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A Public Apology From A Drunk Swedish Elk

Believe it or not, it’s fairly common for Elk to get drunk by eating fermented apples. So this story isn’t uncommon, but up until now, we’ve never heard the other side of it. This past Tuesday, in western Sweden, one of these drunken elk was rescued from the apple tree it got itself stuck in. I can feel you judging. Stop judging. We’ve all been there before. Fermented apples trees are the sports bars and hook-up joints of the elk world. When you’re not feeling right, when you’re feeling alone and upset about the end of summer, you probably have a night or twelve where you have one too many drinks. I’m sure you’ve done worse things while drunk than getting your head stuck in a tree. And later, when you sobered up and were confronted about it, the circumstances that lead to your predicament probably justified it. So, let’s try and be a little understanding and hear what the elk who got his head stuck in a tree has to say for himself…

“Wow. Where do I begin? Ok. Well, first of all, thanks for taking the time to hear me out. I’m honestly quite embarrassed. My pride is hurting almost as bad as my neck right now. [laughs] I would secondly like to apologize for the trouble I put rescue workers and the property owners through. I know your efforts probably cost you a lot of time and money. Money which I cannot give back because I’m an elk, and we don’t have a form of currency. Except, I guess, our antlers? But you can’t have those until I’m dead. Please. Put your guns down. I’m not in season. [laughs]

Tuesday night was the result of me traveling down the wrong road for a little too long. The early part of this rutting season just didn’t go how I’d wanted it to, I was constantly being one-upped by some of the larger males in my herd and the particular female I’d been chasing just didn’t seem interested in me, no matter how loud I was, or how much I smelled like my own piss. My frustration got the better of me and I spent every night of the last few weeks going from apple tree to apple tree, eating fermented apples. You just don’t realize how time slips away from you when you’re doing that. Before I knew it, the other bulls in my herd found mates and I was left alone. The loneliness led to more fermented apples, which lead to more loneliness, then more apples.

So, I guess, me getting my head stuck in a tree and passing out was my rock bottom. Yes. I have a problem. I realize that now. I’ve been clean and sober for over two days and I’m feeling great. I’m back with my herd and ready to jump back into the game. I have friends and a few potential mates that are really supporting me and I plan on being a father come spring. Just taking it one day at a time.

Thank you.”

 

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