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Eight Guinness World Records That Will Never Get You Laid

(Backwards-bowling sasquatch: Truth or hoax? This grainy video footage raises more questions than answers.)

By Dustin Seibert

Last weekend, a man named Andrew Cowen from Rockford, Illinois — the hairy armpit of the Midwest — scored 280 points while bowling backwards, which qualified him for a Guinness World Record. Unlike, say, running the 100-yard dash or deadlifting some astronomical amount of weight, great bowling performances — even when done backwards — will never blow anyone’s mind. He’ll probably never get on the Today show, and one look at this guy makes it clear that the ladies probably aren’t taking numbers deli-style to hop in the sack with him.

Unfortunately, the good folks at Guinness need as much material as they can to fill those overpriced hardcover books that we loved as children but now would only use to hold up a table leg. So for every cool world record, there’s a load of crappy ones that can only make the recipient and their mama proud. Here are just a few…

Most live rattlesnakes in mouth: When I was a boy, my father and I used to watch “When Animals Attack.” An endearing memory I have of him is watching him laughing his ass off whenever a bear or gazelle or something fucked up a hapless, unsuspecting white guy. When I think of Jackie Bibby and all his rattlesnake records, including getting 13 live ones in his mouth without being bitten, I think of all those hapless bastards that my dad used to laugh at. And though “When Animals Attack” has long been off the air, I know it’s a matter of time before my ol’ pops is laughing again at a news story chowderhead laid up in a hospital, puffy with venom and chronic stupidity.

Fastest weight gained: Hey, we’re a world of freaks, many of us with jaw-dropping fetishes that we wouldn’t even share with our significant other. So I’m not surprised that some of you sick bastards get off on watching a fat chick eat herself to death. Alas, Donna Simpson actually once pursued a career as a “fat fetish model,” hosting a pay site full of videos of her doing nothing but eating. Like, eating while fully clothed…something you can go to the nearest mall food court and watch for free. The result of this awesome occupation was Simpson ballooning to 600 lbs., and wearing clothes-sizes with more Xs than will fit in this paragraph. She was actually shooting for 1,000 pounds and consumed more than 20,000 calories a day — but the grocery bills got dumb high. She’s since shut down the site and is now on a healthier tip, presumably because she doesn’t want her young daughter to find her dead from a cheese-steak overdose. Ah, the cruel price of fame.

Fastest toilet: I mean, why not, right? Strap a shitter to a souped-up mobility scooter and call Guinness. This bad boy clocked north of 46 mph to go 100 meters. Maybe I should set up the toilet in my bathroom so that late at night, my wife walks in bleary-eyed, falls in the bowl because I left the seat up, I hit a button on a remote and watch her go flying down the street. You feel me, fellas??

Most kicks to the head in one minute (self-inflicted): Imagine Joel Leindecker walking up to a pretty young thing, like “Hey, girl, how’s it going?” The girl looks past his nasty white-boy dreads and acknowledges he’s kinda cute, so they start up a nice conversation. He buys her a couple drinks, she lets her guard down a bit and becomes lubricated in more ways than one. Then she asks what he does with his free time, and he breaks out his Guinness certificate and the YouTube video of him kicking himself in the head 115 times on national television. Then she dries up faster than the Gobi desert in August. I’ll bet two bits to a bottle of piss this scenario has played out at some point.

Largest barf bag collection: Niek Vermeulen lives in the Netherlands — never too far from where you can smoke bud on the streets with impunity — and what does he do with his time? He collects vomit bags. He’s held this record since 1986 (I think your record’s safe from competitors, bud), spending decades hitting up airliners, friends and anyone else he can think of to get him as many unique barf bags as he can find. Ever the ambassador of cool, he even made himself a hat to let the world know how lame he is. So instead of shoving this old coot on an episode of “Hoarders” where he belongs, the Powers That Be instead decided to post part of his collection in museums. How about I start collecting the wrappers from straws — pretty sure that I, too, can get my name in Guinness.

Fastest balloon bursting with back: You know that thing I said about these records not getting you laid? This might be the only exception. Germany’s Julia “Zlata” Gunthel can burst three balloons with her back in 12 seconds. Whooptie-fuckin’-doo. Thing is, she’s considered by many to be the world’s most flexible woman, and she also happens to be a hot blonde. My guess is you’ve never had sex with someone who can literally put their head in their own asshole, but Gunthel fits the bill. Bonus: it would take a lot of time out of having to switch positions mid-coitus — she can bring the necessary hole to wherever you need it. Minimal movement necessary.

Longest distance pulled by a horse while on fire: There’s not really a lot to say about Hungary’s Halapi Roland and his choice of record (being dragged 1,551 feet while on fire by a horse) except I hope his ignorant ass is inadvertently dragged across a sidewalk soaked in gasoline and explodes.

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