If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink, it’s argue
about really stupid
things, like what would be a cooler super power: shapeshifting, or teleportation? Here’s what it looks like when we do both at the same time
Drunken Argument for Shapeshifting:
Shapeshifting is way cooler than teleportation. Teleportation is just another form of transportation, on par with the invention of air travel. Sure, it’d be pretty badass for a few days, but then it would start to get lame. You’d always be expected to be on time. Gone is the excuse that there was too much traffic. It really just seems like a f*cking drag. Besides, who really wants the ability to get to work 20 minutes faster? Shapeshifting, on the other hand, is super f*cking cool. Who wouldn’t want the ability to turn into anything you wanted? Oh, that hot chick’s into black dudes? BAM! Shift into a black dude, bang the hot chick with the nice ass, and dunk a basketball for the first time ever. The possibilities are endless. Do you have a sick sense of humor and no shame? Shift into your best friends girlfriend and bang your best friend — wait, hear me out on this one — bang the hell out of your best friend. I mean really, really bang him good. Then, when he’s about to cum, shift into his mom and scar him for life. The look on his face will be priceless, and who really cares, right?! Not you. You’ll just shift into that black dude again, dunk a few basketballs, then go lay some pipe. Shapeshifting wins.
Drunken Argument for Teleportation:
If you really had a super power, you’d use it for three things: getting rich, getting pussy, and being awesome. For these goals, teleporting is much more convenient and useful than shapeshifting. With teleportation, you just do exactly what the kid did in Jumper: wait until a bank is closed, teleport into the vault, and have a heyday. Teleportation makes everything much quicker and easier. Getting hot chicks to sleep with you would be way easier with teleportation, because you’d be filthy rich and hot chicks like guys with money no matter how ugly they are. With shapeshifting, you’d constantly be shifting into different dudes for different girls, and it would get confusing. You’d have to remember that the hot chick who works at the Gap likes you as a mexican cholo dude, and the weird girl at the coffee shop only likes you if you look like her grandpa, or whatever. Also, eventually you’d get that whole "nobody likes me for who I really am" complex that all shapeshifters get, which would turn you into a total pussy. With teleportation, the hot girl would be boning you, not some cholo dude or her grandpa or whoever you had to turn into to make her sleep with you. As an added bonus, you could bone her in the Amazon, or on top of the Goodyear Blimp, or wherever the f*ck else you want to bone, and that would be awesome. Finally: can a shapeshifter instantly appear in Marissa Miller’s bathroom while she’s showering? No. All a shapeshifter can do is pretend to be the maid and "accidentally" walk in on her. Then you’d look like an ass, and you’d get her real poor immigrant maid fired. Teleportation wins this one, hands down.
What do you think? Shapeshifting or Teleportation?