If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink, it’s argue about really important stuff like who would win in a if a hippo fought a giant octopus underwater. Here’s what it sounds like when when we do both at the same time.
Argument for the Hippo:
Have you ever seen a hippo? They’re fuggin’ huge, dude. An octopus is just a squishy head with skinny arms that squirts disgusting liquid out of a hole in the bottom of it, meaning it’s basically just an underwater version of Tara Reid after a night of drinking. Hippos are the most dangerous animals in Africa. I know that ’cause every time I go to the zoo, my autistic cousing repeats it over and over again. Even if the octopus managed to wrap the hippo up, it wouldn’t be able to do shit but hold on tightly, like it was consoling the hippo after coming home to find its family killed. After a while, the octopus would tire out and the hippo would eat it, shit it out, and then continue floating around in the water.
Argument for the Octopus:
A hippo only has one attack: it’s going to try to bite the octopus. Luckily, the octopus has huge, long-ass tentacles that it can use to keep the hippo at bay, and a steady supply of ink to provide an underwater smokescreen, so the hippo can’t even see him. Now the hippo is basically in the same situation as a super-hot, big-tittied blind girl at a frat party: it can’t see anything, but it can definitely feel the long, gooey appendages sliding all over its body. Also, an octopus can crush a shark with its tentacles. CRUSH it. That would be like you crushing a volkswagen beetle, and I’m talking about an old volkswagen beetle, not one of those stupid new plastic ones that looks like a pregnant roller skate. Sure, a hippo is more solid than a shark, but the octopus can wrap it up easily, and then either crush it, strangle it, gag it, or use its parrot-like beak to bite some huge chunks out of the hippo’s body. Worst case scenario: the octopus wraps up the hippo, drags it down to the bottom, and waits for it to suffocate. Giant Octopus wins this one, tentacles down!
So what do you say, folks? Hippo, or Giant Octopus?