When we took up the mantle here at Holy Taco we were told we had to engage in some social drinking in the office if we wanted to get anything done right. This was not a problem as most of us had been drinking mouthwash recreationally for years. This means we spend a lot of time passing out on the sofas in department stores staring at those massive banks of silent televisions and, thanks to that, we’ve managed to catch quite a bit of World Cup coverage this last week as well as a few classic NFL games. Which made us wonder, which is better, football or football?
Drunken Argument that Football is Better
You can’t deny the appeal of football. Is it everyone’s cup of tea? Of course not, tea is for losers. My aunt Betty used to drink this tea from a pot that was crafted in the Civil War and I swear it was lead lined – the stuff tasted the way it feels when a shit cuts your ass on the way out. She always put a sugar cube in it and told me it would make me grow up strong like Uncle Edward but you know what? Uncle Edward died of a heart attack at age 52 boning a hooker. Come to think of it though, that ain’t the worst thing I’ve ever heard. But none of that changes how wicked awesome football is. Listen, basketball is too much flash, man. With the shoes and Vlade Divac. Seriously, f*ckin’ Vlade Divac? And baseball? F*ck off, man. Ha ha. Baseball. Hey look, it’s Barry Bonds, let’s all…f*ckin…have steroids…and…ahhh. I got nothing. Sorry. No, but like, football has all that teamwork and coordinated and, you know, a ball. What’s the deal with equestrian? It’s sitting on a horse. Really? That’s in the Olympics, man. Being on a horse. All you need to know is that a football game does not involve a horse and that there will be hot chicks there and if you want to drink a beer you probably can because this is America, even if you’re watching in another country and no one has the right to touch you there.
Drunken Argument that Football is Better
You know what? F*ck that other football. It’s not real. It’s a joke. Who plays that way? Losers, that’s who. And maybe nancies. And maybe people with dick for a face. Not a dick. Just dick. Football sucks. The other football has the crowds and plus one year when I was like 13 my dad took me to a game, right, and he was like “don’t look in the trunk, son,” and no one ever looked in the trunk when dad said not to, especially after that whole deal with Edward and that hooker body in there, but whatever. So we get where we’re going and there’s this huge crowd of people and everything and before we leave the parking lot my dad says “check the trunk” and so I do and it was my bicycle, all crushed to shit and he goes “I ran that over. Next time I tell you to put your bike in the garage I bet you’ll remember.” And he wasn’t really right because we threw the bike out and they never bought me a new one. F*ck man…I forgot about that until just now. That shit’s really tragic, you know? But yeah, football sucks. Football is awesome.
You know why football fucking sucks, it’s because it’s a buch of posers who like to think they’re hard but actually they’re fucking pussys. I mean, c’mon, what’s with all the pads, and no hitting the “quarterback”. Geez, grow a pair and play a real man’s game: RUGBY.
p.s. because football is full of pussys in pads, futbol wins by default.
I’m with you, football sucks. Long live football!
Cripple fight!!!
wow this is straight awful
Well, it’s better than gay awful.
Way to go HT putting the drunken back in drunken arguments
Complete waste of time on this one huh?
Sam and David are gay. Don’t listen, err.. read what they have to say. They are just mad because only faggots like themselves like football, when its quite clear that football is the more entertaining sport. Dirty queers…
A good trend in quality, HT. Shits getting better.
So yeah, Soccer sucks. Oops … I blew that, didn’t I? I mean.. uh … Football is for the global horde of impoverished people and can be understood and played in seconds with a wad of tape in your dirt streets. Just get the knee-high socks and the bad-ass shorts and you are big time. Football, on the other hand, requires some fairly expensive equipment that puts it out of reach of you unwashed simpletons. It also requires complex strategies that must be determined and constantly rethought by a team of coaches as the game goes on. In Football, every inch of progress means something but in Football the ball goes down the field and gets kicked all the way back and nothing done to that point adds up to anything. Hmmm … maybe still too obvious.
Oh, and btw, America sucks at soccer in the same way that I suck at naming daytime TV celebrities. Why would I waste my time with that when theres better shit to do? Plenty of sports options for American kids. We excel at the ones we choose. The only time you see anyone here playing soccer is when its very young people. Its like sports light. The easy game to get children’s feet wet to sports. Around high school you notice that no one plays it anymore because every single other sport has more depth, complexity, and fun to offer.
May the bug horns buzz forevermore at all of your low-rung sport events.
(this rant is %50 trolling and %100 true)
(above line is a test)
You should write for HT. You’re neither funny or coherent.
You mean “nor” not “or”
twat
You know what I F”N hate football!
All they have is screaming fans and mediocre athleticism .
Not like my football with sheer ferocious manliness.
Our fans chant the sacred words and the gods bless us with the strength of a cornered dragon on who just sniffed a creamated unicorn.
possibly the worst drunken argument Friday ever. disappointment on 6/18/10.
Soccer players = Field fairies.