If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink
, it’s argue
about really important things, like which TV character has the suckiest life? Here’s what it looks like when we do both at the same time:
Drunken Argument that Jack Tripper has the Suckiest Life:
No TV character has a shittier life than Jack Tripper from Three’s Company. First off, the dude is f*cking spastic and out of control all the time. He’s constantly jittery and jumpy and energetic, and being like that all the time would be very f*cking annoying. That alone is enough reason to blow yourself away. On top of that, Jack lives with two hot chicks who he desperately wants to bone, but neither of them would sleep with him if their lives depended on it. Chrissy doesn’t even take his overt sexual advances seriously. He can say the dirtiest f*cking thing to her and she’ll just laugh it off and say something like, "Oh, Jack. You’re so crazy!", partially because she’s dumb as shit, and partially because she’s not even remotely sexually interested in him at all. It sucks being around a chick like that for two minutes, let alone your entire life, day in and day out, forever. But that’s not even Jack Tripper’s biggest concern. Jack also has to constantly convince his landlord, who for some reason hates co-ed living situations, that he’s a flaming homosexual so that he’ll be allowed to live with two women. And we’re not talking about pretending to be just a normal, average gay dude. We’re talking about pretending to be a flaming, flamboyant, SUPER gay dude who hits on any and all males in his presence, including the old, crotchety landlord who he’s bamboozling. Imagine being an uncontrollably energetic straight dude who desperately wants to bone a chick who thinks of you like a brother, and then also having to flirt with your dusty-balled, grumpy, 70-year old landlord who’s either Don Knotts or Norman Fell, and therefore probably smells like Vicks and Rolaids all the time. It’s no wonder that Jack’s entire life is comprised of crudely veiled sexual innuendos and leaping over furniture in a comical fashion. Sure, he’s got a decent apartment and he has get-togethers all the time, but Jack Tripper is living in a horrible, sexless, constantly blueballed nightmare world. Pretending to be gay sucks balls. Having to do that and also lust after a super-hot babe that won’t f*ck you? That’s a really f*ckin’ shitty-ass life.
Drunken Argument that Carl from ATHF has the Suckiest Life:
It’s true that Jack Tripper’s situation sucks, and if anyone knows how hard pretending to be gay all the time is, it’s definitely you. But being Jack Tripper isn’t half as bad as being Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. For starters, Carl lives in New Jersey. Take a steaming shit on a sidewalk and stick some fake Easter grass on it and you’ve basically got New Jersey as seen from space. I’m not saying that all of New Jersey is shit, but neither is my shit, if I’ve eaten a lot of corn or something. There is, however, enough shit mixed in with the corn for it to be classified as shit, and such is the case with New Jersey. Secondly, Carl lives in what most people would consider a condemned building. He has a bedroom that rats wouldn’t enter without wearing shoes. He sleeps on a dirty matress and wears dirty sweat pants pretty much all the time. He has no social skills, he’s fat, poor, unemployed, and probably spends most of his day commenting on Holy Taco posts and masturbating. The only thing he has going for him is his sick above-ground pool, but that’s usually filled with ram’s blood or urine, thanks to his anthropomorphic fast food neighbors who usually end up turning him into a miniature horse or a melting clown. Bottom line: I’d rather be Jack Tripper for the rest of my life than spend one second as Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force.