If there’s one thing we like to do on Halloween more than drink, it’s argue about really important stuff, like what’s scarier: a broken condom when you’re having sex with a prostitute, or choking when you’re home alone. Here’s what it sounds like when we do both at the same time:
Drunken Argument for a Broken Condom With a Prostitute:
This is a tough one because in both cases you’re experiencing pleasure followed by sheer terror, but having your condom break while you’re banging a hooker is much, much worse than choking. If you’re at home alone eating a ham sandwich and you start to choke, the first thing to remember is to do the exact opposite of whatever Mama Cass did. She’s not the example to follow in this situation, but there are a number of steps that you can take to ensure your survival. If your condom breaks while you’re boning a hooker, there are a number of horrible outcomes that could come from that one event. First, you’ll be unbelievably nervous until your AIDS test comes back negative. We’re talking about a crippling terror that consumes your every thought for weeks on end. This is the type of terror that would make you wish you choked every time you took a bite of food. A slow AIDS-related death is just one of the many horrible and terrifying outcomes that could arise from having your condom break while f*cking a hooker. You could make the hooker pregnant, for example. That’s terrifying. Imagine having a hooker and her devil spawn child in your life FOREVER. Imagine having to take an Olan Mills family portrait with you, some bastard kid, and a whore with glitter all over her. Imagine constantly having to buy Menthol Cigarettes and yeast infection cream for her. The terrifying possibilities are endless. Choking on food doesn’t seem so bad, right? Choking will never make your dick look like a supreme pizza. It’ll never make bugs crawl in your pubes, or slowly make you go insane. It won’t make you overdraw your bank account to pay off an angry pimp. I’d rather choke everytime I eat anything forever than experience the fear of having my condom break while I’m banging a hooker.
Drunken Argument for Choking When You’re Home Alone:
Choking on anything is f*cking scary as shit. Especially if the thing that your choking on is a little gummy candy shaped like a dick that you got at the gay parade when you took a girl there because you made a gay joke once that she took offense to, and so you wanted to show her that your sympathetic and open-minded. Sure, you carried the packet of gummy penises around just to show it to people for an easy laugh, never with the intention of eating them. But it’s late, and you just wanted something sweet to snack on, so you busted that pack open, and of course that’s the time when you start choking on a tiny gummy cock. The experience of choking in general is nothing less than completely horrific. Your eyes get all watery, and you go into instant panic mode. Sure, the same thing happens when you discover that your whore condom broke, but in that situation you can quickly turn to assessing the damage and working out a gameplan. When you’re choking, you can’t do anything else until you’ve completely solved the problem, and if you’re home alone that’s going to be really difficult. At least with the broken condom scenario, there’s someone else who could potentially be suffering as well. The whore probably has some horrible disease, but she also has no idea what you might be carrying. You could have Super AIDS for all she knows. There’s two people suffering through a situation together. When you’re choking by yourself, it’s just you in your apartment, stumbling around like a dumbass, doing the universal choking sign for an uncaring audience of zero sympathetic bystanders, except for maybe your dog, who’s totally going to eat your dead body after you die. Your only hope is to just start banging yourself up against a chair or a couch or a table or something, in hopes of dislodging the gummy penis so that your obituary won’t read "found dead alone in his apartment after choking on a penis". If you get a weird STD from the whore as a result of your condom breaking then that would suck, and you’ll have to live with that for the rest of your life. The key word there is LIVE. If you die choking on a gummy penis, then you won’t even have the opportunity to bang a whore again in the future, and that would totally suck. Plus, everyone will think that you’re gay.