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English Politician Doesn’t Know Why People Freak Out When He Tells Them About His 9-Foot Tall Alien Mother

We’ve come to expect that, as humans, most politicians are closet weirdos. We can’t vet all candidates so thoroughly that we catch their full-on weirdness, so it leaks out little by little over a period of time, mostly after they’ve already been elected.

Simon Parkes of Whitby, England is one such case, even though no one in Whitby should be surprised by Simon’s particular brand of weird because he’s been very forthcoming about it for years: he claims his “real” mother is a green, 9-foot tall alien.

aliens

Simon has had this hour-long video on YouTube for nearly a year, in which he details his many encounters and conversations with aliens throughout his life. Only now, after he was elected to town council last month, are the locals finding out about it. Apparently, googeling things hasn’t quite caught on in Whitby just yet.

Simon’s first encounter with aliens occurred when he was just 8-months old, and the alien sent him a message in to his brain through his optic nerve, which is a fancy way of saying that he saw a message, which must mean the alien was trained in the art mime-based communication. That, or it was some of that wacky telepathic communication stuff we often wear about in science fiction. Seeing as this man believes his true mother is a 9-foot alien, I’m going to go with the latter.

If I’m remembering my U.S. history correctly, one of the biggest irrational fears surrounding John F. Kennedy during his run for president, and even during his time as president, was that he was catholic, and that as a catholic, he would serve and take commands from the Pope. That claim was, of course, stupid and wrong. Simon Parkes, on the other hand, has admitted to allowing aliens to tap in to his mind and drop little nuggets of information in to his brain, altering his perception on reality. For instance, he once thought his real mother was the human lady that squeezed him from her vagina, but now he thinks his real mother is a 9-foot tall green alien that can hack in to his brain at will. Who knows what that alien mother might tell him to do?

She could suggest that he harvest as many Whitby citizens as he can so that the humans don’t struggle as much when the aliens probe them anally?

Maybe they’ll want a kind, honest human to be their spokesperson when they make themselves known to the world and attempt to forge a partnership with mankind, but then turn around and wipe us all out after we’ve become friends with them and invited them to our backyard barbeques?

There’s no telling what kind of danger Simon Parkes is putting not only the residents of Whitby in, but the race of man as well. But at least he’s honest out it, which, I guess, is some kind of win for modern politics.This era of global politics should have a slogan: “New Millennium — At least our politicians aren’t afraid to admit they’re kind of crazy!”

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