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Every Day Excuses for Assaulting Average Citizens


So you’ve decided you’ve had enough of other people’s crap. Good for you! It’s true, most people are terrible and need to be put in their place. But does anyone ever do it? Rarely. Sure, once in a while, a bus river snaps and tries to smother someone with his beaded ass-massager, but usually he rages himself into a sleepy stupor long before the object of his wrath has come to terms with their own stupidity. So that means if you want to get anything done you have to do it yourself. But where does one begin? Do you just punch people in line at the movies? Do you drop kick everyone at the water cooler at work? Slam heads in toilets? Yes, yes a thousand times yes. More in the ensuing paragraphs!

If you’ve ever been to the internet you’re aware most people are angry malcontents who are frustrated to no end. You’re one of them. Go on, scroll down to the comments and call us a name, everyone else does. All that angry, hateful commenting is another punch that didn’t get thrown in the real world because we’re far too intimidated to start taking each other out for real lest society break down en masse. But don’t worry about that because not enough people read this site to destroy the fabric of society. So if you start solving problems with fisticuffs, the social order will continue as planned with your presence serving as nothing more than a terribly violent aberration. Yay!

But it’s not enough just to say you’re done with social niceties and you plan on destroying anyone who dares cross you from here on out, you have to put that plan into action, and it’s not always going to work the same way. It all depends on the situation. And if you want to stay out of prison, you’re going to need a plausible excuse for your actions. What excuse? Let’s go find out!

At the Supermarket

supermarket looting

If you’re like us, you hate the supermarket with the searing passion of a botched circumcision. If it’s not an old lady groping all the produce with her crypt-keeper fingers it’s a family of circus people trying to suss out how many cents they’ll save if they buy the 10lb slab of ground beef versus the crate of dog food they had been contemplating. No one at the supermarket is there to make your life easier. Especially not the asshole who did not come prepared.

The only thing more infuriating than being in line behind an elderly woman who chooses to pay for her purchases with change, an event that we think only occurs in sitcoms and 80’s movies, is being behind the guy who picked up 10 cases of Fanta when the store has a limit of 2 per customer and at some point realizes he picked up $100 worth of groceries when he only has $48 in his wallet. He’s an idiot on the scale of the sort people used to put in cages and throw peanuts at for entertainment.

If you let this fool has his way, not only will he try to trick the cashier into thinking he’s legitimately dumb enough to believe 10 is less than 2, but he’ll pick over every item on the belt, one at a time, to wittle his purchase down to $48, asking what his new total is after each and every can of beans gets removed.

You could take this gracefully and mutter under your breath, maybe roll your eyes and look at the people in line behind you with a “can you believe this character?” expression on your face, or you could take action.

Your cart serves as a perfect siege weapon in a case like this and will usher him completely out of the way. As he’s struggling to understand this turn of events, you’re free to rain down hell with canned and frozen goods, the most effective weapons in the supermarket arsenal. A can of peas to the solar plexus can be devastating, and one pound of frozen anything is basically a rock that can, under ideal circumstances, burn off a patch of skin after it makes contact. Just don’t hit him in the head, it’s useless to him.

Your Excuse: A series of uncontrollable muscle spasms.

In Church

church fight

Not enough people fight in church, that’s obvious. It’s also shameful as church was founded on a philosophy of fight or flight. Which means if you’re not fighting you should be running from the godly fight that’s coming your way. Which church? Every church.

Here is evidence of Jesus’ fightin’ spirit;

• Carried a hammer
• Loose-fitting clothes
jesus karate

Buddha was a fat Asian guy and likely the inspiration for sumo culture and no one even knows what Allah looks like. Dude was crafty like that. Your spiritual betters want you to kick ass for the Lord.

Church is full of posers. Maybe half of the people there genuinely care about spiritual salvation, the other half probably kill transients for fun. But at church they’re sanctimonious posers who suck up to the church boss guy – what do you call him? The pope? Pastor? Whatever. Point is, kick that guy’s ass. It’s for the good of divinity.

The upside of taking out your enemies in church is that, depending on your beliefs, you may be forgiven as soon as you’re done. The downside is that, depending on your beliefs, you may get a public stoning. Watch out for that. And if it comes down to it, take out the entire congregation.

Churches are often decked out with thing like rosaries, prayer books and holy water, otherwise known as garrotes, bludgeons and drowning pools. Choose your weapons wisely and have at it.

Your Excuse: Demonic possession and/or mental unwellness.

At the Petting Zoo

kangaroo boxing

Oh man, petting zoos are the worst. You have little goats and sheep and badgers and sticky people and seeds and a general sense of malaise that comes from being in the presence of adorable livestock.

Basically what we’re saying you may one day need to punch a man at a petting zoo. He may be wearing overalls.

Your Excuse: Total accident caused by being headbutted by a small goat.

Stuck In an Elevator

crowded elevator

Next to inexplicably being trapped in bed with a stranger, an elevator is the worst place to spend time with another human. It’s a tiny up and down box and the trips are usually blissfully short. But every so often Dennis Hopper, or more recently his corpse, strap a bomb to one and then you’re trapped for a dog’s age with someone who smells like cured meats or wants to chat. Listen, it’s 2010, I think we can all agree we’re beyond chatting with people we don’t know. Chatting with someone you don’t know is the long winded way of holding up a sign that says “Hi, I’m batshit insane.” You may as well start talking to dudes at urinals while you’re at it. Incidentally, if you do that, you’re 100% awful.

Anyway, being stuck in an elevator can only go downhill, it’s not going to become more pleasant if you bond with this stranger. You’ll need to head them off at the pass the moment they make eye contact, take that put-upon breath and start muttering about their bad luck in a good natured sort of way. Instead of letting their aimless rambling continue, simply lash out like a panicked monkey and don’t let up until you’re rewarded with an eerie silence.

Your Excuse: Massive panic attack and temporary insanity.

As you can see, throttling unsuspecting citizens in even the most mundane of locations can be simple and fun and, if done properly, can occur with no consequences whatsoever provided you take advantage of your surroundings to justify you’re horrible actions. Have at it, friend!

8 Responses to "Every Day Excuses for Assaulting Average Citizens"

  1. Mexican Jesus says:

    I love to punch the blacks! weather sucker or donkey, it’s all in good clean fun!

  2. We All says:

    I plan to employ all of these tactics on the writing staff of Holy Taco.

  3. Ian Fortey says:
    You will be sorely beaten and sodomized.
  4. Orifice Jerq says:

    is that a threat or a promise?

  5. DonkeyPwnte says:

    Sounds like a typical Friday night at my house!

  6. Ween says:

    This is great!

  7. DonkeyXote says:

    You guys could have ended that article with the cover of an Exodus album, Good Friendly Violent Fun.


  8. duh says:

    What is a bus river?