If there's one thing we like to do more than drink, it's argue about really important stuff, like if it would be more worse to have a boner all the time, or to never be able to have a boner at all. Here's what it sounds like when we do both at the same time:
Drunken Argument for Having a Constant Boner:
Always having a boner is manageable. I really don't see a downside to it. All it takes is a quick change in my wardrobe, and that's it. I don't really like mesh shorts all that much anyway. Even if that fails, you can always go to the waist-band-tuck to hide a boner. Plus, if I've learned one thing from 7th grade, it's how to hide a boner. Sitting, standing, swimming, hugging grandma; I can hide a boner in all of these situations with ease. If my boner were a truck full of illegal immigrants or drugs, I would be the most popular guy in Mexico. Nobody, and I mean nobody would even know it was there. My constant boner would be the chameleon of constant boners, adapting to any situation and undetected by everyone. Aside from the slight disadvantage of social awkwardness, the advantages are awesome. Think about it: you always have a boner! Always! You have the ability to be a sexual god. Too drunk to maintain a boner? Not anymore! Whiskey Dick is a thing of the past for you. You've got a never-ending boner. Perma-wood. This is an easy choice: Constant boner. Always. Wins.
Argument for Never Having a Boner
The only reason I'm choosing to never have a boner is because I like being able to walk around and function normally without fainting, because rather than blood going to my brain, it's going to my awkward, uncomfortable constant boner. Also, thanks to the miracles of modern science, we can fake boners pretty well these days. Every time I see my grandpa he's got a boner, and I know that shit's not natural. We've got practically an entire row at Walgreen's that's dedicated to pills and pumps specifically designed to give boners to men who, physiologically speaking, shoud not have them. Plus, pissing with a rock-hard boner really hurts, and if I had to piss like that all the time, I would be moaning and crying in public restrooms more than I already do, so the dudes would be creeped out by that. Chicks would be creeped out by the fact that I always have a very obvious boner. I had a constant boner through 7th grade too, and while there are many ways to conceal it, it's still awkward and distracting. I'd rather live with the burden of remembering to take my boner pill an hour before I'm gonna bone some chick, and maybe have to stick my penis into some kind of pumping apparatus, then to have to deal with the stress of never being able to bone a chick because she's super wierded out by my constant stiffy. I say no boner. I'll just rely on technology and science instead.
What do you think? Constant Boner, or No Boners at All?
I'll go with never having a boner for the simple reason that i've always wanted to say the words "Let me just thumb my flaccid penis into your vagina and see what happens."
well obviously if you just had a constant boner all the time the only thing you could do was take that shiz on TV or get into some industry that would completely celebrate that bonerism. Why try and hide it - you are a god among men - a rock solid god. However, if you never have a boner ever then you're just a flacid old fugger and probably should give up anyway.
As far as i know a prolonged erection, let alone a full fledged unstoppable one can have devastating effects leading to a disease called Priapism which doesn't allow blood to leave the penis. It's uber painful and ultimately leads to getting it lopped off.. therefore, flaccid penis > mangina
You're right, but how can you expect someone to argue for the "never having a boner" side of the argument unless you allow for medically induced boners? Without that, there's no argument for it at all. Artificial boners were the only way that we could justify even putting up an argument against the constant boner.
I know that's just the point I was trying to make. Constant Boner FTW. I'm just that douche that likes to point out the obvious reason why my decision is best :P
I love how everyone says to just tuck your woody up in the waist line! Quick lesson: Not everyone has a tiny dick. Some of us are still obviously betrayed by a huge bulge, even when using the waist line method. I'm not saying I have a thirteen-incher, but even an average LENGTH dick is pretty conspicuous with an average+ GIRTH. I'd still choose the constant boner, but it isn't like no one would know.
(15 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
July 17th, 2009 at 02:38 pm
I think the guy who wrote in favor of No Boners at All failed to realize the concept "No boners at all".
July 18th, 2009 at 01:06 am
He was drunk. Give the guy a break
July 17th, 2009 at 02:45 pm
I'll go with never having a boner for the simple reason that i've always wanted to say the words "Let me just thumb my flaccid penis into your vagina and see what happens."
July 21st, 2009 at 02:07 pm
Find a fatty and do it tonight.
July 17th, 2009 at 03:02 pm
well obviously if you just had a constant boner all the time the only thing you could do was take that shiz on TV or get into some industry that would completely celebrate that bonerism. Why try and hide it - you are a god among men - a rock solid god. However, if you never have a boner ever then you're just a flacid old fugger and probably should give up anyway.July 17th, 2009 at 03:42 pm
As far as i know a prolonged erection, let alone a full fledged unstoppable one can have devastating effects leading to a disease called Priapism which doesn't allow blood to leave the penis. It's uber painful and ultimately leads to getting it lopped off.. therefore, flaccid penis > mangina
July 17th, 2009 at 05:05 pm
I see you read the cracked article too. Well done sir.
July 17th, 2009 at 08:17 pm
Props, me too
July 17th, 2009 at 06:15 pm
Boner all the time>no boner.
Just slap it up against your stomach and when you need to use it let that draw bridge down. i
July 18th, 2009 at 02:36 pm
12 oclock tuck. learn and live it. constant boner ftw.
July 18th, 2009 at 04:35 pm
But the argument was about "Never" being able to have a boner. To me that implies even through the miracles of science.
July 19th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
You're right, but how can you expect someone to argue for the "never having a boner" side of the argument unless you allow for medically induced boners? Without that, there's no argument for it at all. Artificial boners were the only way that we could justify even putting up an argument against the constant boner.
July 20th, 2009 at 08:26 pm
I know that's just the point I was trying to make. Constant Boner FTW. I'm just that douche that likes to point out the obvious reason why my decision is best :P
July 20th, 2009 at 07:39 pm
Death > Non functioning penis
July 20th, 2009 at 08:34 pm
I love how everyone says to just tuck your woody up in the waist line! Quick lesson: Not everyone has a tiny dick. Some of us are still obviously betrayed by a huge bulge, even when using the waist line method. I'm not saying I have a thirteen-incher, but even an average LENGTH dick is pretty conspicuous with an average+ GIRTH. I'd still choose the constant boner, but it isn't like no one would know.
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