If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink, it’s argue
about really stupid stuff, like whether Valentine’s Day
is awesome or completely shitty. Here’s what it looks like when we do both at the same time:
Drunken Argument that Valentine’s Day is Awesome:
Everyone knows that Valentine’s Day is a holiday created by greeting card companies to give people a reason to spend millions of dollars on their products and perpetuate gender stereotypes. That’s common knowledge, and that would be a very good reason to hate Valentine’s Day, if it wasn’t for the one reason why Valentine’s Day is awesome: it’s practically a guarantee that you’re going to get laid on Valentine’s Day. If you have a wife or a girlfriend already, it’s easy. You don’t even have to buy some big, lavish, expensive-ass gift for her, because you just did that six f*cking weeks ago for Christmas. All you have to do is get the traditional, cliche Valentine’s Day gifts that are avalailable at any Walgreens, grocery store, or your local gas station. Pick up a nice pink/red sentimental card with a picture of a cute baby animal on it, write something vaguely sappy in it, and get a cheap bouquet of flowers. That’s all you have to do to get laid on Valentine’s Day. Think about it: have you ever heard anyone say something like: "I see you’re admiring my beautiful tudor mansion. My husband got it for me for Valentine’s Day a while back."? No. Nobody ever says that, because women don’t expect big lavish things like that. They’d like to get a house or a car for Valentine’s Day, just like you’d love to get a trampoline with a 20ft. pool right next to it for Bastille Day, but they’re not expecting it. On Valentine’s Day, the cost of admission into your girlfriend’s vagina drops dramatically. It’s like a Labor Day sales event, except that instead of offering quality refurbished mattresses or used cars, the sale item is a relentless evening of boning. If you’re single, the price drops even more. If you walk into a shitty bar at 12:30 on Valentine’s Day, all you have to do is say something to one of the many sobby, mascara-smeared fat chicks and you’re in like Flynn. Valentine’s Day is no day for standards, but it’s definitely a day for easy boning, and that’s why Valentine’s Day is awesome.
Drunken Argument for Why Valentine’s Day Blows:
Valentine’s Day is an absolute piece of shit holiday. For starters, you don’t get the day off of work, so it’s not a real holiday in my book. Secondly, the only reason why you have to buy girls cards and candy and flowers and bullshit overpriced gifts like that is because those companies said that you have to, and now it’s expected. I’d much rather take the money that I spent on cards, flowers, and candy and use it to get my girlfriend/wife/date completely shitfaced, just like I can do any other night of the year with the same results. Also I guarantee that if you were to walk into a bar at 12:30 any other night of the year, you’d find the same desperate fat chicks wiping their tears off the bar, and they’d be equally willing so spread their hammy thighs for the small price of a single moment of attention from a man. That’s not a Valentine’s Day thing, that’s just a fat, lonely girl in a bar thing. The problem with Valentine’s Day is that it’s created an element of materialism associated with love. If I were to go to my wife/girlfriend/whatever on Valentine’s Day and say, "hey, honey, I didn’t get you a shitty, worthless, disposable, empty gesture gift for Valentine’s Day. Instead, I’m gonna pay the water bill so that we can continue to shower and drink things on a regular basis", she would be pissed and I would NOT get laid. Yet that decision would be so much more logical, and a much better gift. Instead, my wife/girlfriend/whatever will be sitting in the living room at the end of the month with some dead flowers and an overpriced, glittery, pre-written love note, dying of dehydration and smelling like Iron Sheik’s ballsack (and I’m talking about current Iron Sheik). All I’m saying is: if there’s a day where you’re supposed to express your love for people, then there should also be a day where you’re required to tell the people that you really hate how much you f*cking hate them and wish that something large would fall from the sky and crush them. It’s got to be all or none. Until they invent that holiday, Valentine’s Day can lick my taint.
So What Do You Think? Is Valentine’s Day Awesome or Shitty?