Recently, the good people at the Columbia River Knife and Tool Company sent me their Eat n’ Tool, an all purpose camping gadget that may one day save your life if you’re lost in the wilderness without a fork or a spoon and have to square off against a herd of Sasquatch or Mountain Men. Or maybe it won’t save your life, but if you’re more interested in packing beer than your silverware drawer it’s a handy tool to have supposing you have a need for a fork, a spoon, a bottle opener, a screw driver, some tiny wrenches and a carabiner clip.
Because I am an adult, I almost always know how to use a fork properly, and very rarely do I stab myself in the face. The same goes for spoons. So what can I do with this tool? The answer was obvious; use the hell out of it. It’s for eating and tooling and no one knows more about eating or being a tool than me.
Hot Pockets – In the world of food, few things are more impenetrable than the outer armor of a poorly cooked Hot Pocket. Yes, the box has instructions, but two things stand in the way of creating microwave perfection – 1, no one reads the directions more than once, so the second time you make a Hot Pocket, you just wing it and 2, microwaves are to reliable cooking tools what hobos are to sober employees. I’m not sure if the science hasn’t been perfected yet, if my microwave is placed in some energy vortex or if there is a moody A.I. in back that decides whether or not to defrost my burritos fully. It doesn’t matter.
The edge of a microwaved Hot Pocket is a lot like a wall, in that it is solid and load bearing. Can the Eat n Tool overcome such a terrible foe? I went for a Ham and Cheese Hot Pocket and microwaved it for about as long as I assumed would be necessary – 3 minutes.
Salty, sticky pork? That’s my porn name!
The Eat n Tool was able to stab the centre of the Hot Pocket in true fork fashion, but eating it in that manner would have scalded my insides with molten cheese. I needed to sever a serving and consume it in reasonable-sized pieces. The edge had become adequately petrified so I set to work with my tool, bottle-opener side down.
Fortunately, the edge of the Eat n’ Tool is thick and had an edge, so the Hot Pocket crust shattered before my assault like the dreams of Obama every morning when he wakes up and realizes this shit isn’t getting any better.
Screwing – There’s a slotted screwdriver at the top of the Eat’ N Tool, because Phillips and Robertson are for suckers, and don’t even get me started on Frearson. Everyone who’s anyone probably has about 15 screwdrivers and you only have them handy about 50% of the time. The rest of the time you just realized you need a screwdriver but you’re in the middle of fighting a coyote or on the bus or something so you don’t have the tool box handy. Or, more likely, you’re trying to take out a microscopic screw from the back of an electronic device and the only screwdriver you can find looks like a medieval weapon.
Point is, screwing can happen at the drop of a hat, but how you screw often depends on the tools you have at hand. Nothing is worse than wanting to screw but being unable to because you weren’t prepared. Anyway, innuendo-laden sentences aside, I screwed the shit out of the Eat n’ Tool.
Noodles – Noodles are probably one of the most popular food items in the world. There’s spaghetti, there’s macaroni, there’s Hamburger Helper. That’s like 50% of all food right there. However, eating them is never an easy task if you’re drunk or on a rollercoaster. I was on neither of those, but traditionally using a spork to manage noodles was not easy either. It makes a mockery of your attempts to be nourished. But could the Eat n’ Tool overcome this madness? I was hungry for my Hamburger Helper, so it damn well better.
as good as it looks
Three minutes in and I was raging against my shifty, salty, noodles that darted about like lubed up hamsters at Richard Gere’s house. Too dated? Like greasy sausages in Snooki’s pudgy paws. It’s hard as hell to spork a noodle, however, the compact tines can do some damage if you corner them in a bowl. It’s a bit like accidentally brushing against a book when you’re all standing on the subway. Is it a victory? Yes and no.
Sawing – The Eat n’ Tool has no sawing function. As such, trying to work my way through my neighbor’s shrubs got me just short of nowhere. But oh man, wouldn’t they have shit if they came home and saw no shrubs? Guess I could use a real saw…
Crab in Shell – I work on the internet so I do not have access to crab in shell because I can’t afford Red Lobster or even Long John Silvers. I tried to find one in the river a few miles from my house but I suspect it’s not crab country. The grocery store had canned crab meat and that seemed like humanity had improved on nature’s design, like forced evolutionary awesomeness, because can beats shell any day of the week, so I bought one and beat the ever lovin’ shit out of it with the Eat n’ Tool. And do you know what? I ate some delicious-ass crab. I hope it wasn’t real ass crab. Do crabs have asses?
Hammering – One of the selling points of the Eat n’ Tool is its lightweight design. It’s made from a space aged polymer and is actually negative weight. Ike if you put an ounce of Hamburger Helper on it then weigh the whole thing, it’ll weigh like 15/16ths of an ounce. What’s that, you don’t believe me? While it may be true I just made that up, the fact is it’s still very light, and therefore its functionality as a hammer is somewhat limited. I tried to force a nail into some drywall and stabbed my hand with the fork tines. Good thing they’re so small.
Chick Peas – If I ever eat chick peas it’s in the form of hummus when I’m trying to look worldly and impress a chick who I think might be European or some kinda Spanish. Not like Europe Spanish, but like everywhere else Spanish. Like Moroccan. Or Guaman. Anyway, in its natural state, a chick pea is retarded.
screw these guys
They skittered across my plate like so many assholes trying to avoid being skewered by a giant fork-spoon from above. However, if you hold one still with your free hand, then stab it with the Eat n’ Tool, you can totally eat them. Of course I could have just eaten them with my free hand, too. But that’s uncivilized.
Prying – The screw driver blade on the tool can also be use for prying the lids off of things. In all honesty, I have never pried the lid off of anything that wasn’t a paint can. Then I had to stop and try to think of anything other than a paint can that actually has a pryable lid on it. I think Sterno cans, maybe. I have no Sterno or paint handy. I tried to pry open the bathroom door when my roommate was taking a shower, but the noise alerted him to my presence and he called me an asshole.
Steak – I enjoy a good steak as much as the next man, because I like knowing I have won a battle against a bull, nature’s most deadly cow. Usually, however, a good fork/knife combo is necessary to master the steak and finally place that sinister cow where he belongs, in the GI tract.
Without a knife at hand, this was an uphill battle. The Eat n’ Tool put in a valiant effort to cut through the steak but it was not unlike trying to use a tiny rock pick to dig out of a prison without Morgan Freeman there to inspire you. Why would you even do something so silly?
Fortunately the steak had been grilled to the semi-alive and exsanguinating state of perfection that allows for easy spork penetration. I held my steak high and gnawed on it like a hobo might gnaw on gin if gin could solidify into a steak.
Assembling IKEA Products – I don’t shop at IKEA. Come on.