If there's one thing we like to do more than drink, it's argue about really important stuff, like what's the coolest weapon to kill a burglar with. Here's what it sounds like when we do both at the same time:
Drunken Argument for A Cueball Wrapped in a Towel
A cueball wrapped in a towel would be my weapon of choice in any scenario. Burglar breaking in? Cueball towel. Zombie Apocalypse? Cueball towel. I'm an assassin in Nazi Germany and it's late at night and I've broken into Hitler's bunker, and he wakes up to go to the bathroom, and I'm waiting in the hall, and I follow him into the bathroom so it's just me and him, all alone, and I'm standing right behind him while he's taking a piss, and I can hear him breathing and he smells like Old Spice and lavendar soap, and all I have to do is kill him and end the war and save millions of jews? Cueball towel. This is because, as Steven Seagal proved in the bar scene in Out for Justice, there's really nothing you can't do with a cueball in a towel. It's simultaneously a club, nunchucks, a slingshot, a strangling device, and a really hard ball that you can throw if necessary, and you can wipe your hands off on it when you're done. You can apply it directly to a burglar's skull for an insta-kill, or you can use it to easily shatter bones if you want to play with them for a while before you kill them, like a old bitter housecat with a newborn baby. Seagal also demonstrates that, with the right skill and technique, you can disarm anyone of anything fairly easily with a cueball in a towel, so if the burglar comes at me with a gun, knife, pool cue, broken bottle, or bar stool, I'll be fine. Most importantly, though, the fact that I could use a cueball in a towel as a weapon would imply that I have a pool table in my house (and towels, for that matter), and I would love to have a pool table (and towels), so that would just be an extra little perk on top of the awesome, incredibly versatile, and extremely effective weapon that I would make from a cueball wrapped in a towel.
Drunken Argument for a Baseball Bat With Nails In it
Cueball in a towel seems like a good weapon, but let me tell you why it would never work. Using it as a sling is going to require you to carry around a shit-ton of cueballs. That's not practical. In a life-or-death situation, you aren't going to have time to constantly reload your weakass cueball sling. In a situation where you're going to have to use your weapon for multiple kills, that blood-soaked towel is going to start to wear thin from all the skull beating. The centrifugal force created by swinging the cueball in the towel is going to cause the cueball to wear on the tattered, blood-soaked towel as well, and eventually the towel is going to rip, and your weapon will be useless. Congrats. Now you're f*cked. Personally, I would opt for the simple, trusty wooden baseball bat with nails through it. Of course, the bat would be reinforced with athletic tape to proved adequate grip and increased durability, and it can be used in any situation. Sure, it's only effective in close range defense, but we're talking home invasion here. It's the perfect weapon in a defense scenario, and it can be used over and over again. Not only is it durable, but it combines different types of killing techniques: the blunt, brutal force of a baseball bat, and the stabbiness of nails. Plus, you look like a badass mobster when you're using it, not a weak pussy karate teacher with a ponytail who now has a shitty reality show on A&E. Steven Seagal sucks balls, and so does your weapon of choice.
So, What Do You Think Would Be The Coolest Weapon to Kill a Burglar With?
it is always a good idea to ask any home intruder how old he is before taking any further action. also sleep with a bag of oranges by your bed, just in case...
Well, those of us who have scurvy related nightmares DO sleep with a sack of oranges at our bedside. You never know when your dreams are trying to tell you something...
"In a life-or-death situation, you aren't going to have tim to constantly reload your weakass cueball sling." -Who is Tim and what is he doing during the fight that he can't help me load?
Hahaha! Thanks. Fixed it. But seriously, Tim's our pet midget. He follows us around and does helpful things all the time. Plus if you tip him over, it takes forever for him to get back up again.
Yea, I didn't want to be "that guy" who is always correcting typos, but I did. It empowered me.
Tim sounds like an awesome little guy, and I like that you are constantly teaching him life lessons totally geared toward his betterment. Every time you tip him over he becomes that much stronger as he has to "get up, dust himself off, and start all over again"-Plus who doesn't love watching midgets struggle? I call you un-American if it doesn't bring you joy.
samurai sword. using the cueball thing is only as good as you can wield it. the nails in the bat only weaken the wood and the bat can shatter. sword cuts, slices and intimidates just by site. of course the ultimate answer is a light-saber.
period.
Samurai sword is a great answer. If we didn't know that after Pulp Fiction, then check out the article about the dude who hacked a burglar with a samurai sword! One swipe, and he slit the guys neck, cut the guys hand OFF and bled to death before the cops could get there!
Things Japanese have mastered: Tiny Electronics, Hello Kitty and Modes of Death!
A big problem with baseball bat with nails in it is that if you have several burglars when you hit one of them in the head the bat is likely to get lodged in their skull and you're gonna have a hard time getting it dislodged again so that you can deal to his mate. Then again you would look like a total badass doing it.
then again, once lodged in some poor dude's skull, you can just control him with the new joystick lodged in his head. use him as a human shield while you fins something else. good chances ur gonna have to use your feet to hold the skull as you free the bat.
& think of it this way. say the guy survives. ...easy to spot running down the road with a bat attached to the side of his skull.
I vote for the old school double sided axe (otis style for those familiar with the movie fraility). Not only are images of 80s slasher films and the intimidation associated with them flashing through the burglars mind as you swing that trusty combination of wood and steel giving your victims forhead an ass crack, but it works from both sides. You could also sneak up behind someone and choke them out with the handle held shoulder width apart and pulled toward your chest. Also while the crime scene is being cleaned you can be in the backyard splitting wood.
you fags are over thinking it its what is the damn coolest not the most effected dicknoses n a fucking lightsaber is the shit fucking fight me if u think otherwise fags
"I was gonna rip his heart out. I'm the best ever. I'm the most brutal
and vicious, the most ruthless champion there has ever been.
No one can stop me. disknoses are a conqueror? No! He's no Alexander!
I'm Alexander! I'm the best ever. I'm Sonny Liston. I'm Jack Dempsey.
There's never been anyone like me. I'm from their cloth.
There is no one who can match me. My style is impetuous,
my defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious.
I want his heart! I want to eat his children! Praise be to Allah!"
--- BEAST ---
Basically... he's suggesting that you have Mike Tyson as a butt buddy so if anyone breaks in, the crazy mofo can go off on the burgler (and then, presumably, rape your ass bloody).
you could tie them up and stick their head in the microwave like in last house on the left. i would probably like to torture them first tho. cut off fingers, drill holes in dick with power drill, stab in the eye with screwdriver, douse him in gas and light on fire. careful not to catch your house on fire during the last one.
Another important element would be the intimidation factor. During a home invasion, you can't show yourself to the burglar wielding either and trembling like a pussy. Hold the weapon in a scary "I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU UP" pose and just start screaming at the bitch.
sock full o bent knickles, cause then you can always get yourself a big bag of chips when it rips open and if you put a couple fun size snickers & a hot wheel in it its like a viceral pinata
Mossberg 590 Persuader
It may be less romantic than some of the other choices given, but it's highly effective. Hell, just hearing the slide rack the new shell into the chamber is usually enough to make all but the biggest crackheads flee in terror.
And you have 8 chances to whack someone...
how bout a regular baseball bat? you can easily beat someone within an inch of their life, and if need be, you can end them with a swift swing to the cranium.
Idiots. i already ended this shit. Light saber. Done. Guy breaks into your house, he hears that pshhh sound and he's like "yo, is that what i think it is?"
1. Let them walk into the booby traps I have set (you are not paranoid if people are really out to get you).
2. Nerd attack, using my suped up pocket laser pointer, I can blind them, trip with with a spare USB cable into my collect of Lord of the Rings action figures with real to life pointing sharpened swords and spears. Then when he or she is flailing in pain, a quick nudge out the window means a 10 storey fall or, really if you are a nerd, let your momma finish him for you.
Sorry, are we comparing a cueball or bat with nails to fictional weapons, like LIGHTSABERS? Okay, then I want Green Lantern's ring. Or Walker, Texas Ranger.
...and also guaranteed to blow up part of your house, sort of defeating the purpose of protecting it from burglars in the first place.
I'll go with a field hockey stick, as I did when a pack of pikeys broke into our building. Not too unwieldy or heavy but great for dealing almighty blows.
12gauge Shotgun with Flechette rounds. Nothing quite says "fucking die" like 16-22 steel razors flying at 1,500+ FPS in semi-linear path down a hallway.
I would attack the bastard with at first a bat then after knocking out some teeth I would move on to a steak knife. See I always wanted to be a surgon and this is a golden oppurtunity handed from God, plus fuck em he was trying to steal my shit. Lastly bring out the rusty, dull spoon and pop out some eyeballs. Yeah I said it.
(39 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
September 18th, 2009 at 02:44 pm
Beat the fucker to death with a rolled-up Sunday New York Times, Jason Bourne style.
If the burglar is under 18, use a sack of oranges. It won't leave any bruises if he's dumb enough to claim child abuse.
September 18th, 2009 at 09:08 pm
it is always a good idea to ask any home intruder how old he is before taking any further action. also sleep with a bag of oranges by your bed, just in case...
September 19th, 2009 at 02:48 am
Well, those of us who have scurvy related nightmares DO sleep with a sack of oranges at our bedside. You never know when your dreams are trying to tell you something...
September 18th, 2009 at 03:42 pm
I prefer a banana hammock full of man meat.
"In a life-or-death situation, you aren't going to have tim to constantly reload your weakass cueball sling." -Who is Tim and what is he doing during the fight that he can't help me load?
September 18th, 2009 at 04:06 pm
Hahaha! Thanks. Fixed it. But seriously, Tim's our pet midget. He follows us around and does helpful things all the time. Plus if you tip him over, it takes forever for him to get back up again.
September 19th, 2009 at 07:10 am
Yea, I didn't want to be "that guy" who is always correcting typos, but I did. It empowered me.
Tim sounds like an awesome little guy, and I like that you are constantly teaching him life lessons totally geared toward his betterment. Every time you tip him over he becomes that much stronger as he has to "get up, dust himself off, and start all over again"-Plus who doesn't love watching midgets struggle? I call you un-American if it doesn't bring you joy.
September 18th, 2009 at 03:52 pm
Cha Cha Cha Chainsaw! If you are gonna take out a burglar, you may as well do it in the most violent way possible.
September 18th, 2009 at 04:15 pm
samurai sword. using the cueball thing is only as good as you can wield it. the nails in the bat only weaken the wood and the bat can shatter. sword cuts, slices and intimidates just by site. of course the ultimate answer is a light-saber.
period.
September 22nd, 2009 at 11:55 am
A light-sabre period sounds disgusting.
September 18th, 2009 at 04:33 pm
Samurai sword is a great answer. If we didn't know that after Pulp Fiction, then check out the article about the dude who hacked a burglar with a samurai sword! One swipe, and he slit the guys neck, cut the guys hand OFF and bled to death before the cops could get there!
Things Japanese have mastered: Tiny Electronics, Hello Kitty and Modes of Death!
September 19th, 2009 at 02:02 am
i think there was another time that a guy was watchin porn too loud and his neighbor thought he was killing a woman.
So he broke into the guy's place holding a samurai sword, and all he saw was the guy in the middle of jacking off to some too-loud porn.
September 18th, 2009 at 04:58 pm
I'd feed him jack in the box. Nah, baseball bat with nails and a berserker scream should do the trick.
September 18th, 2009 at 05:07 pm
if you have a baseball bat with nails, you better have spares. those things are awesome in a fight, but they are already weakened, and break quickly
September 19th, 2009 at 08:33 pm
FUCK YOU PHILOSOPHER
September 18th, 2009 at 06:44 pm
A big problem with baseball bat with nails in it is that if you have several burglars when you hit one of them in the head the bat is likely to get lodged in their skull and you're gonna have a hard time getting it dislodged again so that you can deal to his mate. Then again you would look like a total badass doing it.
October 6th, 2009 at 05:36 am
then again, once lodged in some poor dude's skull, you can just control him with the new joystick lodged in his head. use him as a human shield while you fins something else. good chances ur gonna have to use your feet to hold the skull as you free the bat.
& think of it this way. say the guy survives. ...easy to spot running down the road with a bat attached to the side of his skull.
September 18th, 2009 at 07:38 pm
I vote for the old school double sided axe (otis style for those familiar with the movie fraility). Not only are images of 80s slasher films and the intimidation associated with them flashing through the burglars mind as you swing that trusty combination of wood and steel giving your victims forhead an ass crack, but it works from both sides. You could also sneak up behind someone and choke them out with the handle held shoulder width apart and pulled toward your chest. Also while the crime scene is being cleaned you can be in the backyard splitting wood.
September 18th, 2009 at 09:27 pm
you fags are over thinking it its what is the damn coolest not the most effected dicknoses n a fucking lightsaber is the shit fucking fight me if u think otherwise fags
"I was gonna rip his heart out. I'm the best ever. I'm the most brutal
and vicious, the most ruthless champion there has ever been.
No one can stop me. disknoses are a conqueror? No! He's no Alexander!
I'm Alexander! I'm the best ever. I'm Sonny Liston. I'm Jack Dempsey.
There's never been anyone like me. I'm from their cloth.
There is no one who can match me. My style is impetuous,
my defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious.
I want his heart! I want to eat his children! Praise be to Allah!"
--- BEAST ---
September 19th, 2009 at 02:03 am
Is that like if Beowulf was on cocaine and steroids and made a speech?
September 19th, 2009 at 02:55 am
Basically... he's suggesting that you have Mike Tyson as a butt buddy so if anyone breaks in, the crazy mofo can go off on the burgler (and then, presumably, rape your ass bloody).
I'll stick with a hand gun, thank you.
September 18th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
you could tie them up and stick their head in the microwave like in last house on the left. i would probably like to torture them first tho. cut off fingers, drill holes in dick with power drill, stab in the eye with screwdriver, douse him in gas and light on fire. careful not to catch your house on fire during the last one.
September 19th, 2009 at 09:11 am
Another important element would be the intimidation factor. During a home invasion, you can't show yourself to the burglar wielding either and trembling like a pussy. Hold the weapon in a scary "I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU UP" pose and just start screaming at the bitch.
September 19th, 2009 at 10:21 am
Foot and hand.
September 19th, 2009 at 04:33 pm
sock full o bent knickles, cause then you can always get yourself a big bag of chips when it rips open and if you put a couple fun size snickers & a hot wheel in it its like a viceral pinata
September 19th, 2009 at 08:34 pm
lmao, "knickles"
September 20th, 2009 at 05:15 am
Mossberg 590 Persuader
It may be less romantic than some of the other choices given, but it's highly effective. Hell, just hearing the slide rack the new shell into the chamber is usually enough to make all but the biggest crackheads flee in terror.
And you have 8 chances to whack someone...
September 20th, 2009 at 11:42 am
how bout a regular baseball bat? you can easily beat someone within an inch of their life, and if need be, you can end them with a swift swing to the cranium.
September 20th, 2009 at 06:02 pm
tarus judge. done.
September 20th, 2009 at 08:30 pm
Idiots. i already ended this shit. Light saber. Done. Guy breaks into your house, he hears that pshhh sound and he's like "yo, is that what i think it is?"
September 20th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
1. Let them walk into the booby traps I have set (you are not paranoid if people are really out to get you).
2. Nerd attack, using my suped up pocket laser pointer, I can blind them, trip with with a spare USB cable into my collect of Lord of the Rings action figures with real to life pointing sharpened swords and spears. Then when he or she is flailing in pain, a quick nudge out the window means a 10 storey fall or, really if you are a nerd, let your momma finish him for you.
September 21st, 2009 at 08:31 am
Chuck Norris
September 21st, 2009 at 03:16 pm
Sorry, are we comparing a cueball or bat with nails to fictional weapons, like LIGHTSABERS? Okay, then I want Green Lantern's ring. Or Walker, Texas Ranger.
September 21st, 2009 at 07:34 pm
Hand gernade! thats like a garented kill, just make sure to not be in the blast zone.
September 22nd, 2009 at 01:06 am
...and also guaranteed to blow up part of your house, sort of defeating the purpose of protecting it from burglars in the first place.
I'll go with a field hockey stick, as I did when a pack of pikeys broke into our building. Not too unwieldy or heavy but great for dealing almighty blows.
September 22nd, 2009 at 01:49 am
12gauge Shotgun with Flechette rounds. Nothing quite says "fucking die" like 16-22 steel razors flying at 1,500+ FPS in semi-linear path down a hallway.
September 22nd, 2009 at 09:31 pm
Ah, the pleasing sound of a body being shredded by flechettes...
September 24th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
I would attack the bastard with at first a bat then after knocking out some teeth I would move on to a steak knife. See I always wanted to be a surgon and this is a golden oppurtunity handed from God, plus fuck em he was trying to steal my shit. Lastly bring out the rusty, dull spoon and pop out some eyeballs. Yeah I said it.
September 25th, 2009 at 03:31 pm
Spray Axe on him and notify the Cougar next door.
November 14th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Feed him to Oprah's vagina.
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