If there’s one thing we like more than drinking, it’s arguing
about really stupid things, like who would win in a fight
between actual saints and actual colts. Here’s what it looks like when we do both at the same time:
Drunken Argument for the Saints:
According to Wikipedia, saints are holy dead guys that live in heaven. There are also over 10,000 of them. They’re essentially ghosts, so we’re talking about 10,000 ghosts. That should be enough to convince anyone that a bunch of wobbly-legged colts would lose this fight, but it doesn’t make much sense for a ghost to fight a scared little horsey. Unless, of course, you think about every ghost movie ever made. Ghosts aren’t made of organic material. Therefore, colts are unable to strike them. This automatically takes the colts’ offense away. They’re stuck playing defense, and if you know anything about colts, then you know they’re nothing without their offense. Ghosts are spooky, and the colts’ defense is going to be rendered useless by the spookiness factor. Horses get spooked and scatter like flies if you fart near them. They’re not going to be able to organize themselves enough to defeat the spooky saints in battle when they’re running for their lives. Not to mention: the saints are playing with St. George, the patron saint of war, and St. Francis of Assisi, the patron saint of animals. This basically means that the horses are f*cked. Any protection they thought they had is automatically gone, and they’re up against a dead guy who’s only purpose is war. The saints are going to slaughter the colts on the battlefield, and the colts are either going to end up in the glue factory, eventually attaching Fruit Loops to my nephew’s artwork, or the Alpo factory, and later in my dog’s bowl. Either way, the outcome is the same: the colts are going to end up in the stool of a living creature that I hold dear. That’s right: poop. Saints win this one easily.
Drunken Argument for the Colts:
I don’t know a lot about saints, but I’m pretty sure that, in order to be declared a saint, you have to be dead already. There might be living saints, but there aren’t many of them. Therefore, this argument should really be "who would win in a fight between some young, strong stallions and a bunch of dead people?". Obviously, the colts would kick the saints’ maggot-ridden corpse asses. Baby horses might seem cute and cuddly, but they can be as mean as a wet, drunken Mel Gibson if they want to be. Sure, saints can perform miracles (supposedly), but their miracles are always good, like they’ll cure someone of cancer, or they’ll guide some impoverished child out of a burning orphanage or something. There’s no saint who’s ever been canonized for miraculously kicking the shit out of some baby animals just for the sport of it. In fact, fighting a baby animal is unsaintly in most cases, so even if all the saints were alive, they still wouldn’t put up a very good fight. For the sake of argument, though, let’s assume that the fight is a bunch of living saints versus a bunch of volatile, angry, hormonal baby horses. Have you ever been to a rodeo? Have you ever seen how much stronger a horse is than a man? Even a baby horse can kick a farmer across the barn and shatter a few vertebrae in the process. A bunch of peace-loving, magical priests and nuns should be no problem for an entire army of young steeds. And that’s in spite of assuming that the saints would actually be alive. Since the real fight would just be a bunch of baby horses stomping some rotting corpses and skeletons into the dirt, this victory goes to the colts in a landslide.
What Do You Think? Saints or Colts?