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Everyone is a Slut: 9 Remarkable Sex Scandals

Sandra Fluke, you’re in good company.  Surely, if given the chance, all around decent citizen Rush Limbaugh would have expounded on his comments rather than apologizing online for them, and explained how what he really means is that everyone is a slut.  And it seems to be pretty much, true.  Check out these other people we’re indirectly labeling sluts for their sexual behavior.  And these folks actually even deserve it.

Prince Charles:  The Tampon

One day Prince Charles will slay the dragon of Sheffield and become the King of all Britain.  But right now he’s just a little, big-eared fella who was once married to a Princess that everyone loved and, during that marriage, took the time to chat on the phone with a bulldog about how he wanted to be her tampon.  No really, that happened.

Now of course Diana and the Prince divorced after it became public and then she died in a car accident and Charles was free to marry Camilla some years later after it was proper and very little more was made of it, but try to appreciate the level of gross dirty talk these people were at that talking about being a tampon was considered hot.  Then appreciate that he was royalty and this was England.  It’d be like hearing…who was the last President everyone liked?  JFK?  It’d be like hearing he had sex with a movie star or something.  Oh wait.

Schwarzenegger’s Nanny Baby

Arnold Schwarzenegger was Mr. Universe.  Then Conan and the Terminator and Danny DeVito’s twin.  Then shit went downhill fast and he ended up as a Governor.  Oh well, can’t win ‘em all.  But what you can do is hump the maid and father an illegitimate Terminator baby with her.

For the most high profile Governor in the country, thanks to his celebrity status, one of the biggest movie stars alive and a fairly well known womanizer, it wasn’t a super surprise to learn that maybe Schwarzenegger had banged the help, but it was a bit of a surprise when word got out she’d had a baby who looked exactly like him if he’d been born in Central America, and somehow no one caught on for 13 friggin’ years.  For reals?  For reals.

Bill Clinton Pokes Everyone

Bill Clinton probably ranks next to JFK as the next most beloved President, surely since JFK he was – who’s going to beat him, Nixon?  This is made much more hilarious by the fact everyone knows what Clinton did and that was whatever he could.  Bill Clinton basically became so outrageous we all had to stop caring and just focus on whatever he did that was right because it’d be too time consuming to focus on all the insane, frat house shenanigans that made up most of his Presidency.

At last count, Bill Clinton either poked or tried to poke a good half dozen ladies that we know of, and clearly there was no discernment or discretion involved.  He did his intern with a cigar at work.  But hey, he got reelected and is generally considered to be one of the better Presidents in American history.  That ain’t bad.

Catholicism WOW

Oh shit, son.  This is a topic far larger and more awful than one comedy article can manage.  As of 2004, a report had been written that there were upwards of 10,700 victims of abuse at the hands of Catholic officials between 1950 and 2002.  So try to fold in the last decade and also from about the year 325 onward when the Catholic Church kind of officially started.  At an average of 206 cases per year, that could be upwards of about 350k victims in its history.  That’s what we call, in the industry, insane.

The Catholic Church has taken up the official position of covering its ears and saying “Lalalalala!” very loudly in reaction to all of this and will probably continue to do so until the end of time.  But if nothing else it goes to show that the process by which one becomes a Catholic priest is pretty shitty and poorly vetted.

Public School Teachers

Feeling overshadowed by the Church, public school teachers started, not so long ago, to also engage in inappropriate relationships with students.  Now arguably teachers have likely been doing such things for a long while but the more noteworthy aspect of this scandal is the fact it’s very often female teachers having sexual relationships with male students, some of whom maintain their relationships after their jail terms end!  Fun!

If you weren’t sure how prevalent this was and can only remember Mary Kay Letourneau, it’s worth noting that an AP study found over 2,500 teachers were punished for sexual misconduct between 2001 and 2005.  That’s a worse average than the Church.

In fairness, only about 10% of those punished were women, but they get more media attention because apparently it’s less awful or at least more unusual to people  than when a male teacher does it, because that’s both gross and predictable.  Plus don’t we all remember that one teacher who ended up marrying a student?  Freakish.

Profumo:  Spy Shagger

If you’re going to have devastating sex, go hard or go home, yeah?  John Profumo, secretary of State for War in the 1960s in Britain was enjoying a friendly relationship with a lady named Christine Keeler.  Thing is, Keeler was also having an affair with a Soviet official and suspected spy.  In the middle of the Cold War.  Oh man!

Profumo lied about his relationship but eventually had to resign over it, and the whole thing so totally screwed the government that the Prime Minister himself ended up stepping down not long after, though the official cause was health reasons.  Bill Clinton wishes he could mess up that badly.

Tiger Tiger Woods Y’all!

Though arguably not important at all in the grand scheme of the world, Tiger Woods was an impressive golfer at a time when no one gave two shits about golf, and introduced the sport to everyone under 50 who had never bothered learning about it before.  He was also a multi-million dollar boon for sponsors and one of the biggest athletes of all time.  So when it came to light that he was cheating on his super hot Swedish model wife, eyebrows raised.  They rose further when it turned out Tiger Woods probably spent twice as much time banging hot chicks as he did playing golf.  And dude spent a lot of time playing golf.

Thomas Jefferson Started Jungle Fever

We’re going old school with this one because it’s a winner.  Founding father, author of the Declaration of Independence, President and dude who loved to get busy, Thomas Jefferson .  Well, that’s not exactly right, but word is, after his wife died, Jefferson had an affair with Sally Hemings, one of his slaves.  Some historians believe he fathered all six of her children, some say less, some say there’s not enough evidence to suggest he fathered any.  But back in the day, such an affair was a pretty big scandal and, in fairness, banging a slave is still pretty big news.  You shouldn’t have slaves, yo.  It does make you wonder about his view on race relations though.

Swaggart’s Swagger

Remember Jimmy Swaggart?  If you’re lucky, you don’t.  He’s disgusting.  Not because he loved porn (he loved porn, incidentally) but because he was an evangelical, hate mongering asshole for most of his public life pretending to be something he was that and viciously judging all those who were basically exactly the same as him.  Swaggart  had a hate on for rock music, especially Ozzy Osbourne and publicly cast out a fellow minister for having an affair.  Of course, since Swaggart had a thing for hookers this was a little hypocritical.

Indeed, Swaggart himself was outed and gave his famous “I have sinned” speech like a whiny piece of shit.  Of course, people are foolish and still send him millions of dollars every year, even though he cares as much about your salvation as those hookers do about him.

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