If there’s one thing we like more than drinking, it’s
arguing about really stupid things, like who would win in a fight between E.T. and Alf. Here’s what it looks like
when we do both at the same time:
Drunken Argument for E.T.
E.T. is a peaceful creature by nature. For the sake of this argument, though, let’s assume that E.T. has shown up ready to kick some ass and be super-aggressive. He’s is going to win this fight for a few simple reasons: firstly, E.T. has healing powers. As long as Alf doesn’t kill him, E.T. will have the ability to heal his own wounds and bring himself back to 100% health. Offensively, E.T. has a decisive advantage, in that he possesses telekinetic powers. He was able to make Elliot’s bike fly in ET, so he’ll definitely be able to levitate himself. He could also easily pick up Alf (who weighs far less than a kid on a bicycle) and throw him around like a soggy rag doll in a dryer. Aside from that, E.T. is also a master of electronic circuitry. He jerry rigged an interstellar communication device out of a f*ckin’ speak and spell and a saw blade. Therefore, it’s safe to assume that if there’s anything electrical in the vicinity of this fight, E.T. will be able to make some sort of badass, Tesla-inspired laser gun that will instantly transform Alf into a pile of charred Melmacian fur and sarcasm. These advantages will compensate for E.T.’s disadvantages, namely his lack of mobility and weak immune system. With E.T.’s telekinesis and electrical prowess, the fight won’t even last long enough for Alf to get him sick. This one goes to E.T., hands down.
Drunken Argument for Alf
If this fight is taking place on Earth, then Alf has this fight won, no problem. Alf comes from a war-torn planet. He’s one of a handful of survivors to make it through the nuclear destruction of his homeland. He’s a warrior and a blood-thirsty predator. This is something you can’t just learn overnight. It’s in his blood. This is best demonstrated on Earth by his constant desire to hunt, murder, and eat cats. E.T. is a passive, stumpy-legged, clumsy pacifist. Therefore, I will now refer to him only as "Gaylien". Alf lacks the weird, half-assed powers that Gaylien has, but he completely makes up for it with his superior intellect. This is best demonstrated by his ability to pick up the English language so quickly, and by his keen sense of humor. Gaylien’s English vocabulary consists of a few basic words thrown together, so that he sounds like a dying taxi cab driver trying to deliver a final message to his family. Also, Gaylien’s ability to make random objects float is a non-factor. These weaknesses are compounded by the fact that Gaylien lacks the antibodies and immunities necessary for Earth survival. Alf is covered with dirty, matted fur and he eats anything, including garbage. There’s no doubht that he’ll show up to this fight filthy and disease-ridden. It’s very likely that, a few minutes into the fight, Gaylien will begin to weaken, turn white, and dry up like a piece of dog shit left in the summer sun. This will give Alf the opportunity to wrap his calloused hands around the dying Gaylien’s neck and deliver a fatal blow. Alf wins.
What Do You Think? E.T. or Alf?
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E.T. wins by a long shot, plus, word of reason makes a great point, being wasted is fun as hell!!!!What is it with this first shit, does anyone really care who comments first???
The answer is no.
Neither one wins. There is no fight. They suddenly realize that they dig the shit out of each other and launch into a freaky-deaky alien sex-fest involving acts that we humans lack both the comprehension and the intestinal fortitude to understand.
i vote for alf
i vote for E.T! Have at you! *starts nudging up against the left nut*
You’re thinking of “Mac & Me”.
first…FIRST…FIRST, OOOOHHHHHHH YEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!! (changes pants)
Congrats!! While your changing your pants don’t forget too get your moms dildo out your ass while your at it.
“Gaylien’s English vocabulary consists of a few basic words thrown together, so that he sounds like a dying taxi cab driver trying to deliver a final message to his family. ”
Thanks for the luls, holytaco.
Also: Would you rather be fucked in the ass by E.T. wearing a strapon, or get a blowjob by Alf?
Alf would win, I agree with everything in the statement pertaining to Alf. ET is a bitch, he levitated the kid on the bike, but that dont mean he can do it again, he only ever done it once… Therefore I conclude, ET is a bitch Gaylien and Alf wins…. then eats ET
stfu kiss ass
Alf: the original pussy eater.
E.T.: the original Reese’s Pieces addict.
Alf wins.
ET is really gay. He dresses like a girl, and he loves little boys. All ALF needs to do is tell some shitty jokes until ET kills himself to end his misery. Game over.
Alf is vicious, but ET’s supporting cast is far superior than that of Alf’s T.V.rejects…were they a factor it might turn out different…(for example Drew Berrymore in Whip It. She’d be a deciding factor in the melee.
But didn’t the dad from Alf end up getting homeless guys to do crack and have sex with him? That beats Drew Barrymore by a longshot.
You are all tripping!! E.T. is the shit!! Fuck who wins in a fight, E.T. has the ability to get your ass drunk where ever you are!! You could be at work or school and all E.T. has to do is throw back some tequila shots and you’re both faded!!