Every fall TV networks throw steaming piles of poo at a wall in the hopes that one is just sticky enough to not fall off and roll away into obscurity. This very rarely works out well, but one or two shows on each network inevitably make it through an entire season and sometimes get to last for years. But do you have the time or testicular fortitude to sit through each of the 500 new shows to find the 6 that aren’t going to make you wish Earth would be swallowed by an interstellar monster with an insatiable appetite for just shitarded television? No. Lucky for you, I’m here to pass judgment on these shows before I even watch them to make it easier for you to do the same.
666 Park Avenue
What You Need to Know: This is a show about a couple who manage an apartment building full of rich people who have all made deals with the devil to get what they want. Not metaphorically. I wish I could have seen the clever language used to pitch this show that made it sound not as dumb as what I just wrote. Because this sounds so dumb.
What You Need to Know: This is the comic book character the Green Arrow, only they changed his name because changing names is cool. There’s buzz for this show. Remember last year when there was buzz for that douche-ass dinosaur show that no one liked? Or how Heroes had buzz until people realized what a loaf of ass it was, too? I just don’t see this working out for long. It’s too earthy.
Beauty and the Beast
What You Need to Know: You know what Beauty and the Beast is about. Worth noting, however, is that there’s literally no goddamn beast in this show. It’s just a guy. If you guessed this lame shit is on the CW, you know the CW.
Fate: Come on.
What You Need to Know: So it’s a show about fire fighters? My God, how cutting edge. Who produces it, the people who made Law & Order? Oh, they do? Well then.
What You Need to Know: Ugh. This is about Sherlock Holmes. But wait,t here’s more! Ya see, Sherlock Holmes is an interesting and classic character. So this is about him in modern times, as a New York police consultant and former drug addict and Watson is Lucy Liu. Lucy Goddamn Liu. Isn’t that so f*cking clever? Look how they made Watson a woman and it’s in New York and he’s an addict so this is all very edgy and new and cool and not cancellable.
Emily Owens MD
What You Need to Know: I refused to even read the synopsis of this show.
Fate: Hyper Cancelled.
What You Need to Know: Oh thank God, Matthew Perry is back on TV in an hilarious show that has the death of a spouse as a driving plot point. You do make us laugh, Matthew.
What You Need to Know: Oh my God. OK, I was just going to say that, but you need to know what I know because you’re not going to watch this thing. It’s about a submarine crew who flee to a NATO base after refusing to fire nuclear weapons (happens all the time) and then declare themselves a sovereign nuclear state. Because they don’t want to be on TV.
What You Need to Know: This show may exist solely to be made fun of. Do you know the sitcom Reba? Of course not, it’s 10 years old and it’s Reba. But Google it. This is literally the same show. I’m not joking.
The New Normal
What You Need to Know: I sat through a video promo for this and wanted to drink bleach.
Fate: Cancelled, by God!