Explore Holy Taco

Drunken Argument Friday: Gremlins vs. Ewoks

If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink, it’s argue about really important stuff, like if an army of Gremlins could defeat an army of Ewoks. Here’s what it sounds like when we do both at the same time:
Drunken Argument for Gremlins:
We all know that Gremlins plus water equals more Gremlins.  In this respect, Gremlins are basically the opposite of the aliens from Signs, and those aliens sucked, so Gremlins are logically awesome.  They’re extremely agile, so they’re easily going to be able to out-manuever a frumpy little Ewok without even breaking a sweat.  Gremlins are also quite mischievous.  Doing battle against a species like the Ewoks, that relies on booby traps and primitive mechanical trickery, is a walk in the park for a Gremlin, because they can easily sabotage every trap the Ewoks set.  Of course, the Gremlins biggest strength lies in its reproductive techniques.  Just like the Gremlin’s adorably loveable Mogwai counterpart, he also spawns offspring when he comes into contact with water.  This means that it’s very difficult to eliminate an entire army of Gremlins, because all they have to do to increase their ranks is fall into a f*ckin puddle, and those things are everywhere on Endor.  Judging by the few shots from Return of the Jedi, where there’s an Ewok mom holding a baby, we can assume that Ewoks don’t rocket babies out of their backs by the dozen like Gremlins do, so the Gremlins are always going to out-number the Ewoks, no matter what. We’ve seen Gremlins obliterate a suburban neighborhood and a modern office building, so they would have a heyday with with a shitty little makeshift Ewok village.  This fight goes to the Gremlins.
Drunken Argument for Ewoks:

Ewoks don’t reproduce like Gremlins do, but they’re ten times smarter.  They’d figure something out to stop that Gremlin mass production mess.  They’d out-smart those evil, mischievous bastards at every turn.  Plus, they’re way more ingenuitive.  The Ewoks make badass tools and weapons out of bones from the people that they’ve killed for being in their forest, and let’s not forget that in Return of the Jedi, the Ewoks captured Luke, Han Solo, and Chewbacca with a sweet net trap.  Yeah, that’s right: They captured Chewbacca!  You’re telling me that Gremlins are more badass than Chewbacca?!  You’re crazy.  Aside from their superior intellect, Ewoks have what I like to call "retard strength".  Sure, they don’t look like much, but I’ve personally seen them over-power Storm Troopers.  Plus, just to drive my point home: remember the end of Gremlins 2? Y’know, where Gizmo (who is basically just a less badass, smaller, pussier version of an Ewok) puts on the Rambo headband and totally destroys the Gremlins?  He doesn’t do anything an Ewok wouldn’t do.  In fact, he does way less.  He’s armed only with a bow and some flaming arrows, and he totally wrecks a complete toy store full of Gremlins.  Ewoks destroy Gremlins. I rest my case.
What Do You Think? Gremlins or Ewoks?

49 Responses to "Drunken Argument Friday: Gremlins vs. Ewoks"

  1. pranksta says:

    FUCKIN’ EWOKS FTW! They can take out a squad of Storm Troopers, what chance do a bunch of friggin’ Gremlins stand?

  2. Captain Obvious says:

    Do Ewoks have access to natural light flashlights? If so, shortest war ever.

  3. elDarkness says:

    THIS is why I love the internet

  4. Claynoidial says:

    plus i imagine ewoks are like rabbits as well.

  5. douchebag says:

    dude you guys answered your own question.

    All the Ewoks have to do is hire GIZMO to kill off the Gremlims for them! Gizmo has already done it once…in a very stylish and entertaining way too….so they throw some cash his way and BAM…he turns into Rambo Gizmo and he takes out all those damned Gremlims with a bow/arrow and a Barbie corvette.

    Problem solved.

  6. pratik says:

    I’m still confused and bewildered about how a bunch of tribal teddy bears beat a squadron of storm troopers.

    I just don’t fucking get it.

  7. bob says:

    gremlins are smart but they got tricked into all of them gathering into a lobby just because the ppl turned all the clocks forward

  8. That Jackass says:

    I say gremlins because even though ewoks are smarter you dont need intellegence or the weapons it grants you to win a battle because one sheer size of the army and its reproductive capabilities ewoks might inhibit the reproductio localy but not from everywere so it basicly would be like an infinite army of super dogs attacking a smaller group of humans the dogs would eventualy win.


  9. y'all trying on each other's assholes says:

    roflcopter – any one of you guys ever once get your dick wet? not talking about the shower, either

  10. bob says:

    course if its a city gremlins hav places to hid from the sun but in the forest they either build something in which case ewoks just knock it down or hope to find a cave in which the ewoks just need to ambush them at the entrance

  11. That Jackass says:

    So true maybe the ewoks are afriad of new technological advances so yes gremlins do have a certain inteelgence on this level though your piont is very well argued i was refering to the fact that ewoks make weapons (As shabby as it is)so probably use more of thier brains. Though there is no harvard degree is carnage so really being smarter doesnt help on an enemy like the gremlins

  12. Philosophag says:

    This is the most well thought out and articulated argument I have ever seen on this site, I had forgotten about the floating gay robot.

  13. smoogerz says:

    i say it all depends on the turf. if the ewoks and the gremlins fought in a city, then the gremlins would win because there are no places to set nets in a city or booby traps like that. if it was in a forest, then of course the ewoks would win. home turf owns

  14. One Maloogafourloogas says:

    Gremlins, every time. Even though they are only there to fuck about….its all a laugh to them…. they would still kick the asses out of a bunch of teddy bears with sticks.

  15. ^^^ virgins, every last one says:


  16. Rocky says:

    Dude, Ewoks did pick up fucking Storm Trooper guns dumbass.

  17. JesseMXGangl says:

    Why the hell are we to assume ewoks are smarter than gremlins? Gremlins are born already speaking a pidgin form of English and having an innate knowledge of popular American culture suggesting some kind of genetic memory transmission accumulated through the generations. I didn’t see any of the ewoks on Endor picking up storm trooper rifles, yet gremlins seem to find guns easily and don’t think twice about shooting each other since their reproductive systems are so amped. Gremlins simply have the innate ability to create carnage, even when it involves unfamiliar technology; they are naturally chaotic and destructive and know innately the most efficient way to maim and destroy. They’re smart enough to avoid sunlight, and certainly won’t take any shit from a bunch of lice-ridden teddy bears that get brought to their knees by a floating gay robot.

  18. Iddish says:

    Ever read the Star Wars Comics? Ewoks in those are fucking scary. Jumping stormtroopers during the night, slitting their throats, and leaving their half eaten corpses impaled on sticks for the rest of the troop to find. Don’t say that gremlins would have the nighttime advantage against a species that’s learned to stealthily murder alert sentries in the dark.

  19. Grewok says:

    Ewoks and Gremlins would not fight each-other, rather, they would fuse into a single species called the Borg.

  20. I'm gay. says:

    And anyone who says roflcopter is a fag…..Like me…..Who loves anal…..Welcome to the club you fuckin homo.

  21. rusty77 says:

    are we forgetting the sunlight thing completely?
    all the ewoks have to is last one freaking night and then, bam! no more gremlins

  22. Pandaemonia says:

    “He’s armed only with a bow and some flaming arrows, and he totally wrecks a complete toy store full of Gremlins. Ewoks destroy Gremlins. I rest my case.”

    The Gremlins were ALL destroyed in the Theatre by the explosion BILLY caused NOT Gizmo…only Gremlin in the Toy Store was Stripe the leader, man must not have actually seen Gremlins..

    Gremlins easily

  23. Leonatio says:


    You forget, Gremlins have an extreme dislike for bright light. The only exception was when the one in Gremlins 2 drank the potion that made him immune.

    Once the sun comes up, they’re dust. Whereas Ewoks wouldn’t be.

  24. That Jackass says:

    So true and not even the cool rabid kind

  25. That Jackass says:

    Hmm never thought of that if they do have them then they would dominate

  26. Phoebe Cates says:

    def gremlins, especially when they have the genetic mutations like the spider gremlin and electric gremlin.

  27. Mojo says:

    First. Gremlins would definitely win.

  28. just saying says:

    every gremiln given a genetic advantage died and non of them made the genetic solutions a human did so there would be no supper smart gremlins or gremlins that could fly

  29. Claynoidial says:

    no. no. no. no. Lets not bring other movies into account here you fuck ups. Blade is a total different subject. they wouldnt get some immunity. do you see gremlin labs and shit? Nope. so fuck you you cocksucking uncle fuckin dog raping anti-cunt. Ewoks win because they make weapons simple as that. you see the chick who murdered the gremlin with the microwave? point proven. gremlins are pussies.

  30. Claynoidial says:

    uhh bullshit. ewoks made flying vehicles. a Man-made is always better than a natural. so the gremlins flying versus a badass ewok fighter is like an F-18 against the red baron

  31. Captain Winky says:

    Point taken. Sunlight has got Gremlins by the balls, although the ewok’s would have to get ballsy and enter some cave filled with em…and the sun isn’t out forever…

  32. philosopher. says:

    Are you on crack?

    Luke Skywalker would assrape the Gremlins to death, yet the Ewoks managed to capture Luke.

    The Gremlins die from SUNLIGHT. That’s a huge disadvantage.

  33. Kefkai says:

    But you forget also that Gizmo gains immunity to sunlight, so its like the day walkers in Blade, I’m sure eventually the gremlins would eventually develop some sort of immunity to sunlight. Either way the Gremlins kick a lot more ass.

  34. That Jackass says:

    And it would be harder to fight off the gremlins in the dark so the gremlins could surprise attack them and the ewoks wouldn’t have a snowballs chance in hell attacking them in their home turf

  35. Trey says:

    Nah all the Ewoks ever did was kick the crap out of a bunch of storm troopers and their giant walkers. No way they could handle a few midgets gremlin pussies.

  36. philosogremlin says:

    The Gremlins would easily beat those Ewoks
    In Gremlins 2 the beat the “most advanced building in America”, thats better than anything the Ewok defences had

  37. philosogremlin says:

    Yeah, a red baron which has only 1 purpose: to kill everything in sight
    and the super-smart gremlin could easily make an even better flying gremlin with his knowledge
    The Ewoks would get distracted by some cake or whatever, chubby bears!
    Hows that for a trap? Leave some cake there and the Ewoks will flock, then in jump the Gremlins and ta da!
    Gremlins win

  38. philosogremlin says:

    In Gremlins 2 they drink all those potions and stuff, thats got to give them an even bigger advantage
    One became super smart, another could fly and one even changed genders
    Ewoks could never compete with that

  39. CarneyUGVC says:

    Gremlins blow em all away. Ewoks are still making Star Wars fans cringe.

  40. Mr. Friday says:

    Ewoks because they would have sweet ass light sabers given to them.

  41. Tesla says:

    I fucking hate them both. Critters are WAAAAAY better.

  42. Pierrre says:

    oh god! flashback!

  43. Tesla says:

    Hah! Critters are very underrated. I mean, they can unite and form a fucking giant flesh-eating ball! Arghhh!!

  44. bob says:

    gremlins. defenetly gremlins

  45. Odin says:

    Fuckin Ewoks would kick the living shit out of the gremlins. Hands fuckin down.

  46. philosopher. says:

    I was gonna give it to the Gremlins but after reading both arguments, I’m going to have to go with the Ewoks.

  47. Anonymous says:

    Because they more closely resemble the stuffed animals you violate on a daily basis?

  48. Anonymous says:

    It occurred to me about 2 seconds later that you’re not that philosopher. Still, I stand by my mildly funny remark.

  49. philosorapist says:

    This argument should’ve been Critters vs Gremlins
    FUCK ewoks