If there’s one thing we like more than drinking, it’s arguing about really important stuff, like who would win in a fight
between Jesus and the Easter Bunny. Here’s what it looks like when we do both at the same time:
Drunken Argument that Jesus Would Win:
First off, I think Jesus wins this battle by default with this head shot alone. But since we are having this discussion, let’s start by talking about Jesus’ best tool when it comes to a fight: he knows magic! This guy can turn water into wine, so just imagine what he would do to the Easter Bunny’s face. You may think that Jesus is all about peace and love, but just remember who he learned to fight from: his dad, God, the guy who was responsible for all that crazy, f*cked up shit that happened in the Old Testament. The only difference between now and then is that they’ve had 2,000 years to think of crazier shit to do, and all of that planning will be released on one poor little sugar addicted rodent. Jesus’ second best weapon would be his backup. Everyone brings at least one friend to a fight, just in case things get out of hand. Well guess what? Jesus us rolling about 2 billion deep right now, and those people are pretty fond of killing things by throwing rocks at it until it’s dead. Also, let’s compare the competition here: on one hand, we have a pixie dust-sniffing jelly bean pusher who likes to sneak into little kids’ bedrooms while they are sleeping. On the other hand, we have the son of God, also known as the chosen one, the Messiah, and Jesus "ass-kicking, bubble-gum-chewing, badass motherf*cker" Christ. Jesus wins this one. Case closed.
Drunken Argument that The Easter Bunny Would Win:
There’s a reason why, if you go into any grocery store between the end of February and the beginning of May, the shelves are littered with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow rabbits: because the Easter Bunny f*cking owns Easter, and just like the Easter Bunny took the holiday away Jesus, he’s also going to take any dignity and self-respect that the Messiah has left in him. Both of these contenders have magical powers: Jesus is an entity of love and sacrifice who can heal people and return from the dead. Those are great talents to have if your taking on responsibility for the welfare of mankind, but if you’re in a fight, you’re going to need a different set of skills. You’re going to need Easter Bunny skills. The Easter Bunny can break into your house without any problems whatsoever. He’s got the stealthy abilities of both a traditional bunny rabbit and a mythical holiday character that sneaks gifts into your home once a year. He’s also a giant rabbit, so he’s super quick, he can jump really high, and if you’ve ever been bitten by a normal sized rabbit, then you can imagine how much a bite from a giant rabbit would hurt. Forget hanging on a cross and bleeding to death to pay for the sins of humanity. Jesus hasn’t felt real pain until he’s had his arm chomped off by a giant bunny. We haven’t even touched on the Easter Bunny’s constant sugar-high and how that’s going to benefit him in this fight. Jesus’s good-naturedness is no match for the Easter Bunny’s sugar-fueled, buck-toothed bloodlust. Just replace his basket of dyed eggs and candy with a bag of switchblades and hand grenades, and you’ve got a floppy-eared, bowtied timebomb just waiting to explode. Easter Bunny wins this fight easily.
Who Do You Think Would Win If Jesus Fought the Easter Bunny?