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Drunken Argument Friday: Old Karate Kid vs New Karate Kid

When we took up the mantle here at Holy Taco we were told we had to engage in some social drinking in the office if we wanted to get anything done right. This was not a problem as most of us had been drinking mouthwash recreationally for years. This, of course, lead to slacking off and watching movie previews on the computers of the guys over at ScreenJunkies. That in turn lead to this argument; which movie puts the chop in karate chop, the original Karate Kid or the remake? 

 

Drunken Argument That the Original is Superior

Mr. Miyagi could kick the living shit out of any white kid and that’s a fact. I know I’ve seen white kids beat up Jackie Chan before, but Pat Morita? F*ck you! This guy taught Ralph Macchio, a 97lb bitch with arms like my sister, how to beat up an entire dojo full of angry Aryan assholes, by making him wax shit and stand on one foot. That’s amazing. And you know what else? The original Karate Kid has karate in it. The remake has kung-fu. I’m not retarded, man. If I make a movie called The Karate Duck or The Karate Syphilitic, son-of-a-bitch is going to have karate in it. I don’t care how famous Will Smith is, he made a movie called the Karate Kid with no goddamn karate in it. And how come everyone is like 3 feet tall in the new movie? It’s a bunch of little Asian kids and Will Smith’s kid and no one can drive and I barely want to bang Elizabeth Shue so I’m not even sure what’s motivating me to want to see the new one.

Drunken Argument That the Remake is Superior

I haven’t even seen this yet and it’s better than the original Karate Kid because there are actually Asians in this movie. I’m not a racist, but f*ck Kobra Kai, man. Bunch of feathered hair nancies from the suburbs, of course an Italian stereotype kicked their asses. These guys are all used to playing grab ass in the showers after gym class and they have all this pent up rage and no outlet and you’d think maybe, as privileged white suburbanites, they’d be able to manage some kind of offense against the poor Italian kid with the injured leg but when it comes down to crunch time, during the tournament, they all have to hide shame boners in their little karate outfits. The new movie does away with all the queer subtext and makes it about racist kids, the way all good fights should be. You’ve got a bunch of Asian kids and a black kid and they beat the shit out of each other the way God intended. School yard fights are some of the most entertaining things you’ll ever see, this is the same thing for two hours only it’s been choreographed by a Hollywood stunt man and Jackie Chan shows up to make a couple of jokes, that shit’s awesome.

12 Responses to "Drunken Argument Friday: Old Karate Kid vs New Karate Kid"

  1. regs says:

    Just one is karate kid,ron macchio…even in 100000 years cant be that good movie,with that name.

  2. spitonyaback says:

    The Karate Kid was a gay movie..i would have kicked his skinny ass….GET HIM A BODY BAG AH AHA HA HA H A..FINISH HIM!!!!

  3. Jesus's Dad says:

    Yeah you brought back racism and gay jokes! That’s the Holy Taco I remember! The real question is why did you use pictures where both Karate Kids have their legs spread? Is there a camel toe contest nobody told me about?

  4. Ben Affleck says:

    Old all the way, but the new one might at least be amusing.

    Jaden Smith… pfft. Fine example why acting should be held with no more respect than a tar layer or dish washer. Son of Will, so he automatically gets past the actor guild restrictions.
    This kid’s existence in film is precisely why I say that an actor is just a normal person who is not afraid of cameras. Sure, he may have had millions of dollars in coaching and a completely endless budget for film retakes to conceal any failures, but ultimately he is no different than his dad. Same dude in every role and will be forever. Nothing wrong with that. Christopher Walkin is the same in every role and he’s perfect that way. So is Morgan Freeman.
    All people who are not afraid of the camera.

    Hollywood is bullshit. I suppose it’s perfect that way.

  5. 00kla the M0k says:

    Let me take this opportunity to apologize to you for crucifying you long ago on comics2film, Ben. I rallied against you for the role of Batman but you went on to do a good Daredevil (the movie’s shortcomings had nothing to do with you). May your fearlessness in the face of the camera garner you more roles in the future. (see what I did there?) Peace

    Old KK was of moderate quality but gets more credit than it deserves due to its zeitgeist.

    New KK is a ham-handed fame graft with some of the most obviously fake hype ever drummed up. Maybe its good though. Could be the best film ever made. Better than The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Anything is possible, right? (wagers that it will be swill)

    Vote: old KK

  6. Ben Affleck says:

    Apology accepted. It really was unfortunate how the timing and directing negatively impacted my stellar performance in Daredevil. But, I suppose that’s what you get when you’re forced to work in a union. Can’t keep out all the crappy people, but we can still hope for the best.

  7. pratik says:

    Good point… a karate movie with no karate in it? What is up with that?

  8. Jackie Chan says:

    I apologize for selling out and letting Will Smith and his nappyheaded son shit on a classic. Sure, I know some karate but this movie should really be called “Kung Fu Kid.”

    I’ve failed you all and will promptly retire to Hong Kong, where I promise to sequester myself with my millions of ill-gotten dollars and gorgeous concubines.

  9. Chris Tucker says:

    Apology accepted. I just hope you never touched Will Smith’s radio dial. Actually, it probably wouldn’t matter, he barely qualifies as black. Shiiiit.

  10. Owen Wilson says:

    Nooo, Jackie. See, it’s like… like… likelikelikelike when you fall off the HORSE, you gotta get back ON, man! Hey- like when I tried to off myself. I didn’t let it get me down or… or… ororor let it ruin my caREER, right? I starred in Marmaduke with George Lopez. GEORGE LOPEZ! I’m on top of the world because I didn’t let my failures get the best of me, and THAT’S what YOU gotta’ do Jackie!

  11. Samo Hung says:

    No need apologize, Jackie. I know every part of body hurt after many action film. Bag of money from Smith more than all money gandy-dancers ever make in old day. Can you tell them I am available for remake of Blazing Saddle?

  12. i now hate jackie chan says:

    I hate the new Karate Kid movie. No Karate init!! It’s all Kung Fu!! Different style! Jackie Chan?! He’s just being himself in the movie. The film is a JOKE and an insult to the original.