It seems every week another video is released featuring a far-too-realistic robot that was created, presumably, by a person that hates real humans so much that he or she has taken to creating their own robo-army of soulless, dead-eyed friends. Sure, the robo-army of soulless, dead-eyed friends is far more soulless and dead-eyed than a real person, but at least they don’t step on your heart and ruin your soul the way real humans do. Instead, they just kind of sit there, flapping their loose jaws as if an invisible ghost is opening and closing the thing’s mouth and making it say silly stuff to make his ghost friends laugh.
The Dental Training robot (pictured above) was created with the help of Orient Industries, a company that makes realistic sex dolls. That’s a fact that you already knew without actually knowing it. Below is an accompanying video, and we’re going to fast forward to the 2 minute and 42 second mark.
At the 2:42, you will discover that the robot has the ability to gag. At around the 2:43 mark is roughly when you, the viewer, start making your own oral sex jokes. It’s also around that time that I, the writer of this article, kick back and realize that in your mind you’ve just written every disgusting, gross-out comment that can possibly be made about a female robot that can gag. Really, there’s only one comment that can be made, but there are many beautiful, stomach-churning variations on that one comment – and that’s exactly what makes this…thing such a joy for comedy bloggers like us.
That gagging robo-mouth is like the empty space in a Mad Libs worksheet, just instead of filling that space with adjectives and verbs and nouns, you’re filling it with thoughts of nightmarish robot love that smell of latex and the smoke generated by drilling in to a tooth.
After I told fellow Holy Taco writer Jim Tews that I was posting an article about a creepy Japanese dental training robot that has a gag reflex, he instantaneously fired this PopularScience.com link at me, which features a couple of videos of a guy very passionately hugging a quadriplegic mannequin like he’s trying to slyly unhook its bra and copulate with its phantom limbs.
The hug machine thing records the data of a hug (because being a Japanese scientist means you see the world as nothing but mathematical equations, spreadsheets, and Matrix-like green coding), and then replicates that hug through a vest that a person wears. The vest then inflates in various spots to simulate the pressure of the recorded hug, and the vest also vibrates; presumably to mimic the heroin withdrawal shivers of the hugger.
One thing that’s evident after watching these two videos is that Japanese robot scientists have very little communication with one another. If they did, most of the earth’s male population would currently own doe-eyed female robots that gag and then spoon you sweetly with a post-gag embrace – and all while singing you enchanting, romantic songs of love and passion. Like this one:
And then, nine-months later, you and your robo-lover will experience the magic, wonder and miracle of horrifying robotic child birth. While she sings to the robot baby. Like this:
After that, the both of you can watch your robo-child grow up before your eyes, and together you’ll both experience the joy of watching your son/nightmare sit slouched on the floor as he chirps stupidly at cameramen. Like at the this:
And finally, as you grow old and your robo-lover begins to reek heavily of musty latex and your bodily fluids, you both can watch your robo-son/nightmare graduate college and get a job doing exactly what he always wanted to do with his life…