If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink, it’s argue about really important stuff, like what’s the crappiest thing you could get in your trick-or-treat bag on Halloween: Pennies, or Jesus Pamphlets? Here’s what it sounds like when we do both at the same time:
Drunken Argument that Pennies Are the Worst:
Pennies are not just the worst thing to get when you go trick-or-treating, They’re the worst thing to have in your car, on your desk, and even in your pocket. This is because pennies are absolutely f*cking worthless. You can’t buy anything for a penny. Some people might say, "oh, but pennies are like zombies: one or two of them are insignificant, but if you save up until you have hundreds or thousands, then they’re a force to be reckoned with!" To those people I say, "Bullshit". I saved every penny that I ever came into contact with for the first 12 years of my life, and when I finally rolled all those pennies up and took them to the bank, I got about $7 from it. According to that math, saving pennies for your entire life will pay about 6.25 cents per day. That’s less than sweatshop wages. Anyway, the people who give pennies to trick-or-treaters are assholes. They’re always people who are so ancient and decrepid that they say shit like, "I remember when you could go down to the soda shop and get a rootbeer float for 2 cents, and then you could stop by the onion stand on your way home and buy a whole bushel of delicious onions for a nickel!" In their mind, they’re dropping seven rootbeer floats in your candy bag, but all you’re really getting is a handful of worthless copper shit that will eventually break your vacuum cleaner. Apparently those people haven’t purchased anything for the past 60 years. If they had, they’d realize that there’s no f*cking reason to ever keep pennies for anything, and you should never take any treat from a person who’s that out of touch with reality. In conclusion, pennies f*cking suck. Abe Lincoln is already on the five dollar bill, so it won’t be doing him any sort of disservice if we just get rid of them once and for all.
Drunken Argument that Jesus Pamphlets Are the Worst:
I would much rather be given a penny than a religious pamphlet while trick-or-treating. At least a penny is worth something. That one single penny could buy you a gumball in a really old gumball machine. Collect enough pennies and it can add up to a dollar, which could buy you a tasty cheeseburger. A few pennies could mean the difference between you being able to buy something nice and not being able to afford it at all. You could do something nice with that penny and give it to a homeless guy. They sit around all day collecting change, so they’ve got to know how to handle pennies. At least when you’re given a penny and you don’t like it, you can always throw it back at the person who gave it to you, and it will probably sting a little bit. A religious pamphlet is more worthless than the paper it’s printed on. Nothing is worse than someone pushing their beliefs on you, especially when you are expecting candy. That’s like expecting a blowjob from your girlfriend, but instead she cuts your dick off and throws it into a field on the side of the highway. The people who give out religious pamphlets don’t understand why their house gets egged every year. It’s because kids go door-to-door dressed in costumes and collecting candy because they like candy. It’s not because they give a shit about your personal beliefs. At least when I’m given a penny, I know that the person giving it to me is just a shitty gift-giver, not some religious nut pushing a fairy tale on me. The only good that comes from getting a religious pamphlet is that you don’t have to worry about which houses to vandalize later. The decision is made for you. Worst trick-or-treat prize ever is definitely the religious pamphlet, hands down.
What Do You Think Is Worse: Pennies, or Religious Pamphlets?