wouldn’t hesitate for a second to start shit with Techno Viking, so the only way that Techno Viking might stand a chance of winning this fight is if it was a Dance Fight in a Berlin techno club and both men were rolling their balls off on ecstasy. Barring those conditions, Epic Beard Man wins this fight in no more than 14 quick, jackhammer-like punches to Techno Viking’s braided goatee.  The Viking goes down, desperately calling for Amber Lamps, the Raver Army disperses after rummaging through Techno Viking’s fannypack, and Epic Beard Man reigns victorious yet again.  That’s why he’s called "Epic".
Drunken Argument for Techno Viking:

There’s no doubt that this clash of the titans will be an epic battle, but the winner here is undoubtedly going to be Techno Viking for one simple reason: Techno Viking is a God.  Maybe not literally, but his body conjures up images of Zeus and he commands legions of followers without even saying a word.  Besides, how else can you explain those dance moves? There’s no reason to believe that he’s not a God.  Epic Beard Man, on the other hand, is clearly mortal.  For starters, his old bus-riding ass was taken down by two fat, out of shape cops at a baseball game.  Sure, they used a tazer on him, but it displayed his weakness. There’s no evidence that Techno Viking even has a weakness, besides maybe techno music and ponytail holders.  Epic Beard Man seems like he can fight, but let’s be honest: who did he really fight? Any old salty former-Navy boxer could probably beat the crap out of a drunk guy on a bus.  He slapped like a girl and then curled up like a dead spider when Epic Beard Man landed a few solid punches.  Epic Beard Man has shown no evidence that he can put up a good fight with a decent contender, and therefore Techno Viking wins.
What Do You Think? Epic Beard Man, or Techno Viking?

39 Responses to "Drunken Argument Friday: Epic Beard Man vs. Techno Viking"

  1. Sevendays says:

    I’ve been drinking all night so I think I’m qualified to make this statement.

    I think Techno Viking IS Bearded Guy…it’s been long enough.

  2. Drakelet says:

    Everyone knows who EBM is. Noone knows who Mr Viking is though. He could be ANYONE. Even YOU.

    My money’s on Mr Viking by surprise attack.

  3. EBM says:

    Epic beard man has chunks of Tecno viking in his stool!!
    ” I see tough guys like you and I slap the shit out of them” ebm

  4. I'm all for EBM says:

    The EBM video shows a daily problem with inner city thugs(I’m from New Orleans and have seen and heard about this shit way too many times)). They constantly talk their bullshit to intimidate others and the same outcome would happen more often than not if these pussy bitches tried to fight like a man. Not have a group of friends with you to jump a guy, and not have a gun to shoot the person you can’t defeat in any other way. Even after he gets fucking pounded he still runs his goddamned mouth, and threatens to kill him. Now if these 2 were to run into each other again and the black guy had his friends with him or a weapon, he would really try to hurt or kill EBM cause his pride is hurt and he wants unfair pussy retaliation. Fuck inner city pussies and fuck their way of life. You wanna fix the problem…kill them all!!!!

  5. DonkeyXoteâ„¢ says:

    Don’t ever fuck with a Viking!

  6. Olala says:


  7. Claydong says:

    HAsnt proven anything? what the fuck did Techno Viking prove. dont say another person cant fight when they have and have no evidence your person has fought. fuckin stupid.

  8. DonkeyXoteâ„¢ says:

    You won’t be able to walk without a limp for a month. But I would recommend having one jizz all over your man boobs, it did wonders ot mine!

  9. DonkeyXoteâ„¢ says:

    Shit kid, you must have an IQ no higher than room temperature! CONGRATULATIONS!!! You FINALLY figured out how to accurately clone a pseudonym! How many weeks did it take you to crack the obvious, eh?!

    And you wonder why I call you a fuckwit!!

  10. ithertz says:

    actually epic beard man was inside an avatar

  11. Orcsarerealofdaggerspine says:

    what was in the water?

  12. Deep thinking says:

    HAHAHA. All the points for you sir! Who knew drinking could make someone so smart!

  13. Justin White says:

    Epic Beard Man for President! Yes!!!


  14. clubf00t says:

    i love it, first that he talks shit to a senior citizen, then he gets annihilated by that senior citizen(aka Epic Beard Man) and then sits back down and cries about…stupid nigg
    EBM would destroy Techno Viking

  15. Steve says:

    My vote is for epic beard man, he’s a tuff old fucker.

  16. Giggity says:

    Epic Beard Man would show to Techno Viking that you don’t fuck with senior citizens.

  17. DonkeyXote© says:

    Shit kid, you must have an IQ no higher than room temperature! CONGRATULATIONS!!! You FINALLY figured out how to accurately clone a pseudonym! How many weeks did it take you to crack the obvious, eh?

    And you wonder why I call you a fuckwit!

  18. DonkeyXote© says:

    Don’t listen to what I said above. I’m still the same DonkeyXote who loves to suck his tranny mom’s cock, fuck his sequential hermaphrodite sister, and masturbates furiously to naked pictures of Nicolas Cage.

  19. DonkeyXoteâ„¢ says:

    Shit kid, you must have an IQ no higher than room temperature! CONGRATULATIONS!!! You FINALLY figured out how to accurately clone a pseudonym! How many weeks did it take you to crack the obvious, eh?

    And you wonder why I call you a fuckwit!

  20. An Inquisitive Asshole says:

    This was obviously written by one person. WTF, Taco.

  21. justin says:
     Nope. We got drunk around noon and both took a side. Just like every other Friday. 
  22. DonkeyXote says:

    Then stop living together, both of you are obviously on the same cycle now.

  23. Duggar says:

    Drinking brings teh fail = http://bit.ly/a8xcDt

  24. Melanie says:

    I admit it , I would totally nail Techno Viking. Feels good to finally get that off my chest.

  25. Taco_Taco says:

    Techno Viking ftw

  26. mark says:

    epic beard man and techno viking would not fight at all. techno viking is the son of epic beard man.

  27. Dwight K. Schrute says:

    Trust me, I know. I used to do that when I was a kid and got my ass handed back by Mr. Kopfshezka every single time!

  28. Wigger says:

    Bearded white dude’s stright trippin, yo! He might look like my dad and all, but beating down my ebony brothas and sistas like that just ain’t right. Can’t we all just get along? Ahhh, yee. One love. Peace out.

  29. Dwight K. Schrute says:

    Not when your ebony brothas start running you mouths like punks trying to beat up a 67 year old dude.

  30. Dwight K. Schrute says:

    You can tell I’m obssesssed with action figures, it was because of a Ken doll that I lost both marriages, the wives kept busting me with a Ken doll up my butt in the tub EVERYTIME!

  31. DonkeyXoteâ„¢ says:

    Really? I use to shove cucumber’s up my ass, then I would have “random drifters” fish them out of my ass with their bare hands! Of course now I’m not allowed within 500 yards of the local pre-school so what’s a pedo like me got to do to get some lovin around here?

  32. DonkeyXoteâ„¢ says:

    Shit kid, you must have an IQ no higher than room temperature! CONGRATULATIONS!!! You FINALLY figured out how to accurately clone a pseudonym! How many weeks did it take you to crack the obvious, eh?

    And you wonder why I call you a fuckwit!?

  33. OB269 says:


  34. Dwight K. Schrute says:

    Epic Beard Man FTW! He’s a Vietnam War Vet, what’s Techno Viking, some jackass from Europe. American GI’s beat Euro trash every day of the week!

    USA! USA! USA!

  35. justin says:
  36. Bucket Headed Monkey says:

    burrito burrito

  37. 12 Stepper says:

    Just curious. At what time do you start drinking? I mean it’s got to be pretty early for you to get plastered, find a topic to debate, debate, scribe notes, then put it all together and post it before I get home from my day job.

    Drinking before 5pm is still frowned upon. Isn’t it?

    BTW, I’ll place my bets on Epic Beard man. Only because we saw his willingness to draw blood in a real life situation.
    Techno Viking is all show no go. He looks the way he does not to kick ass but to attract, eh…um, the sort of boys that listen to techno.

  38. God's left nut says:

    u claim EBM hasnt fought any legit contenders but what has TV fought anyone? by highlights i say EBM but one thing is sure this would be legen—–dairy

  39. Jacob Collins says:

    Epic Beard Man would beat the shit out of Techno Viking. He went from sitting in a bus seat, to destroying that punks face in under 3 seconds. All techno viking has ever done is dance in the street to shitty techno, surrounded by smelly eurotrash. The video’s speak for themselves.