If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink, it’s argue about really important stuff like if we would rather fight the Foot Clan from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or the Cobra Kai Dojo from Karate Kid. Here’s what it sounds like when we do both at the same time:
Drunken Argument for Fighting the Foot Clan:
Choosing to fight the Foot Clan rather than the Cobra Kai Dojo is like deciding to have sex with a street corner hooker rather than your bitchy girlfriend: with the exception of a few moans and groans from time to time, they’d stay relatively silent, rather than hurling insults at you while you’re trying your best to finish them off. It’s pretty much a guarantee that you’ll never hear one of the Foot Clan ninjas taunt you by yelling for his buddy to "put him in a bodybag", and the lack of childish insults is going to make it easier for you to land that single punch or kick that it takes to bring one of the Foot Clan dudes down. Also, the Foot Clan soldiers treat fighting like they’re waiting their turn at a gang bang: they come at you one at a time, and when one finishes, the other one steps in to replace him, while the rest just kind of stand around with their dicks in their hand. It’s ridiculous to think that you could actually take on an entire ninja clan or a karate dojo, and with an endless army of fresh Foot Clan dudes coming at you one at a time, you’ll probably get pretty worn down and eventually lose. I don’t know what happens when the Foot Clan wins a fight, because nobody has ever seen it happen, but I’m pretty sure that they won’t steal your girlfriend and kick sand in your face while they ride away on dirtbikes. In this no win situation, I’d choose to fight the Foot Clan.
Drunken Argument for Fighting the Cobra Kai Dojo:
The question here is a pretty simple one: would you rather fight an army of ninjas, or five adolescent karate students? It’s a no-brainer: I’d much rather be fighting the Cobra Kai Dojo. The first thing the Foot Clan is going to do is pull out a bunch of swords and nunchucks and shit, and I’m not gonna have a f*cking clue as to how to handle that. With Cobra Kai, the scariest thing that can happen is that they’ll show up to the fight dressed as skeletons. One potential downside to fighting the Cobra Kai is that there will be a lot of trash talking and high-pitched "80′s bad guy sidekick" laughing, but I see that as an advantage: they’re not very smart dudes, and they would probably be easily distracted by some fancy wordplay. Also, there’s a 50% chance that I would be fighting Cobra Kai during a sanctioned karate tournament, and while they’re going to try to pull some dirty tricks (like breaking my knee), they’re not going to be able to get away with too much. Ultimately, though, it comes down to the aftermath of the fight. If the Cobra Kai Dojo manages to beat me up, they’re going to talk a lot of shit, and become even bigger assholes than they were before, but that’s pretty much the extent of it. If I get beat up by the Foot Clan, they’re going to steal all of my appliances and electronics. Cobra Kai = Beat Up. Foot Clan = Beat Up and Robbed. I’d take the Cobra Kai Dojo any day.
What Do You Think: Would You Rather Fight the Foot Clan, or Cobra Kai?