It's clear that the world’s religions aren’t evolving to keep up with modern times. Fewer people believe in an organized religion, and those that do only seem to start lame wars. So we thought we would fill that void by creating a religion for today’s civilization. Something everyone can relate to. And we give you: Explosianity.
Explosianity: Book 1
In the beginning, our God, who’s named Tabasco Explosion, was bored. So, He decided to create the earth. And when He did, He was like, “Yes! This shit rules!” And so He stood on the earth for a while and looked around. When He got tired of that, He made some light, which was pretty cool. Once He had the light, He saw that His earth needed some more shit on it. So he took his kickass flaming guitar and started shredding some brutalfying licks and created the wind. Then, He shredded a little bit harder and the rivers started to flow over the earth. Then, He shredded as hard as he possibly could and the land blew apart and that created the continents and shit. It was awesome.
After that, Tobasco sat down and checked out the kickass new earth he just created. He had a few beers while he was checking it out. Then, he thought it would be awesome to have a dog to, like, hang out with and take to the park. Then, He thought it would be awesome if there were a bunch of crazy-ass animals running around and doing shit. So He, like, sneezed and all these animals came flying out of His nose to populate the earth. That’s right, dude, Tabasco Explosion is so awesome that He sneezes animals into existence. After He did that He was pretty tired. So He had a few more beers and rested.
After Tabasco Explosion created Earth He was like, “Earth is pretty sweet, but I’m gonna be super bored if it’s just a bunch of fuggin animals running around.” So He decided He needed to populate earth with a more intelligent species, or, as He put it, “Things that take dumps in private, not just out on the ground and shit in front of everybody.” So, Tabasco went over to a big ass mountain and just started punching it, until all that was left was a sculpture of a super big-tittied woman. Then she came alive, but Tabasco was like, “Earth can’t just have one woman, it needs to have a bunch.” So he made five hundred women, and although they all had varying sizes of boobs, he made sure to declare, “No saggy maggies.”
With woman created, Tabasco thought the earth was pretty sweet, but then He was like, “I don’t wanna be spending all my time creating people, I got shit to do.” So, He rounded up all five-hundred women and He was like, “Listen, I’m gonna make dudes, but instead of making them out of rocks, I’m just gonna bang all of you and my big-ass weiner is going to shoot babies into you. Weird, I know, but whatever. That’s how I want to do it.”
How To Practice
Tobasco Explosion isn't a whiny pussy, so he doesn't need you to tell him how great he is every five seconds. In fact, he only has one commandment. And this is it:
what if i just let my mom deep tissue massage out my j hook dick? that's normal, right? and if i bust a nut on her hand, that's cool too. if some gets in her mouth, who's keeping track? and there's no sink nearby, so she'll just need to swallow it. but to avoid a long and nasty cleanup she'll just have my dick in her mouth when it explodes. oh and she wants to eat a sandwich while she massages, so i guess she'll just massage with her asshole. yeah, that's acceptable to tabasco.
Just because my mom is trying to work the crook out of my dick doesn't mean you have to talk shit. So what if I bust a nut while she massages my cock, consider it a perk of having a crooked dick.
Shiantology IS the religion for today http://www.twitter.com/shiantology
Find yourself questioning religion? Not sure which path to take? Scared to death by Tom Cruise?
Then SHIANTOLOGY may be for you.
A new religion founded on Sunday, February 8, 2009 and characterized by a belief in the power of Shia’s spirit to clear itself of past painful experiences (in particular, hand smashing car crashes and drunken outbursts in Walgreens) through self-knowledge, spiritual fulfillment and copious amounts of Arizona Ice Tea.
Shiantology places an emphasis upon Shia’s immortal spirit, Shiacarnation, an extrascientific method of pshiachotherapy (Shianetics), and, MOST IMPORTANTLY, daily SHIA WALKING POSTS.
Please, it's just the chicken and the egg conundrum, it isn't supposed to make sense dummy. You're telling me you've read the old and new testaments and found nothing illogical about that BS? Religion's about blind faith and trying to find the one least bogus cult to follow that helps you cope with your fear of death and can guilt you the best into not being a complete jaggoff and a general creap to the rest of us.
This one works just as well as any of the others IMO and as far as I know, there aren't any dumb rules that say I have to eat differently on certain days, or waste my days off sitting in a big gawdy building listening to a child molester. Plus, this one has guitars, hot chicks and generally raawks!
I'm on board with this religion, although I will have to denounce my faith to the Church Of The Fonz first though.
(21 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
March 24th, 2009 at 02:31 pm
Consider me converted.
March 24th, 2009 at 03:06 pm
That commandment is a total dealbreaker.
March 24th, 2009 at 03:29 pm
what if i just let my mom deep tissue massage out my j hook dick? that's normal, right? and if i bust a nut on her hand, that's cool too. if some gets in her mouth, who's keeping track? and there's no sink nearby, so she'll just need to swallow it. but to avoid a long and nasty cleanup she'll just have my dick in her mouth when it explodes. oh and she wants to eat a sandwich while she massages, so i guess she'll just massage with her asshole. yeah, that's acceptable to tabasco.
March 24th, 2009 at 04:13 pm
Dude....that's your mom.
C'mon
March 24th, 2009 at 05:20 pm
Just because my mom is trying to work the crook out of my dick doesn't mean you have to talk shit. So what if I bust a nut while she massages my cock, consider it a perk of having a crooked dick.
March 24th, 2009 at 04:12 pm
HELL YEAH. this religion is DANK. count me in
March 24th, 2009 at 04:44 pm
Could I get my Explosianity bumper sticker, please?
March 24th, 2009 at 05:11 pm
i read like six sentences and knew that this was retarded. trying too hard, holytaco.
March 24th, 2009 at 08:41 pm
false
March 24th, 2009 at 05:31 pm
I thought it was hilarious...
March 24th, 2009 at 05:33 pm
Forget about explosianity. It's all about Shiantology! http://shiantology.com/
March 24th, 2009 at 05:35 pm
Shiantology IS the religion for today http://www.twitter.com/shiantology
Find yourself questioning religion? Not sure which path to take? Scared to death by Tom Cruise?
Then SHIANTOLOGY may be for you.
A new religion founded on Sunday, February 8, 2009 and characterized by a belief in the power of Shia’s spirit to clear itself of past painful experiences (in particular, hand smashing car crashes and drunken outbursts in Walgreens) through self-knowledge, spiritual fulfillment and copious amounts of Arizona Ice Tea.
Shiantology places an emphasis upon Shia’s immortal spirit, Shiacarnation, an extrascientific method of pshiachotherapy (Shianetics), and, MOST IMPORTANTLY, daily SHIA WALKING POSTS.
March 24th, 2009 at 05:50 pm
twitter.com/shiantology
EFF the HATERS
March 24th, 2009 at 06:08 pm
Uhhh, how could rivers flow all over the earth before the continents were created?
March 25th, 2009 at 05:09 am
Please, it's just the chicken and the egg conundrum, it isn't supposed to make sense dummy. You're telling me you've read the old and new testaments and found nothing illogical about that BS? Religion's about blind faith and trying to find the one least bogus cult to follow that helps you cope with your fear of death and can guilt you the best into not being a complete jaggoff and a general creap to the rest of us.
This one works just as well as any of the others IMO and as far as I know, there aren't any dumb rules that say I have to eat differently on certain days, or waste my days off sitting in a big gawdy building listening to a child molester. Plus, this one has guitars, hot chicks and generally raawks!
I'm on board with this religion, although I will have to denounce my faith to the Church Of The Fonz first though.
March 24th, 2009 at 09:04 pm
Funny how the first four sentences of this post are 100% true.
March 24th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Yeah, but do you think he could take on this guy? nothing can counter-combat the THUNDERPUNCH!
March 25th, 2009 at 08:49 am
Taco, you missed capitalization of "He" once. Tsk Tsk
March 25th, 2009 at 09:34 am
Norris, you missed the punctuation after "Tsk Tsk". Tsk tsk.
March 25th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
I think it was 4 times.
April 10th, 2009 at 01:26 pm
Shiantology is where it's at!
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