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Eulogizing Doritos Inventor Arch West

Seeing as though the Holy Taco staff is a team of talented writers who probably eat more Doritos than most writers, we feel as though we’re more qualified than even some of West’s family members to eulogize one of the most influential men in American culture. We will probably never get to read this at West’s funeral, but we felt the need to say our piece to the man, and send him off properly. This one’s for you, Arch West, heaven just got a little more crunchy. Grab a box of tissues and a bag of Doritos, then continue reading to pay your proper respects…

First of all, we’d like to give our condolences to Arch’s immediate family. We don’t have to remind you that we’re sure Arch was a great man. I mean, judging by the cutting edge snack food products he introduced the world to. We honestly don’t know a whole lot about Arch’s personal life, but if he was anything like Doritos, he was delicious, crunchy, satisfying and not very good for you. Just kidding. We’re sure he was good for you.

We think Arch’s memory would be well served by talking a bit about the role Doritos played in our lives. Since most of us were children, we knew what a Dorito was. They were the cheesy, salty snack that our parents used to quiet us down when we were young children, and they became the thing that calmed us down as adults, when we got way too stoned to drive to Taco Bell.

Through our difficult pubescent, teen-aged years we were alone, we were confused. The popular kids were going to dances and hanging out in parks while we sat alone in basements mashing buttons and staring at TV screens. What kept us company besides the middle-aged men pretending to be teenaged girls in AOL chat rooms? A bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. Oh sure, they didn’t help the situation, and the way they made our breath smell did nothing to help our social standing, but it didn’t matter.

When we got to college, we moved forward, we discovered new ways to escape. We moved on from video games and internet social lives and into the real world, where there was alcohol. The one thing that stayed with us? Our insatiable cravings for delicious, unhealthy, corn-based snack foods. Where did we turn when we needed to fill that void? We dove into a bag of nacho cheese Doritos with a newfound intensity.

As adults, we’ve decided to live a little healthier, and be a little more aware of what we’re putting into our bodies. But every so often, when we decide we’re not going to care for a day or two, we reach again for the Doritos. Thank you Arch West for helping to keep us sort of fat, and temporarily happy.

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