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Drunken Argument Friday: Would You Rather Fight a Dozen Elves, or One Reindeer?

 
If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink, it’s argue about really important stuff, like if you’d rather fight a dozen elves or one angry reindeer. Here’s what it sounds like when we do both at the same time:

Drunken Argument for Fighting the Elves:
 
I’d definitely rather fight a dozen elves than fight a reindeer for the simple fact that there’s a chance I might be able to reason with the elves.  No amount of reasoning is going to stop the vicious attacks by a pissed off reindeer.  I once saw a deer stand on its hind-legs and kick the shit out of this guy’s face in the woods, horribly disfiguring the man for life.  He begged for mercy, but the calloused deer just kept pummeling him with muddy hooves until the man’s futile cries for help were just bloody gurgles.  I stopped jerking off in the woods after that, but can you imagine if that had been a reindeer?  Reindeer are twice the size of a regular deer, and they have the face of a horse. Plus, they’re wild animals.  There’s a reason why we place the word "wild" in front of non-domesticated animals, and it’s because they are f*cking wild as hell. An elf is basically just a midget, and you don’t ever hear anyone say, "Hey, man. Be careful out there.  We heard there’s some wild midgets running around the area.  You might want to take a gun just to be safe!" NO! No one says that because, like me, those people have read the wikipedia page on midgets, and they know that you can reason with them by isolating the "alpha midget" and offering him some candy or a gigantic, oversized lollipop.  If you’re having trouble "breaking the "alpha elf",  you can probably back yourself into a corner or spin around like a windmill while punching, and you’d ought to be able to take care of most of the dozen elves with only one or two punches.  Remember: they have stumpy little arms, which means you have the reach advantage.  And let’s not forget the fun you can have by extending your arm to palm an elf’s giant head while he swings wild, exaggerated punches at you with his stumpy little arms.  Fighting midgets is definitely easier, hands down.
 
Drunken Argument for Fighting the Reindeer:
 

The most important thing to remember when you’re deciding to fight one reindeer is that it’s ONE reindeer.  If you’re fighting a dozen elves, you’ve got to worry about a 24 eyes watching your every move, 24 tiny, pudgy hands groping and punching at you, and 24 little stumpy legs scurrying around and kicking you.  With a reindeer, even if it’s angry, it only has one pair of eyes, two huge antlers, and four very powerful legs.  The odds are in your favor.  Also, there are some Inuit tribes who have tamed reindeer, and they ride them around like horses.  This suggests that you can reason with a reindeer to some extent.  To my knowledge, no real person has ever domesticated a dozen elves (Santa Claus is fake, remember?).  Plus, elves are really handy with tools, and there’s a good chance that they’re going to have a wide assortment of various hammers, drills, and saws that they’ll be able to wield as weapons.  A reindeer only has antlers and hooves as weapons.  If you can keep your distance, then you’ve got nothing to worry about.  Fighting a dozen elves is like fighting 12 pretty smart kids in silly hats, which is both terrifying and difficult.  Fighting a reindeer would be easy: just jump on it’s back, hold on to its enormous antlers, and punch it in the eyes until it’s blind.  After that, all you have to do is be very quiet, stay down wind, and wait for the perfect opportunity to rip out its throat and stand over it triumphantly as it bleeds to death and makes gross, gurgly reindeer pleas for mercy.

What Do You Think: Would You Rather Fight a Dozen Elves or One Angry Reinder?
 

23 Responses to "Drunken Argument Friday: Would You Rather Fight a Dozen Elves, or One Reindeer?"

  1. ixpo says:

    Check this http://www.elvesfight.com. I killed 31 of those little b#st%rds

  2. P says:

    drunken fuckin argument..finally

  3. Taylor says:

    im 6’8″ so im going with the midgets i could kick 4 of them in the head at once no problem.

  4. Roger Doger says:

    Wow you pussys you changed it from Stupid Argument Friday to something else??? why did you do that??? way to cave in…. jesus have some balls….

  5. Lloyd Christmas says:

    Just when i think you cant do anything worse you go and change the title back to Drunken Argument Fridays………..AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELVES

  6. Ween says:

    Yes! Drunken Elf fights!

  7. ultragay says:

    I rather fight the elves because I usually carry a bag of bricks with me. Besides, midgets are fucking adornable! Everytime I see one, I want to give it a big ‘ol hug!

  8. BallSackMan says:

    BallSackMan approves of your decision. *nods*

  9. I'm not drunk, I'm Stupid says:

    What the Hell! why did you change it to Drunken Arguement. as a recovering alcoholic, I find it horribly offensive. you just go ahead and let your advertisers that I will not be using any of their goods or services. while it is true that being drunk does bring about some very assinine arguements, most people are only drunk 30% of the time, while stupid people are stupid 100% of the time, even when drunk. Way to lose touch with your average reader.

    Also, before deciding who you fight, you have to take into account that should you lose either fight, you WILL get raped. It’s unavoidable. so the question should be do you want to get your anus violated by twelve tiny schlongs, or do you want your colon to be destroyed by one monsterous horse like cock.

  10. I'm not stupid, I'm Drunk says:

    How about you shut the fuck up and enjoy the post? Ever since the name changed back, the argument has been better, and will continue to be better.

    By the way, I’d fight the elves. I could reason with them to be on my side, and could even beat the shit out of a reindeer with my army. Drunken all the way bitches!

  11. I'm not stupid, I'm a woman says:

    epic win.

  12. Name of the day says:

    Epic name “I’m not stupid, I’m a woman” Totally LOL’d

  13. nerd says:

    Elves all the way. Fighting them would be more fun than scary. How many times have you wanted to punch a child, but you couldn’t because it wasn’t socially acceptable? I would probably pay someone to let me fight a dozen of those little bastards. I probably couldn’t even catch the reindeer, and that fucker would probably manage to give me lyme disease in the process.

  14. Sandwhich says:

    FUCK YEAH!

    I knew you loved us, despite the constant hating.

  15. Sandwhich says:

    “We heard there’s some wild midgets running around the area. You might want to take a gun just to be safe!” Hahaha.

    I’d rather fight the elves, reindeer are crazy vicious fuckers.

  16. asdasdasd says:

    finally. drunken.

  17. Claynoidial says:

    OMGGGGG YEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH WERE DRUUUNNNKKK AGEEEEEEEEEEEEENN BOOIISSSSSSSS WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

    Id fight the deer, ah fuck

  18. Stick says:

    Holy Taco, I’d congratulate you on bringing back Drunken Argument, but I wouldn’t have to if you weren’t taking it up the ass from advertisers in the first place.

  19. BillyBlaze says:

    There wouldn’t be a Holy Taco without advertisers.

  20. JacktheStripper says:

    12 elves, hands down. Reach advantage, even if they do have weapons.

  21. Steve says:

    YAAAAY, Drunken argument fridays R back.
    Right on!!

  22. il_smartass says:

    It’s called drunken arguement fridays again. FuCK YES!

  23. Captain Contentious says:

    WTF happened to Stupid Argument Friday? This is an outrage!