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Drunken Argument Friday: A Kid Selling Something or Jehovah’s Witnesses?

 
If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink, it’s argue about really important stuff,  like what’s worse to have show up at your door: a Jehovah’s Witness, or a Kid Selling Something?  Here’s what it sounds like when when we drink and argue at the same time.
 
Drunken Argument for A Jehovah’s Witness:
 
 
Here’s a rule that you can follow to avoid having me try to beat you up:  if you’re going to knock on my door, it’s much better to offer me over-priced candy than to lecture me about how I’m leading a shitty life.  I already know that. I don’t need someone to tell me about it.  Jehovah’s Witnesses try to be really sneaky about the fact that they’re hawking a religion, and that irritates me.  When you open the door to a kid holding a huge box of candy, you know pretty well that one of two things is happening: either this kid is trying to sell you some candy, or he just found a huge box of M&M’s on your lawn, and he want’s to make sure you didn’t accidentally drop it out there.  Since he’s a kid, and probably looks kind of poor, the first option is the only one that makes sense.  Jehovah’s Witnesses, at first glance, could be anyone.  You just don’t know, until the guy starts talking and busts out some ambiguous flyers about how you’re horrible.  Selling candy door-to-door makes sense, because there’s a pretty good chance that everybody wants candy right now.  But if I wanted to convert someone to my crazy religion, my plan wouldn’t be "knock on the door and lecture people about how terrible they are."  It would be something like, "drive around in a sweet Ferrari with a super-hot chick in a bikini, just blasting Journey, and then pull up to someone at a red light and be like, ‘hey, do you want a badass Ferrari too? Then come to this meeting on Sunday.’"  Jehovah’s Witnesses are just as intrusive as the candy kid, but the logic behind their tactic is so much more idiotic, and that’s what really pisses me off.
 
 
Drunken Argument for A Kid Selling Something:
 
 

 Sure, Jehovah’s Witnesses are annoying, but I can slam the door in the face of a Jehovah’s Witness, and if I’m in a really bad mood, say, watching a football game that I’ve just lost 500 dollars on, then I can invite them in and proceed to take my anger out on them, and just try to piss them off by saying things like "don’t get me wrong, I like Jesus. I mean, I masturbate to his image every night, but I just don’t know…"  But when a little kid comes to your door, you can’t be mean to them, unless you’re my dad.  So what ends up happening is that you feel like a shitbag because you didn’t buy their candy that was going to help send them on some trip where they learn about hope and love, or you feel like a shit bag because you did buy their candy, which was marked up 5000%.  And if you happen to yell at the kid, then everyone in your neighborhood looks at you like you’re an asshole, whereas if you yell at a Jehovah’s Witness, your neighbors will act like you killed a bear that was stalking your street: "Man, I can’t believe it!  That’s so awesome. It’s about time someone did that!"
 
So what do you think is worse: Jehovah’s Witness, or a Kid Selling Something?

34 Responses to "Drunken Argument Friday: A Kid Selling Something or Jehovah’s Witnesses?"

  1. Poopyduck says:

    The way i see it is you can always open the door naked for a Jehovah’s Witness and they will leave. If you try that on a child then you may end up getting 5 to 10.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Exactly…that’s what I was wondering. That’s a little hypocritical — go ahead and preach to the world about staying morally clean and not getting involved in the “wickedness of the world”. Umm…what do you think is on a site like Holy Taco? heh-heh

    My wife is a JW — I’m an agnostic. What a match, eh? While I don’t agree with many of her beliefs, I do respect her right to practice and believe what she wants. I fell in love with what she is as a person, and that’s all that matters.

    But I do have to laugh when I see people posting on sites like this stating they are “one of Jehovah’s Witnesses”. Just remember that not all JWs are like that — just like all Catholics aren’t all spic-and-span. You know?

  3. 6zakazov says:

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  4. baconator says:

    The child jehovah who sells candy

  5. Anonymous says:

    Sweet, thanks for that. And now I think I speak for every human being on the face of the earth when I bid you a hearty GTFO.

  6. Grunt says:

    Go away please

  7. Anonymous says:

    a valid point, poopyduck.

  8. Andrew says:

    as long as the jehovah is willing to shut up while you explain to them that there is no god but the look on every 6th grader’s face when you shut them down by saying no when they ask you if you want to buy a chocolate bar is just sad.

  9. Anonymous says:

    I hate assclowns that go door to door looking for cans and bottles. Im like shit, asshole, YOU didn’t drink YOUR liver into dried up sponge, so fuck off and leave my fucken bottles alone. They’re all i have left. All i have left.

  10. Horny Chick says:

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  11. Anonymous says:

    Ok.. if you’re going to slam us (yes i am one of Jehovah’s Witnesses)..then use the right term in talking about us. We are not “Jehovah’s”… we are Witnesses of Jehovah, i.e. Jehovah’s Witnesses. Its scriptural.. look it up. Secondly, we try to be tactful when coming to your door. We understand that you all have busy lives, that you have your own opinions and maybe even a religion that you follow, and that 99% of you don’t want to talk to us. We get it! However, that does not free us of our scriptural obligation to talk to you about conditions in the world and the promise of a better world coming. We don’t come to “convert” you to our religion, we come to get you to look deeper into your copy of the bible and help you understand what it says so that you can make an informed decision on what religion you choose to follow based on accurate knowledge of the scriptures. We don’t pretend to know everything but one thing that we do have is an understanding of where this world is going, who is ruling this world, and what an individual has to do to have a true hope for the future. Maybe just one time you might actually have an open mind and give the next witness that stops by an opportunity to show you something good from the scriptures…there’s too much bad news around us not to want to see change.

  12. mudslngr1 says:

    When you realize it’s a jeesus freak at your door, blast the slayer and just keep saying what, huh, what, huh, then slam the door. Works every time!

  13. Anonymous says:

    ***Shuts door in Face***

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  15. eknks says:

    good idea

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  16. eknks says:

    Since when do people in neighborhoods even have an opinion about their neighbors anyway? My street is like a painting with no people in it.

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  17. blackie says:

    What part of the Jehova faith does Holy Taco site surfing fall under?

  18. vaffanculo says:

    Damn funny. DAMN funny.

  19. Ytu says:

    I like the Jehovah’s witnesses meetings, they serve free refreshments.

  20. Anonymous says:

    I wonder what one of your elders in your congregation would think about you visiting and posting to sites like this one?

    If you don’t have a problem with, or feel ashamed, or feel that it is morally wrong or unclean to visit such sites, then by all means don’t stop.

    But, if you question it at all for any reason, then you probably shouldn’t do it and ask Jehovah for the strength to do what is right.

  21. Anonymous says:

    As a witness the best way to get us to go away is to be straightforward(politely would be preferred). Tell us not to visit you and will we make a note of it and make sure that it written down as a do not visit for your area. Its that easy really! But hey i have had my fair share of messing with people that come to front door too, go ahead dick around, it always makes for a more interesting day. Also your idea of witnessing is pretty awesome, just missing the ferrari and hot chick. >_<

  22. RoboPanda says:

    just missing the ferrari and hot chick

    So you still have the Journey blasting on a stereo when you go door to door? I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

  23. Anonymous says:

    But if I wanted to convert someone to my crazy religion, my plan wouldn’t be “knock on the door and lecture people about how terrible they are.” It would be something like, “drive around in a sweet Ferrari with a super-hot chick in a bikini, just blasting Journey, and then pull up to someone at a red light and be like, ‘hey, do you want a badass Ferrari too? Then come to this meeting on Sunday.’”….Yes!!! i used to be a “witness” and that was the one thing i really hated doing. you know the guy you wake up at 9 in the morning is not gonna want to talk about religion after a long night of drinking…unless he is still drunk…then its still a maybe.

  24. Anonymous says:

    That is true of my street too – I only know the next door neighbors because they complained about my dog…I have no idea who lives on this street – I rarely see anyone outside!

  25. Pratik says:

    Since when do people in neighborhoods even have an opinion about their neighbors anyway? My street is like a painting with no people in it.

  26. Anonymous says:

    kid selling something, you could be a dick to the jehovah witness and not give a fuck afterwards

    Here’s what worse, those old ass fools trying to sell you candy, its not a kid, but a damn annoying 30 something yr old adult trying to hustle so you can buy a $1 fucking Mr.Goodbar

  27. Anonymous says:

    Yea i just got home from preaching and rocking out to dont stop believing.

  28. justin says:
     Yeah. It was supposed to be CAN’T.  Thanks for catching that.
     
  29. PrickRolled says:

    Sentence below is an epic fail. You CAN’T be mean to little kids.

    “But when a little kid comes to your door, you can be mean to them, unless you’re my dad.”

  30. RoboPanda says:

    Future reference for dealing with Jehovah’s Witnesses: make them think you’re Jewish, and they’ll never come back to your house again. Antisemitic halloween-hatin’ bastards. WHO HATES HALLOWEEN? Assholes, that’s who.

  31. JB says:

    Jehovas witnesses, I can say no to a kid and they will just leave, whereas once you have found out it is a witness they won’t fucking leave until you’ve taken all their damn flyers. and even though you tell em to leave they still try and make an appointment to come back and discuss it with you.

    Personally though I hate those smug prick enviromentalists who try and get you to buy a $40 membership to their tree of the month club, I’d rather talk to a kid jehovas witness selling religious candy, if there is such a thing.

  32. alex says:

    The best are the child Jehovah witnesses. They really think they’re doing you a favor as opposed to their adult counterparts who are all just self-serving pricks who try to “recruit for Jesus” to make themselves look better in God’s eyes. I like to kindly reject the kids, but you gotta fuck with the adults.

  33. Anonymous says:

    A picture of a KID and no PEDOPHILE or CHRIS HANSEN joke, yet!?

    I am impressed by the “classiness” displayed here.