If there’s one thing we like to do more than drink, it’s argue about really important stuff like "Bone N’ Battle" scenarios. A Bone N’ Battle is when you engage in sexual intercourse with something, and then immediately afterward, you fight it to the death. This week, we got into an argument about what would be worse: a Bone N’ Battle with a Grizzly Bear, or with Rosie O’Donnell.
Drunken Argument for the Grizzly Bear:
Having sex with a Grizzly Bear would be pretty terrible, but at least you have a psychological expectation that the bear will be really huge and really furry. With Rosie, on the other hand, it doesn’t matter how much you prepare for it: the fatness and hairiness if her naked body is still going to horrify you. Also, it would be a lot easier to kill Rosie O’Donnell afterwards. Fighting a Grizzly Bear would prove incredibly difficult, and that’s good because it will really help you to get your mind off of the fact that you just f*cked a bear. Don’t worry about dying, either; eventually, you’ll be able to kill that bear. Just stay out of reach until the bear gets tired. Then, while it’s napping, you can fashion some sort of weapon from the elements in your environment and kill the shit out of it. When you get home that night and your roomates are asking you what you did all day, you’ll say, "Oh, I f*cked a Grizzly Bear, and then I fought and killed it," and your roomates will be like "What?!! You killed a Grizzly Bear?! How the hell did you do that?! That’s amazing! Tell me more about that fascinating experience!", whereas if you came home and said, "Oh, today I f*cked Rosie O’Donnell and then I fought and killed her," everyone would be like, "What?! You f*cked Rosie O’Donnell?!! Oh my god, dude. You gotta move out. NOW! Get the f*ck out of here, you Rosie-f*cking sicko!" Bottom line: f*cking Rosie O’Donnell will make people hate you, no matter what.
Drunken Argument for Rosie O’Donnell:
Obviously, I’d be doing mankind a great service by sacrificing my penis for an opportunity to fight and kill Rosie O’Donnell. Yes, I realize I would have to have sex with her, but it’s almost a fair trade, because I’d be looked upon as a hero. Also, Rosie may have a human vagina. Of course, this has not been confirmed, but I do know for a fact that a bear definitely does not have a human vagina, and f*cking a non-human vagina is weird. I could maybe, maybe explain my way out of why I f*cked Rosie O’Donnell. For example: "I was drunk, she paid me, and I got to kill her afterwards." No one is going to care why the hell I f*cked a bear, then killed it. They’re just going to assume that I held it down somehow, or tranquilized it in order to bone it, and that’s just cruel, and chicks hate cruelty to animals. Rosie would also be easier to deal with, because she has dull, ground-down teeth. Knowing that she’d likely try to bite me while I was f*cking her, I’d just wear layers of clothing to protect myself. A Grizzly Bear, on the other hand, would tear me to shreds immediately upon insertion, no matter how many layers I was wearing. Plus, it would take me so long to finish that Rosie’s fat, lazy, out-of-shape ass would be far to tired to put up any sort of a fight. I would kill her easily, come back home, and be touted as a hero. Meanwhile, you’d still be in the woods f*cking an innocent bear.