Everyone knows that all girls are not sluts. In fact, sometimes the best girls are not explicitely slutty in any way. But even if you happen to be dating one of these not-slutty-but-still-awesome girls, chances are you still like watching videos of dirty sluts from time to time. With that in mind, let’s take a journey through history to discover where those sluts actually came from:
The Prehistoric Slut
Being a slut in prehistoric times was a lot like having a potluck barbecue by yourself: the more you put out, the more you got to eat. A prehistoric slut basically had three things to worry about: food, safety, and shelter. If she could find a strapping caveman that could provide all of these things, then she could easily win him over with her sexual prowess, and be completely taken care of. The prehistoric slut had a lot of competition, though, because there were many other women who also had a strong desire to survive.
This means that prehistory was most likely a dirty, filthy, butthole-penetrating time, but ultimately it was worth it for her, because the payoff was that she got to survive another day. The world of sluttiness basically stayed the same for a long, long time, until one day when a less-than-awesome dude picked up a paintbrush and started painting naked chicks, signifying the dawn of…
The Classical Slut
When artists started painting, sculpting, and selling artwork, sluts quickly recognized art as an outlet for their sexuality. Suddenly, people everywhere could look at (and discreetly masturbate to) their slutiness, and classical sluts just ate that shit up. This was also the first time in history that a slut could gain monetarily just from being slutty (being naked in front of someone was considered slutty back then), and sluts took full advantage of the opportunity, like a good slut should.
Plus, how great was it when a slut could take a dude to a church or something, and be like, "hey, see that naked statue right there? Those are my tits!" Things during this period seemed to be going swimmingly for the classical slut. Suddenly, she was seen as a valuable artistic commodity, rather than…wel, a slut. Things would continue to improve for sluts, especially in the 19th century, when a new invention began to gain popularity…
The Golden Age Slut
The advent of the camera revolutionized sluttiness as we know it, and a whole new breed of slut emerged: the impatient slut. At long last, the camera provided an opportunity for sluts who were too impatient to be painted or sculpted to be captured, immortalized, and distributed on film. This technology opened the door for sluts everywhere, and suddenly every slut with a pair of tits was standing sluttily in line, waiting to be photographed.
This greatly affected the quality of slut for the masses, but quantity also increased ten-fold, helping to revolutionize masturbation as we know it. Now, rather than hiding in public to masturbate to a work of art, a gentleman could jerk off in the privacy in his own home. This, of course, greatly increased the demand for more sluts, and with the invention of the motion picture, and later home video, anyone could produce pornography.
The industry exploded, and soon, the better sluts began making money hand over hand (both of which were probably wrapped around a penis at the time). Now, being a slut could actually be a lucrative career move, and the best sluts in the business finally got the recognition they deserved, but everything was about to change again…
The Modern Slut
The creation and subsequent popularity of the internet has ushered in a slut hey-day. Today, sluts from all over the world can, with a few simple clicks of a mouse, upload pictures and videos of themselves to a global audience, reaping the exposure and benefits previously reserved for only the most sought-after and publicized sluts in the world. Slutty stars are born nearly every day, and a slut who’s willing to push the boundaries of decency can become a worldwide phenomenon literally overnight.
Along with exposure and fame, a good, hard-working slut can easily accumulate a small fortune if she plays her cards right, and our modern technological renaissance is a launching pad for incredibly successful career sluts all over the world. The modern era of slutiness encapsulates the absolute peak of slut potential, reaping higher quantity and higher quality slutiness than ever before. But like many peaks, there could be a devastating valley on the other side…
The Future Slut
Since the beginning of time, the biggest problem with sluts has rested in the cramped hands of the less-than-the-best guy. This was the caveman who couldn’t catch the most food, and who didn’t have the nicest cave. This was the unknown artist who was jealous of Michelangelo and Da Vinci, and who had to awkwardly paint nude portraits of his mom or his sister that nobody wanted to look at. Currently, this is anyone who’s not dating one of the many pornstars that they masturbate to three times a day. This also happens to be the guy who’s a computer programmer, and the guy who’s working on advanced robotics and hologram technology in his mother’s basement after his shift ends at Jamba Juice. Soon, this guy will rule the world.
Technology is quickly moving toward the elimination of an actual, physical slut, and replacing it with hologram sluts and robot sluts, who are going to be way nastier, way better, and (most importantly) way more attainable than any living slut in history. In the future, the nerdy, unattractive guy who could never score a hot, slutty chick will decide to simply make his own hot slut, and the nerd will finally reign supreme. I, for one, welcome our nerdy pervert overlords, and would really appreciate it if they could direct me to the robo-slut waiting list, because if this is where they’re at now, I can’t wait to see what they’ll have in 20 more years.