If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink, it’s argue about really important stuff like if we would rather drive a Volkswagen Beetle, or a PT Cruiser. Here’s what it sounds like when we do both at the same time:
Drunken Argument for the VW Beetle:
Unlike the PT Cruiser, which was super-gay right of the blocks, the Beetle didn’t start out that way. The Beetle just sort of became gay somehow, kind of like Will Smith. Hitler commissioned the building of the first Beetles. That guy hated gay stuff. You think he would’ve commissioned the building of a gay car, so that him and his Third Reich buddies could look like a bunch of wussies? No way! Hitler wouldn’t be caught dead driving a PT Cruiser. The PT Cruiser looks like something that Rip Taylor would roll up in, and then he would roll his window down and toss a handful of glitter into the air. I’m not even mentioning the fact that the "PT" in PT Cruiser stans for "Penis Toucher". Oh, you didn’t know that? Well, it’s a fact. Look it up. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be caught dead inside of anything that’s called a Penis Toucher. I just wouldn’t feel comfortable, y’know, being inside of it. Let’s not forget that super-badass Herbie the Lovebug was a Beetle. That cool ass car was as straight as it gets. First off, it was a rad race car, and secondly, Lindsey Lohan rode it like a cowgirl (*fist pounding Herbie*). Sure, the Beetle looks kind of gay now, but it’s just experimenting with the metro look, and tons of chicks are still riding him. He attracts them with lovely flowers, and then BAM! They’re in. The Beetle will go back to its old, badass ways after he gets out of this phase he’s in. There’s no hope for the PT Cruiser, though; it started off gay, it’s still gay, and it will always be gay. Beetle wins.
Drunken Argument for the PT Cruiser:
The PT Cruiser is definitely the more masculine of these two incredibly gay cars. It’s the pitcher, if you will. The PT’s body style, while still completely shitty, suggests that at some point you may have used this car to carry something slightly large, like maybe a vacuum cleaner or a coffee table or something. Also, there’s a slim chance that you might be able to make a PT Cruiser look somewhat cool, even if it was ironic. Like, you could put some wood paneling on the side, and then get a miniature surfboard to always carry on top. Then you could be like, "yes, I do drive a PT Cruiser, but I made it look like an old Woody to be ironic about how crappy my car is." Most people would be like, "well, it’s still a gay car, but at least he knows it." With a Beetle, your options are pretty limited. The least stupid thing you can do with a Beetle is paint it to look like…well, some other kind of small, non-threatening insect. You’ve got room to carry maybe one of your friends around, and he’d better be a gay friend, because there’s no way a straight dude is riding bitch in a Beetle. Plus, I had a friend once who (reluctantly) drove a Beetle for a while, and the door handle fell of of it. The f*cking door handle! So not only is the Beetle super-gay, but it’s also a piece of shit to boot. Also, I see a lot of straight black dudes driving PT Cruisers, and straight black dudes tend to do a lot of things that are not only cool, but also decidedly un-gay. I’ve never seen a cool black guy driving a Beetle. Never. There’s one deciding factor, however, that solidifies the PT Cruiser’s status as "slightly less gay than the Beetle": the PT Cruiser doesn’t come with a flower in the cup holder. You have fun deciding whether you want the sunflower or the daisies that come standard-issue with your Beetle. I’ll cruise around in a shitty PT Cruiser. Also, Geek Squad guys drive Beetles. Enough said.