If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink, it’s
argue about really stupid things, like who would win if the Smurfs
engaged in all-out war with the Keebler Elves. Here’s what it looks like when we do both at the same time:
Drunken Argument for The Smurfs:
The Keebler Elves are a lot like my fat aunt Beth, or "Auntzilla", as I like to call her: they both live in the woods and only eat dough covered in icing. Because of this unique diet it’s safe to assume that, like Auntzilla, the Keebler Elves also have terrible diabeetus. Not just regular "I should eat a pack of crackers" diabeetus, either. We’re talking Wilford Brimley-style diabeetus. The kind where you have to check it and check it often. Because of this, the Elves are at a terrible disadvantage. Their forces would never be at 100%, because there would always be a handful of them back in the hallow tree checking their blood sugar and taking naps. They’d be unable to stop the onslaught of healthy Smurf forces. The Keebler Elves appear to have magical powers, but as far as I know they’re only good for stuffing fudge into pre-baked cookies, or making it rain sprinkles into a caldron of batter. These magical powers are hardly intimidating. The Smurfs are used to fighting a foe larger and craftier than the Keebler Elves that uses magic, sorcery, and every waking moment of his life thinking of different ways to kill Smurfs: Gargamel. The Smurfs are a lot like Israel in this way: Israel always has someone trying to kick its ass, and because of this they have one of the most well-trained militaries in the entire world. It’s safe to assume, then, that the Smurfs, like Israel, have defense strategies and a badass military ready to mobilize itself at all times. The only way the Keebler Elves have a fighting chance is if they feed the Smurfs to death. Smurfs win, no contest.
Drunken Argument for the Keebler Elves:
The Keebler Elves would totally dominate this battle because, in the words of Daft Punk/Kanye: they’re bigger, faster, and stronger than their Smurf adversaries. Smurfs live inside of mushrooms, which means they’re incredibly small. Even the biggest mushroom couldn’t house a creature taller than a couple of inches. The Keebler elves, on the other hand, live in a tree. Here’s a short list of other creatures that live in trees: owls, squirrels, birds, monkeys, those giant bats in Africa. All of those creatures are taller than two inches, so it’s safe to assume that the Keebler elves are as well. Also, the Keebler Elves are a commune that’s used to working together toward a common goal: making delicious cookies. This group-mindedness and team perseverance could easily be carried over to the battlefield. The Smurfs, on the other hand, never really seem to do anything productive, other than scattering like flies on shit whenever Gargamel comes around. They all have individual skills and talents that make them a valuable resource to the group as a whole: Brainy Smurf would be reliable for battle strategy and tactics. The gay one would be reliably gay. Smurfette would be responsible for being a whore and repopulating the Smurf society after the Keebler Elves massacre most of them, and so on. While these individual specializations may seem like an advantage, they’re actually a monumental disadvantage; it won’t take long for the Keebler Elves to figure out that by eliminating Brainy Smurf, the Smurf’s battle strategies would be seriously crippled. Keebler Elves also have magical powers, as is evidenced by their extensive use of magic in quality cookie manufacturing in their numerous commercials. If they are stupid enough to engage in all out war, those Smurfs are gonna get their smurfin’ smurf-holes turned smurfside-out by the Keebler Elves.
What Do You Think: Smurfs or Keebler Elves?
Courtney Love & Muppet Sexual Assault
Playboy’s Big Dance March Madness Bracket Challenge
wtf happend to jay vs Coco?
Let me see now here, they both have big nose and big ears, are a lot smaller and non healthy looking, there both kinda of Jewish, so it is quite irrevelent won wins has long has a lot of them fight to the death, total death that his!
Case close!!!!
I think that the argument that Keebler elves only eat cookies is not a good one. Just because they make the cookies doesn’t mean they’re eating them. Think about it, if they made cookies all day that were meant to be distributed to the greater population for a profit then they wouldn’t be eating them. They would never make money that way. And who’s to say that they can only use magic to put sprinkles in batter? That’s the only thing they show us in the commercials because that’s the only thing relevant to the message they’re trying to convey. I think if you can use magic at all you can definatley do more with it than put sprinkles in batter or shove some frosting up a cookie’s ass. My vote, Keebler Elves, hands down. They just come out of the trees man, they just come out of the trees.
these elves are fudge packers thought it needed to be said
thank god for NO FIRSTS!!!
FIRST!!!!
The Smurfs were made by the French. Hence they will lose every conflict until the US saves them, which we wont because we fat americans like cookies far more.
Doesn’t gargamel want to eat the smurfs? I would imagine that if the smurfs are indeed delicious, then the elves magic could easily make them into delicious blue cookies, the smurfs would watch in horror as their kinsmen were devoured by magic elves
Yes but only later in the series, at first he wants to melt them into to gold. which relates to the whole commie smurf thing someone else mentioned ie communist vs capitalist. Also when in the article they talk about smurfette repopulating the smurf population which doesnt work because smurfs are asexual.
The smurfs would destroy them for one reason. Theres like a hundred of them and like 3 or 4 elves, they’d overwhelm them.
smurfs definately
smurfs are kinda wimpy. elves are all orderly and hard working. like germans or japanese. kind of sacry.
depends on what youve had.
smoke a bunch of weed, then youll be looking for the chocolatey goodness the elves can provide.
take a bunch of acid, well then you’ll enjoy the colorfully ambiguous world of the smurfs
I got nothin’ on this one
Obviously the purpose of this article to promote the Jewish agenda and act as its proxy to convincing everyone that the Holocaust was real.
I agree
not my chair, not my problem. thats what i say
Who is this guy?! GET REAL!!
who put that chair there?!?!
who paid for that floor? not me. never pay for no floor again. not now, not neva.
stay groovy
Both of them can bring their game to Snorkland and get ab-so-fuc*ing-lutely murdered!
I have a feeling the Smurfs would have the upper hand at first and then Hitler would show up and Hitler hates Smurfs….or Jews….same thing really.
Fact: Smurfs are communists, therefore the elfs which are capitalists have better everything. Just like in the coldwar, elfs win.