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Drunken Argument Friday: Hippo vs. Giant Octopus

If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink, it’s argue about really important stuff like who would win in a if a hippo fought a giant octopus underwater. Here’s what it sounds like when when we do both at the same time.
Argument for the Hippo:
Have you ever seen a hippo? They’re fuggin’ huge, dude.  An octopus is just a squishy head with skinny arms that squirts disgusting liquid out of a hole in the bottom of it, meaning it’s basically just an underwater version of Tara Reid after a night of drinking.  Hippos are the most dangerous animals in Africa.  I know that ’cause every time I go to the zoo, my autistic cousing repeats it over and over again.  Even if the octopus managed to wrap the hippo up, it wouldn’t be able to do shit but hold on tightly, like it was consoling the hippo after coming home to find its family killed.  After a while, the octopus would tire out and the hippo would eat it, shit it out, and then continue floating around in the water.
Argument for the Octopus:
A hippo only has one attack: it’s going to try to bite the octopus.  Luckily, the octopus has huge, long-ass tentacles that it can use to keep the hippo at bay, and a steady supply of ink to provide an underwater smokescreen, so the hippo can’t even see him.  Now the hippo is basically in the same situation as a super-hot, big-tittied blind girl at a frat party: it can’t see anything, but it can definitely feel the long, gooey appendages sliding all over its body.  Also, an octopus can crush a shark with its tentacles.  CRUSH it.  That would be like you crushing a volkswagen beetle, and I’m talking about an old volkswagen beetle, not one of those stupid new plastic ones that looks like a pregnant roller skate.  Sure, a hippo is more solid than a shark, but the octopus can wrap it up easily, and then either crush it, strangle it, gag it, or use its parrot-like beak to bite some huge chunks out of the hippo’s body.  Worst case scenario: the octopus wraps up the hippo, drags it down to the bottom, and waits for it to suffocate.  Giant Octopus wins this one, tentacles down!
So what do you say, folks? Hippo, or Giant Octopus?

39 Responses to "Drunken Argument Friday: Hippo vs. Giant Octopus"

  1. Anonymous says:

    Chuck Norris would beat both at the same time!

  2. Anonymous says:

    How the hell is the octo going to continue to wrap and squeeze the hippo when the first thing that the hippo does is POP that balloon for a head of the octo with his fangs just like he kills every other pain in the ass that he comes across in Africa??? The hippo can rip the head off of a LION and shit down its neck!!!!

  3. blackie says:

    Aren’t giant octopi like as big as school busses? Isn’t that was got captain Nemo? I think the octopus would fuck that hippo up like a japanese porn star.

  4. all that is man! says:

    There are too many variables to list! A Hippo is awesome and so is a giant octopus. Lets talk about shear mass. A hippo can weigh up to several tons, even a large octopus doesnt get that big. And a hippo can go without breathing for a long time! Hippos are usually found in litoral water and rivers, octopus stay in the deep. Therefore the battle wouldnt ever take place. But if some millionaire would front the cash to get them together, Id pay to see it. Id go for the pus’ its got a big beak, ink, and a million suckers with teeth on them as well. A hippo just has weight and a big mouth with teeth. They can kill humans, hippos are usually more aggresive and have a bigger record of attacks on humans. But the pus’ is a shady creature of the abyss. Its one freak lookin bastard and it can stretch out thin, and in water the hippo’s mass is almost neutral due to the boyancy of water. So the pus’ is what Im voting for.

  5. mike H says:

    Oh by the way nygenxer its a Octopus not a giant squid! dumb ass

  6. Tyrone Biggums says:

    This is like asking if you would prefer to bone a fat chick or an effeminate dude.

    I vote for fat chick, I mean, hippo.

  7. Buddy Ice says:

    Even though the hippo wouldn’t eat the squid because hippos are vegetarians I still vote hippo. Don’t worry I won’t harp on your oversight because your “pregnant roller skate” line was awesome.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Why wouldn’t the hippo breathe out of its nostrils?

  9. Mike H says:

    No contest here. Hippo walks out of the water while the Octopus is hugging in and just lies down on top of it. It’s kind of like when you go ugly after drinking. Once the fat girl is on top there’s no way to run away as you sober up!

  10. Sexy Biatch says:

    Don’t waste you time with hippo’s – Hook up with Sexy Girls in your local area tonight…

  11. Anonymous says:

    This is the dumbest article I’ve ever seen.

  12. Hot Dip says:

    The hippo would win, unless the octopus crawls inside the hippo’s stomach and pushes out in all directions with its tentacles and causes the hippo to explode.

  13. jax says:

    an octopus will win anything, hands down. they ROCK.

  14. Penis says:


    Where the fuck do we vote

  15. Anonymous says:

    you’re the dumbest article ever written

  16. Anonymous says:

    I mean… that I’ve ever seen. Shut the hell up.

  17. supermanlymangunowner says:

    wait till the octopus evolve to land form , were all fucked

  18. blackieckie says:

    Behind Chuck Norris’ beard is another octopus

  19. Anonymous says:

    Hippo will go back on land than do a BARELLROLL

  20. Yournamehere says:

    Result: Octo takedown in a suicide win.

    Octo latches on to hippos mouth. Hippo walks out of water. Octo still hangs on and suffocates hippo (who has no real way of detaching this aquadic muscle).

    Hippo dies and Octo dehydrates while wondering wtf he is doing in a african river anyway.

    Octomom is then cr0wned queen as her father king octopus has died. Leaving behind only one. The chosen one to re-populate the sea.

    Fin… or is it?

    it probably is.

  21. poo piter says:

    i just don’t think a hippo would 1: know how to do a barrel role or 2: have the wits to know what to do or how to act once Cathulu’s beard latched onto its side and started choking it while tangling up its legs and biting fleshy bits out of its neck or face with its ebony beak. the only thing ive heard to take down this sort of animal is humans and sperm whales. but sperm whales go for the squid and, well, fuck squid, there just nasty. and yes, Octopi fuck sharks up on a daily basis but hippos have thick hides and fat to get through. its most likely the hippo would just suffocate or say fuck it and shit till the water turned color and the Octopus swam away. Yes, a Draw!

  22. Smokey says:

    hippos are gangster
    that octopus would get jacked up son

  23. Anonymous says:


  24. Ramy says:

    I reckon the Oct,, as they are bloody smart, som might do something like stickin one of its arms in the hippo’s arse hole,, or may be squeeze the hippo’s balls,,, ouchhh,, and once you ve got some1 balls,,, u know the rest

  25. Octopus FTW says:

    Oh and i forgot to mention, Many Octopus have a poisonous bite.

    case closed.

  26. JDM says:

    You clearly haven’t been around the internet very long.

  27. JDM says:

    When a hippo explodes, nobody wins.

  28. Octopus FTW says:

    ok. Octopus. your all like: “oh a hippos got mad size yo” but have you seen the giant octopus’ stats??

    “Common name(s): Pacific giant octopus, Giant Pacific octopus, North Pacific giant octopus. FACTS: The skin of this octopus is not smooth; instead it has extensive skin folds and large, truncate papillae. Color often some shade of dark red or reddish brown but can change color rapidly (for example to a light mottled greenish). May have white spots on the dorsal mantle and on the arm web in front of the eyes, but no “eyespots” as are seen on O. bimaculatus farther south. May grow very large, with a mantle length over 20 cm, body weight to 272 kg, and arm spread to 9 m. This is the world’s largest known octopus”( ).

    9 Fricken METER arm span, Can CHANGE COLOR to stay hidden, and has a beak. a hippo is fat and has big teeth and a strong bite. how it’ll find the camouflaged Pus to bite it is my question.


  29. Different Anonymous Guy says:


  30. Ken H says:

    Clearly the underlying question of this argument is if Britney Spears could take the hippo cock in her pussy while having her salad tossed with a tentacle.

  31. Rosie O'Donnell says:

    Obviously the real question here is, can Tara Reid’s vag house both these animals at once?

  32. nygenxer says:

    Giant squid can fight off sperm whales.

    I vote for the giant squid.

  33. Anonymous29 says:

    Good thing we’re not talking about faggot squid then, are we?

  34. Verus says:

    Fuck yeah the Hippo, an octopus couldn’t do jack shit against a Hippo? Have you ever seen a hippo? Hippo’s don’t take shit from everyone, it’ll charge your ass and bite the fuck you of you. Then take a giant shit on your corpse. A hippo shit, have you ever seen a hippo shit?

  35. Anomynous says:

    Probably the hippo, as long as I get to be on top. I just don’t know about the octopus — I’d worry about where all those tentacles would end up.

    … you DID mean which one would I rather fuck, right?

  36. Sheriff says:

    i say hippo…hows an octopus gonna drag it down? with its outboard?

  37. Anonymoosex says:

    Yeah I think I want to see an anime of a drunken Tara Reid versus a hole violating giant octopus now.

  38. DueceOnYoFoHead says:

    The better arguement is what the fuck could beat a hippo? Most under-rated ass kicking machine of all time.