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Drunken Argument Friday: Who Will Win the 2010 Douchebag Tournament?

If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink, it’s argue about really stupid things, like who’s going to win the 2010 Douchebag Tournament. Here’s what it looks like when we do both at the same time:
Drunken Argument that Jay Leno is Going to Win:
Everybody who’s under the age of 60 hates Jay Leno, because as far as they can tell he totally f*cked over their best TV friend, the clown-prince of late night television, Conan O’Brien. In reality, Jeff Zucker had more to do with f*cking Conan over than Jay Leno did, and there’s a good chance that Leno and Zucker could face off against eachother in the Sweet 16 match-ups over the weekend. Leno is the huge, chinny face of the whole ordeal, though, and while Jeff Zucker is definitely a worthless prick, Leno is a worthless prick who’s on television every night. That makes a huge difference in people’s public perception of the Conan ordeal.  Aside from that, nobody really knows who Jeff Zucker is as a person, whereas with Jay Leno, we’ve had about 20 years to realize that we all hate him, because his squeeky voice and terrible sense of humor has invaded our homes on a nightly basis. He haunts our dreams, like that punk rock girl you hooked up with in college that you suspect may have had an STD, even though you can’t quite prove it and you’ve never had any noticable breakouts or burning sensations. Leno’s got some competition to get through if he’s going to take the whole tournament.  He’ll probably have to go up against either Kanye or Lady Gaga to take the Entertainment Division, and that will be quite a contest. Outside of his division, Tiger Woods and Sarah Palin are eagerly chomping at the bit, too. It’ll be interesting to see how the tourny unfolds, but I think Leno’s got a good chance of taking it all.
Drunken Argument that Tiger Woods Is Going to Win:

Tiger is going to win this tournament, because Tiger’s a winner, and that’s what winners do. Let’s look at it this way: Tiger doesn’t do anything half-assed. When he decided to play golf, he played his ass off and became the greatest golfer ever to play the game.  When Tiger decided to get married, he rocked that and married a hot-ass Swedish model.  And when he decided to cheat on his wife, he went f*cking balls-ot and cheated as hard as he f*cking could, becoming the greatest cheater in the history of cheaters.  That’s why I’m confident that he’ll find a way to win this tournament. He’s not going to let anyone out-douche him, especially Jay Leno.  That guy’s a loser. Yes, he’s a douche, but he’s also a f*ck up, so he’ll find a way to lose a tournament, even one whose winner is actually a loser. Let’s take a closer look at why Tiger is a bigger douche than Leno: Jay Leno is one of those guys who gradually started to become a douche in the early ’80s, and really cranked it up recently. It’s kind of expected of him at this point. Tiger, on the other hand, came out of nowhere. He exploded onto the douchebag scene with facepalm-worthy douchiness. Texts, phone calls, accusations, public embarrassment, an epic fall from grace, disappointed fans, and lousy apologies rocketed him to the forefront of the douchebag scene.  Plus, he’s a black dude, and they usually win at everything. History can prove that. Tiger’s gonna double-bogie the shit out of this Douchebag Tournament.

11 Responses to "Drunken Argument Friday: Who Will Win the 2010 Douchebag Tournament?"

  1. Bruce Willis says:

    this argument fucking sucks, because tiger is already out of the tournament.

  2. awesome-o says:

    at any point in this argument would these two “people” realize how douchy and/or lame it is to argue about a douchebag tournament?

  3. dadofdavelovesbacon says:

    yep had to come out of the closet one day son and btw jay leno should win that fucking piece of shit sucks as much dick as i do on a saturday night

  4. Sara says:

    And he is wearing eye liner for g*ds sake, as if those beady little eyes in that hugh face of his aren’t ugly enough. However, I still say that the cast of jersey shore is the biggest collection of douches and douchettes EVER!

  5. HATER says:

    he’s a black dude, and they usually win at everything. History can prove that.
    I find this Inaccurate~~ i think it should be whites they win everything…..

  6. Jack says:

    Neither. If there’s any justice in the world, Perez Hilton will win.

  7. That One Guy says:

    Out of these two, Tiger FTW.

    Jay Leno had almost nothing to do with what happened to Conan, that was all Zucker, hell would anyone turn down the pay that goes with the Tonight Show?

    I don’t think any of these two will win though, I just don’t think they’re douchy enough.

  8. MyFightWiffaCheeto says:

    Tiger barely beat 16th seeded floyd mayweather jr.

  9. nerd says:

    CoCo FTW

  10. I says:

    F*ck your misplaced censorship, Holy Taco.

  11. DaveLovesBacon says:


    Gawd I feel so gay but I had to do it.

    Now I must add the obligatory “The person posting below me is a penis licking ass-hat.”