If there’s one thing we like more than drinking, it’s arguing
about really stupid things, like if Epic Beard Man
could beat Techno Viking in a fist fight
. Here’s what it looks like when we do both at the same time:
Drunken Argument for Epic Beard Man
At first glance, Epic Beard Man and Techno Viking seem very different. One is 67 years old, and the other is young. One wears a shirt, and the other does not. One dance-marches in the street, and the other beats the hell out of strangers on a public bus. Upon closer inspection, however, both of these barbarians share some common traits: they both have beards, they both wear fanny packs, and both of them are incredibly intimidating and inexplicably angry. Techno Viking seems to have an advantage, in that he comes with an army of angsty goth ravers who tend to his every need, but Epic Beard Man would run through that Raver Army like a fat person in a bacon factory. As for Techno Viking himself, he’s all posturing. Sure, he’s buff as hell and he’s probably got some serious drugs running through his system, but Epic Beard Man has something that Techno Viking can never have: severe post-traumatic stress disorder. During the battle, Epic Beard Man is going to have some intense war flashbacks, and anybody who’s seen Rambo knows what war flashbacks can do to a guy’s fighting ability. Epic Beard Man wouldn’t hesitate for a second to start shit with Techno Viking, so the only way that Techno Viking might stand a chance of winning this fight is if it was a Dance Fight in a Berlin techno club and both men were rolling their balls off on ecstasy. Barring those conditions, Epic Beard Man wins this fight in no more than 14 quick, jackhammer-like punches to Techno Viking’s braided goatee. The Viking goes down, desperately calling for Amber Lamps, the Raver Army disperses after rummaging through Techno Viking’s fannypack, and Epic Beard Man reigns victorious yet again. That’s why he’s called "Epic".
Drunken Argument for Techno Viking:
There’s no doubt that this clash of the titans will be an epic battle, but the winner here is undoubtedly going to be Techno Viking for one simple reason: Techno Viking is a God. Maybe not literally, but his body conjures up images of Zeus and he commands legions of followers without even saying a word. Besides, how else can you explain those dance moves? There’s no reason to believe that he’s not
a God. Epic Beard Man, on the other hand, is clearly mortal. For starters, his old bus-riding ass was taken down by two fat, out of shape cops at a baseball game
. Sure, they used a tazer on him, but it displayed his weakness. There’s no evidence that Techno Viking even has a weakness, besides maybe techno music and ponytail holders. Epic Beard Man seems like he can fight, but let’s be honest: who did he really fight? Any old salty former-Navy boxer could probably beat the crap out of a drunk guy on a bus. He slapped like a girl and then curled up like a dead spider when Epic Beard Man landed a few solid punches. Epic Beard Man has shown no evidence that he can put up a good fight with a decent contender, and therefore Techno Viking wins.
What Do You Think? Epic Beard Man, or Techno Viking?