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Fanny Packs: The Accessory of Choice For Militia Members


The fanny pack is one of those accessories that must have seemed like a great idea in the pitch meeting.

“It’s an A-sexual purse that doesn’t require hands!” said a D-list fashion designer.

“So it’s a bookbag,” said his boss.

“No,” the D-list fashion designer replied. “It’s like a bookbag and a purse, but you can wear it on your waist so you don’t have to hold anything!”

“Oh,” replied his boss. “So you mean it’ll be something only trashy body builders and homegrown terrorists will wear?”

“Yeah…I—I guess…” said the D-list fashion designer.

And with that, the fannypack became a thing that you could (and for some reason still can) buy in stores.

It’s been a long time since fannypacks were popular, but one man is brave enough to still sport them. Sadly, that man is a member of an American militia hellbent on killing American politicians and starting a war with the National Guard.

David Burgert, 47, former leader of the Project 7 anti-government militia and fannypack enthusiast, exchanged fire with Missoula County sheriff’s deputies this past Sunday after a vehicle registered to Burgert was reported as being driven erratically. When the deputies showed up, Burgert led them on a low-speed chase through the woods and fired multiple shots. Thankfully, no one was hurt.

So if you’ve been wondering where fannypacks have been all this time and what they’ve been up to, they’ve been sitting atop the asses and tucked beneath the sweaty guts of maniacs that live in the woods alone with only their paranoid personality disorder and massive cache of automatic weapons and homemade explosives to keep them company.

There was once a time in this country when all the cool kids in school would unzip their fanny packs on the playground and everyone would marvel at the sparkling treasures they would pull out. Baseball cards, Blow-Pops, Air Heads, sunglasses their parents got for free from some business conference that bare the logo of some fax machine manufacturer in Des Moines – all kids would stand back in slack-jawed awe awaiting the next item to come out.

But now crazy people that shoot at police officers are wearing them.

How the mighty fanny pack has fallen.

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