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Drunken Argument Friday: What’s Worse, Herpes or a Baby?

If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink, it’s argue about really important stuff, like what’s worse, getting herpes or accidentally fathering a child? Here’s what it sounds like when we do both at the same time:
Drunken Argument that a Kid is Worse:
Inconvenient. Uncomfortable. Embarassing.  Disgusting.  All of these adjectives can apply to both herpes and kids, but the difference is simple: herpes comes back for the rest of your life, but it’s always exactly the same.  A kid, on the other hand, is like a new horrific nightmare every single day.  Herpes will pop up every now and then and be slightly uncomfortable, and you won’t be able to have sex for a while, and then even when you do have sex you’ll feel guilty about spreading disease, but that’s the extent of it.  With a kid, it’s constantly a question of what terrible thing your spawn is going to do next.  Is it going to throw up on you? Shit on you? Is it going to let you sleep tonight? Is it going to punch someone else’s kid and get your ass sued? Is it going to steal your car when it gets older and drive it into a canal? Is it going to turn out to be crazy, and you’ll find out because you’ll discover all of the neighbors’ missing pets buried in your backyard, and then the evil kid will try to kill you?  All of these scenarios are realistic possibilities when you have a kid, and we haven’t even gotten to the kid’s mother yet.  If she was just a desperate drunken decision at a college party, then there’s a good chance you’ll be stuck with that rancid hoebag for the rest of your life.  Herpes comes with some disgusting wounds, pain, and embarassment every now and then.  A kid could potentially super glue you to a fat, useless, disgusting woman and your homocidal spawn for the rest of your natural life.  Also there’s no cure for herpes, so you’ll probably have to pay for some ointment every now and then, but that’s it.  Kids cost millions of dollars to raise, and you have to do it even if you f*cking hate their guts, because it’s illegal to just kill them or drop them in the middle of the woods and leave them to the wolves. I’ll take the herpes anyday.
Drunken Argument that Herpes is Worse:

Having herpes is essentially like having your penis turn into a painful zombie once a month for your entire life.  How could you ever compare them to having a child, where your penis remains blister and ooze free?  Telling a woman, "I have a kid" is so much more easily digested than telling a woman "I have herpes".  There’s a good chance a woman might even think that you having a kid is cute, and it might actally help you in certain situations.  Sometimes kids are chick magnets.  Herpes is almost never a chick magnet.  When you have herpes, you basically limit yourself to only having sex with other people that also have herpes, which means that sex for you is basically jst two people rubbing their painful blisters together.  F*ck that.  Sure, a kid can be a cockblock sometimes, but you can deal with that.  There are things you can do to manage a child.  You can’t give your herpes a juice box and turn on Dora the Explorer for an hour and expect it to go dormant while you get it on with a chick.  Herpes don’t play that.  Herpes is gonna be like, "I’d rather hang out on your penis for a week and look absolutely terrifying."  You can’t reason with herpes.  Herpes won’t love you back like a kid will, either.  Nobody likes herpes, and nobody will ever like herpes, and above all else, there’s no chance that you can ever take the credit if your herpes turned out to be a doctor, or a teacher, or President of the United States.  I’d much rather have the kid than herpes.

37 Responses to "Drunken Argument Friday: What’s Worse, Herpes or a Baby?"

  1. Harry Clark says:

    Ok, Ive had a couple of suck ass cold sores. But they went away in a few days. Ive never had any thing happen to my dick, its works like a champ. I dont even sweat it. Jeff knows whats up. Its not really a big deal. Especially because alot of people have it and you wouldn’t even know.
    Yeah it would suck to get really sick and break out like an old man in a leper colony, but if you stay strong and healthy (I run 2.5 miles a day, jus sayin)your immune system keeps it away. Yeah im not stoked about it, but it really hasn’t been an issue in quite a while.

    Now, having a kid? Wow. Ok, just think of it this way: Your life path is now chosen and you are now obligated to be forever connected to another human being and its mother. All my friends with kids are no fun. They cant do shit. And you know why? cuz they gotta work their asses off FOREVER to pay for the little money pits. Bye bye hopes and dreams of living your life for your self and discovering and exploring the world.
    You most likely will have to pick some shit hole suburb, enroll in schools, shop at walmart, pay for everything, get fat and slow, deal with teenagers, pay for college and die a broke and sad wretch of a human.

    Yeah Ill stick with the herps and fuck my hot little girlfriend in the face tonight.

  2. Loki says:

    both solid arguments but they are useless without the relevant factor of whether or not the dude is married.

    i would argue that a single dude is strictly better off with a child than with herpes. he’s single, which means mom has custody in all likelyhood and he has to pay child support. he gets to choose (if the mom will let him) whether and how often he engages with his child. given the fact that he can hide that he has a kid while he’s out hitting on women, there should be no bearing on whether he gets laid. and if he does get laid and likes the girl, it will be much easier to admit that he has fathered a child than that he gave the girl herpes. and frankly, a lot of ladies would dig the fact that they can play stepmom.
    a single guy with herpes – women don’t want anything to do with that shit. and if he ends up giving a girl the disease and then tries to stay with her cuz he likes her, probly won’t happen.
    so a single guy with kid has a bit of a financial drain, but other than that is free to exercise whatever sexual options he would like with whatever women he would like, while a single dude with herpes gets sores on his junk and either spreads the disease by not telling women he has it so he pretty much plans on never seeing the same girl twice cuz she’ll eventually find out, or just has sex with other women with herpes (which how do you do that anyway like place a craigslist ad or join match.com/herpes or something?)

    a married man with herpes is strictly better off than a married man with a child. his wife knows he has herpes and likely does herself. and in all likelihood he’s not getting laid anyway. so really, who cares if a married dude has herpes. if a married dude has a kid, then not only does it not matter whether or not he has herpes, but now he’s got a financial and temporal parasite to contend with over and above his wife’s love of shoes. (note that this assumes the married dude did not contract herpes after he got married from a partner other than his wife – that would land him into the sub-category of ‘single dude with herpes’ called ‘divorced dude with herpes’).

    So now we can take a look at this issue and then ask the obvious question, which will then lead us to the correct answer re kid vs herpes.

    the question – is it better to be a married man or a single man?
    this question is relatively easily answered.

    in a mathematical sense – we have the variable ‘s’ (% of men who have been single at some time in their life), ‘m’ (% of men choosing to marry at some time in their life), and ‘d’ (% of divorced men). so s = 100%, since all men at one time were single, while less than 100% of single men become married – so for a given percentage of men over their lifespan, m < s, or m < 100%

    furthermore, 50% of married men get divorced, so d = 0.5m.

    lastly, since less than 100% of men men become married and being married is a precondition for divorce, then we have
    m + d < s

    since d is 0.5 m, then we have m + 0.5m < s .
    or 1.5m < s .

    we have therefore shown that being single is more than 1.5 times greater than being married.

    given that being single is greater than being married, and since we diecided that being single with a child is better than being single with herpes, then having a child is better than having herpes, but only because being married sucks.

  3. joemarijuana says:

    I hope no one has gotten herpes from a kid :z

  4. 8080gogo says:

    I found a great dating site___SeekRichBeauty.com____. The best dating club for seeking the rich singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs.. what’s the most important is that you dont have to be a millionaire.but you can meet one. I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy.
    What’s kind of relationship do you want?

  5. ElvisHammer says:

    A herpes free one.

  6. Anonymous says:

    this writer is downright stupid. irresponsibility played a part in both scenarios and he should have the herps infect his face, throat, mouth for downgrading human life. not funny.

  7. log on to earthshare.org and see what you can do says:

    How do you put up with all the women constantly flinging their moistened panties at you?

  8. douche larue says:

    a baby because herpes raise themselves.

  9. jewish guy says:

    herpes is better than a nigger kid any day, herpes wont grow up and rob you

  10. FunnyMonkey says:

    Good Call. I enjoyed your equation :)

  11. A says:

    holy frickin novel, loki. thanks for the graduate school thesis…

  12. going to the bathroom says:

    Try dressing up a herpes to match what your wearing, see how cool that looks!

    And a herpes will never make you laugh.

    Herps suck

  13. Emma Rhoids says:


  14. Hugh Jorgan says:

    i’d rather have a penis that i can use

  15. The man says:

    You only have to deal with herpes a few times a year….a kid is bugging at you every damn day of the week!

  16. Vince Masuka says:

    All i know is 1 in 4 man…. 1 in 4 that cant be that bad

  17. leitch plaza says:

    LMAO, like the average holy taco reader is at risk for either one

  18. IDGAF says:

    For God’s fucking sake — drop whatever you’re doing and GO … GET … FUCKED.

  19. El Moose's Translator says:

    What I think El Moose is trying to say is:

    1) Herpes is dewfinaelety worse.
    2) Herpes stick wiht u. Apparently the solution to this is to get an abortion, or to run away [and] be what is known as a rucking man.
    3) Herpes is definately wrose. Mr. Moose also wishes you to know at this point that he is the man.

  20. El Moose says:

    ok first of all u faggots, herpes is dewfinaelety worse, second of all herpees stick wiht u, either get an abortion or run away adn be the rucking man, and third of all herpes is definately wrose, im the man.

  21. Shad says:

    I agree with you about El Moose. I don’t think anyone could have said it better (obviously, including Mr. Moose himself)

  22. Al-P says:

    You fucking retarded bro? use correct grammar for one reason: so people can decipher your senseless babbling. apologies if you’re just a baby with herpes.

  23. Anita Lay says:

    What’s worse is that I couldnt understand either of you

  24. respells mcgovern says:

    that “dewfinaelety” sounds “wrose” than being the “rucking man”

  25. ThunderCunt says:

    Since when is running away or geting an abortion being a man?
    Running away or paying your way out of problems……..Sounds like a pussy to me…..Or a guido…..But then again, what’s the difference?

  26. Takashi Akashi Takahashi says:

    Abortions? Taking off on a family? Okay you illiterate popinjay, first things first, non of your proposed solutions is being manly. Despite what you may have read in what ever picture books you may have picked up in the “humor” section of a book store (Correction: What you’ve heard in jokes or on the television, you’re far to dumb to be found in a book store.), being manly is not conceding your problems, you have to face them. Being a man is being a gentleman. Sure, we as men our way of doing things, and our thought process (Read: Sociology, Psychology, Women’s Studies [aka Feminist theory]), but for any moment have you even thought of others in your proposed solutions? Women don’t always want abortions, you know this, we all know this. So then, what, you run away? What about the child? What about the family? You’ve just left them in a social standing that they have to try very hard to get out of. Further so, you’re still bound by the law to pay for the damned thing. Yes, it’s true you might be trying to be funny, but if that is the case try at last to be sarcastic like this article. Stop being a pussy in grow a pair you ignorant piece of shit. I swear, there is an epidemic of hebetude spreading in the web.

    Also, having herpes is a lot worse.

  27. hialeah northern says:


  28. Dead Dude says:

    Herpes sucks.

  29. unlucky says:

    I’ll tell you what sucks..
    when you have both..
    herpes and a kid

  30. Big Ty says:

    Herpes would be worse!

  31. Or... says:

    What about a kid with herpes, What then? Do you go on Maury first, Montel?

  32. moop says:

    wtf? your non chalant attitude about spreading herpes is messed up. just a joke right?

  33. poopants says:

    considering that every single thing on this site is a joke, i’d hazard a guess that it is indeed a joke.

  34. Philosopher's Mom says:

    A kid is worse. MUCH worse. Like 900 billion times worse. What I wouldn’t give for a scorching case of herpes.

  35. Jeff says:

    If you have a healthy immune system and you get herpes, you won’t even come close to having an outbreak once a month. Maybe once a year.

    The kid is some terrible shit you’re stuck with 24/7 for the rest of your life. And the worst part is, you’ll love the little fucker and you are legitimately a scumbag if for some reason you don’t. But you probably will because it’s like that. You’ll love it and it’ll suck so bad that just to keep from killing yourself you’ll have to block out the days of living footloose and fancy-free, unencumbered by the arduous task of raising a child. The more you think of that, the more you realize your situation.

    If you WANT a kid, I’m sure it’s awesome. But if you truly want to LIVE, take herpes over a kid.

    Especially with the pills and shit they have now. Between taking care of yourself in terms of diet and exercise, along with some Valtrex or whatever, pshh, you’ll be cool. Shit won’t even hit much after the first year.

    Just wear a rubber and don’t tell anyone you’re hip to the herp. A Anyway, chances are the bitch got it too and you know there ain’t no way she’d say shit to you if she did.

  36. the original LASERS says:

    that is a strong arguement for herpes over the kid. i’d have to go for herpes after hearing that. i’m guessing that was written by a bitter staff member who wishes now that they had worn a condom.