If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink, it’s argue about really important stuff, like what’s worse, getting herpes or accidentally fathering a child? Here’s what it sounds like when we do both at the same time:
Drunken Argument that a Kid is Worse:
Inconvenient. Uncomfortable. Embarassing. Disgusting. All of these adjectives can apply to both herpes and kids, but the difference is simple: herpes comes back for the rest of your life, but it’s always exactly the same. A kid, on the other hand, is like a new horrific nightmare every single day. Herpes will pop up every now and then and be slightly uncomfortable, and you won’t be able to have sex for a while, and then even when you do have sex you’ll feel guilty about spreading disease, but that’s the extent of it. With a kid, it’s constantly a question of what terrible thing your spawn is going to do next. Is it going to throw up on you? Shit on you? Is it going to let you sleep tonight? Is it going to punch someone else’s kid and get your ass sued? Is it going to steal your car when it gets older and drive it into a canal? Is it going to turn out to be crazy, and you’ll find out because you’ll discover all of the neighbors’ missing pets buried in your backyard, and then the evil kid will try to kill you? All of these scenarios are realistic possibilities when you have a kid, and we haven’t even gotten to the kid’s mother yet. If she was just a desperate drunken decision at a college party, then there’s a good chance you’ll be stuck with that rancid hoebag for the rest of your life. Herpes comes with some disgusting wounds, pain, and embarassment every now and then. A kid could potentially super glue you to a fat, useless, disgusting woman and your homocidal spawn for the rest of your natural life. Also there’s no cure for herpes, so you’ll probably have to pay for some ointment every now and then, but that’s it. Kids cost millions of dollars to raise, and you have to do it even if you f*cking hate their guts, because it’s illegal to just kill them or drop them in the middle of the woods and leave them to the wolves. I’ll take the herpes anyday.
Drunken Argument that Herpes is Worse:
Having herpes is essentially like having your penis turn into a painful zombie once a month for your entire life. How could you ever compare them to having a child, where your penis remains blister and ooze free? Telling a woman, "I have a kid" is so much more easily digested than telling a woman "I have herpes". There’s a good chance a woman might even think that you having a kid is cute, and it might actally help you in certain situations. Sometimes kids are chick magnets. Herpes is almost never a chick magnet. When you have herpes, you basically limit yourself to only having sex with other people that also have herpes, which means that sex for you is basically jst two people rubbing their painful blisters together. F*ck that. Sure, a kid can be a cockblock sometimes, but you can deal with that. There are things you can do to manage a child. You can’t give your herpes a juice box and turn on Dora the Explorer for an hour and expect it to go dormant while you get it on with a chick. Herpes don’t play that. Herpes is gonna be like, "I’d rather hang out on your penis for a week and look absolutely terrifying." You can’t reason with herpes. Herpes won’t love you back like a kid will, either. Nobody likes herpes, and nobody will ever like herpes, and above all else, there’s no chance that you can ever take the credit if your herpes turned out to be a doctor, or a teacher, or President of the United States. I’d much rather have the kid than herpes.