A 12-year old girl in
Virginia can’t stop sneezing. She sneezes about 12,000 times a day. The girl’s mother commented on her daughter’s condition, saying "I’m sure she’s just miserable, but I’m so jealous, because I’m one of those women who has an orgasm everytime I sneeze, and it’s been about 15 years since I had an orgasm at all, so if I could have 12,000 of them every day that would be amazing. Is this too much information? Are you going to print all of this? Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Do you have any pepper?"
A car thief in Germany unwittingly stole a van with a circus lion in the back. The thief drove off, but quickly abandoned the vehicle after crashing into a road sign a short distance away. When questioned about the incident, the entire world said, "Why the f*ck were those people driving around with a lion in their f*cking van in the first place? Is that a normal way to transport a f*cking lion in Germany? F*cking Germany, dude.
F*cking Germany."
A 68-year old South Korean woman has finally passed the written portion of a driving test, after failing it 949 times. Upon hearing the news, the International Committee for Fighting Cliche
Asian Stereotypes abolished itself and gave up on its cause entirely.
Geena Davis was photographed playing with her kids recently, and she looks different. Specifically, she’s fat and has had plastic surgery. When asked about her new appearance, Davis muttered something about an upcoming Katamari movie before rolling away, absorbing two pedestrians, a park bench, and a payphone before tumbling out of sight.
A man in Peru has been eating metal compulsively for months now, and doctors finally removed a bunch of nails, coins, pieces of wire, and scrap metal from his stomach. The man said that he is sad to have the metal removed, because it helped him garner several world records for The
Heaviest Shit Ever Taken, Most Nails Shit Out In One Sitting, Most Blood Shit Out In One Sitting, and Most Horrific Sounding Shit Screams Ever Heard By Human Ears.
first
Fist! (Up your ass, of course!)
Yes you are….to suck my cock!!haggerty
loser
And here I was thinking that the inner monologues and guest columns were the stupidest shit I’ve ever read. I forgot about the news you won’t believe is real.
SIXTH!