When we took up the mantle here at Holy Taco we were told we had to engage in some social drinking in the office if we wanted to get anything done right. This was not a problem as most of us had been drinking mouthwash recreationally for years. This, of course, lead to slacking off and watching movie previews on the computers of the guys over at ScreenJunkies. That in turn lead to this argument; which movie puts the chop in karate chop, the original Karate Kid or the remake?
Drunken Argument That the Original is Superior
Mr. Miyagi could kick the living shit out of any white kid and that’s a fact. I know I’ve seen white kids beat up Jackie Chan before, but Pat Morita? F*ck you! This guy taught Ralph Macchio, a 97lb bitch with arms like my sister, how to beat up an entire dojo full of angry Aryan assholes, by making him wax shit and stand on one foot. That’s amazing. And you know what else? The original Karate Kid has karate in it. The remake has kung-fu. I’m not retarded, man. If I make a movie called The Karate Duck or The Karate Syphilitic, son-of-a-bitch is going to have karate in it. I don’t care how famous Will Smith is, he made a movie called the Karate Kid with no goddamn karate in it. And how come everyone is like 3 feet tall in the new movie? It’s a bunch of little Asian kids and Will Smith’s kid and no one can drive and I barely want to bang Elizabeth Shue so I’m not even sure what’s motivating me to want to see the new one.
Drunken Argument That the Remake is Superior
I haven’t even seen this yet and it’s better than the original Karate Kid because there are actually Asians in this movie. I’m not a racist, but f*ck Kobra Kai, man. Bunch of feathered hair nancies from the suburbs, of course an Italian stereotype kicked their asses. These guys are all used to playing grab ass in the showers after gym class and they have all this pent up rage and no outlet and you’d think maybe, as privileged white suburbanites, they’d be able to manage some kind of offense against the poor Italian kid with the injured leg but when it comes down to crunch time, during the tournament, they all have to hide shame boners in their little karate outfits. The new movie does away with all the queer subtext and makes it about racist kids, the way all good fights should be. You’ve got a bunch of Asian kids and a black kid and they beat the shit out of each other the way God intended. School yard fights are some of the most entertaining things you’ll ever see, this is the same thing for two hours only it’s been choreographed by a Hollywood stunt man and Jackie Chan shows up to make a couple of jokes, that shit’s awesome.