If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink, it’s argue about really stupid things, like who’s worse: Gallagher or Carrot Top? Here’s what it looks like when we do both at the same time:
Drunken Argument that Gallagher is Worse:
There’s no argument here. Carrot Top is head-and-shoulders above that hack Gallagher. He wasn’t even funny in 1985 when he was relevant. I don’t even think he’s alive. Didn’t he get kicked by a mule or something in North Carolina? The last I ever heard from him was when he was trying to get attention by running for governor of California in ’03. He has to be dead by now. Maybe you’re thinking of his brother, Ron Gallagher. He tours the country smashing things with a sledgehammer too. That’s got to be it, because I could put a stringy-haired wig and thick mustache on my turd, give it a tiny hammer, and it would be ten times funnier than that washed up loser Gallagher. I’ll tell you what it’s like to watch a Gallagher show: take Larry the Cable Guy, dress him up like a dirty hippy, and turn him into a liberal. Then, prop him up on a cartoonishly large toilet and watch him rip out fat dumps from about 6 feet up. The front two rows of the audience will still have to wear those stupid ponchos, and with this version of Gallagher, they’ll probably get more for their money. Carrot Top is a headliner in Vegas. He sells out countless shows, and he could whoop Gallagher’s tree hugging ass. His jokes are so funny, he has to wear rain ponchos to his own shows because the audience sprays f*cking milk out of their noses at the hilarity. Also, don’t you dare make fun of his hair, or say something gay like "Gingers don’t have souls." Carrot Top wins.
Drunken Argument that Carrot Top is Worse:
Carrot Top has shitty, stupid dumbass hair and he’s a ginger. Therefore, he has no soul. Therefore, he’s evil. Secondly, Carrot Top is a roided out retard now, but even before he got all roided out when he was just a skinny weirdo with big fuzzy orange hair, he was f*cking terrible. His "funny props" are usually just everyday items with some other every day item glued onto it, and then he calls it some name that’s punny. Carrot Top, if you’re reading this: puns weren’t funny after 1948. Gallagher has a degree in chemical engineering. Some of Gallagher’s act involves smashing things with a mallet, like watermelons, hamburgers, and toothpaste, but a lot of his act is just normal stand up, and it’s usually political and satirical and observational. All Carrot Top does is say stupid things and then reveal some dumb piece of shit prop that he made to fit whatever pun he just said, like "Hey! Check it out! It’s a Rocket Chip!" and then he’ll hold up a bottle rocket with a potato chip glued to it, or he’ll pull out a toilet seat with a rear view mirror on it and then he’ll be like, "Hey! Check it out! It’s a rear view mirror!" He actually did that one, and that’s not even a pun. It’s just a double meaning of the word "rear", to apply to both the direction behind you and your ass. Carrot Top was an idiot before he became a juiced up weirdo with drawn-on eyebrows, and becoming a juiced up weirdo just enhanced his douchiness by about 1billion points. Gallagher’s only ridiculous prop is a mallet that he uses to smash things. Carrot Top’s entire career is based on supergluing one piece of shit to another, and that’s basically what his entire career amounts to: just a bunch of shit stuck together, and I’d love to see Gallagher smash him with a mallet and send his blood, entrails, and cursed, soulless red hair flying into the first three rows of the tarp-covered crowd. That would be the funniest thing Carrot Top ever did.