Newsweek magazine recently polled 1,000 U.S. citizens to find out if the average American could answer the questions on America’s official citizenship test; the very test all potential immigrants must take before they are granted the honor of being a fully-fledged American.
The results are as follows:
29% couldn’t name the vice president.
73% couldn’t correctly say why we fought the Cold War.
44% were unable to define the Bill of Rights.
6% couldn’t even circle Independence Day on a calendar.
Shameful, isn’t it? We at Holy Taco take pride in our vast knowledge of America and its civic history. So we set out to create a bit of a study guide to aid those of you hoping to learn more about this great nation of ours. We consider it our patriotic duty.
When was the Declaration of Independence adopted?
What’s important in this question isn’t when the Declaration of Independence was adopted, but rather, by whom and why.
The Declaration was adopted by a lovely a lovely homosexual couple from Milwaukee. They adopted the Declaration because nature did not bestow men with the ability to give birth via the butt. So, on July, 4th, 1776, the Henderson’s adopted little baby Declaration, filling their home with joy and happiness.
What happened at the Constitutional Convention?
All of our founding fathers set up booths where fans could meet them, get autographs, purchase hard to find back issues of comic books, and lob highly detailed questions at them regarding episode 315 (“Revolution is Afoot!”) during Q&A panels.
During the Cold War, what was the main concern of the United States?
Whether everyone was having a good time. America has always been a gracious host.
Who is in charge of the executive branch?
I don’t know. Who’d you leave in charge of it? It had better not have been Kevin. I swear, that guy’s retarded.
How many justices are on the Supreme Court?
Trick question. Justice is blind. That bitch has no clue. Can’t see shit.
What do we call the first 10 amendments to the Constitution?
A good start! BOOM! Zing! Got’cha!
What is the supreme law of the land?
Two men enter; one man leave!! (NOTE: this rule also applies to parking spots at the mall).
What is the name of the current vice president of the United States?
Under our Constitution, some powers belong to the federal government. What is one power of the federal government?
One word: laser eyes.
The House of Representatives has how many voting members?
435. But most of them text in their votes, and the American people are charged $1.99 per text, because standard messaging rates apply.
If both the president and the vice president can no longer serve, who becomes president?
The Shadow President steps forth from the secret under-chambers of the White House to assume the powers he already had, and has been wielding for over a millennia! After him, it’s Hank’s cousin.