If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink
, it’s argue
about really important things, like where is it better to shit: at home, or in a public restroom? Here’s what it looks like when we do both at the same time:
Drunken Argument That Your Home Bathroom is Better:
Shitting in your own bathroom is way better than shitting in public. There’s a medical condition called Parauresis, which is a psychological condition that manifests as an inability to get your shit on in public bathrooms. That’s because human beings are psychologically preconditioned to shitting in clean, safe, comfortable environments. This probably goes back to an ancient time in human evolution when people realized that shitting in front of a bunch of other people was awkward. Also, while your home bathroom may not be particularly clean, at least you have a better idea of what’s gone on in there. There are only two people who use your bathroom at home: you, and your landlord shortly after he masturbates in your underwear drawer while you’re at work. This makes your home bathroom about 1 million times cleaner than even the classiest public restroom. You always know how much toilet paper you have left in your own bathroom, and which towel you should use if your TP supply is compromised. In other words: your home bathroom is a strictly controlled environment. You have no idea what goes on in public restrooms. Someone could’ve expelled a dead fetus in the toilet right before you came in and you’d have no idea (unless a teenaged girl with a bloody vagina runs out crying as you’re going in). Anything can happen in a public restroom, and you can sit down in a puddle of it only a few moments later. That’s why a lot of people refuse to shit in public restrooms. They’d literally rather shit their pants than go into a public restroom, and after that dead fetus imagery above, I don’t blame them one bit.
Drunken Argument That A Public Bathroom is Better:
Home bathrooms are the worst. Why would I want to take a shit in the same room I shower and brush my teeth in? Why don’t I just take a shit on my toothbrush and make some shit soap to save myself the trouble? With a public bathroom, I never have that conflict. Plus, no matter how big of a mess I make, I’m never the one who has to clean it up. I’m free to make the walls look like Spirograph spin art if I want to, because once I’m out of that stall I’m free of any connection to that shitsterpiece. In fact, that bring up another positive side of public bathrooms: anonymity. When you’re at home and you cook up a deuce storm (which I call a shitphoon), everyone knows exactly who’s to blame for it. There’s no avoiding that disappointed stare you get from your girlfriend right after you exit the bathroom and she catches a waft of what you’ve just done. With a public bathroom, that guilt and ridicule is washed away immediately, because not only are you a complete stranger to everyone you encounter in there, but it’s also way too awkward for them to ever say anything to you about it. Finally, the public bathroom offers one extra bonus that your home bathroom can never provide: the potential for glory holes. For obvious reasons, glory holes are impossible at home (no stall, and you’re most likely related to the person you share it with). The important thing to remember with a glory hole is that it’s not gay if you can’t see that it’s a dude on the other side. Public bathrooms win this argument by a landslide (which I refer to as a shitslide).