Have you ever been caught farting at a party? Of course you have, we all have. But what do you do? You hide your head in shame and make peace with the fact that you’ll be going home early and alone. It’s a part of life. We’ve all been through it a few or few hundred times and we’ve all come out on the other side, relatively unscathed. Though it seems some people can’t handle the mild embarrassment a smelly slip-up brings with any sort of dignity. In particular, I’m referring to Marc Higgins of Bristol, CT, who farted at a party, got made fun of, then stabbed four people, killing one of them. Whoa, Mr. Sensitive! You don’t think there were some alternate ways to handle such a party foul? I think there are several — let’s review:
You’re standing by the punch bowl, like a typical wallflower when you realize the Chi-Chi’s leftovers you ate were a bad idea. Not only because it’s Mexican food, but also because the last Chi-Chi’s franchise closed in the early aughts. But regardless, the mistake has been made and now you must deal with the consequences. You attempt to control every muscle between your chest and thighs with fine precision, but it’s to no avail. You attempt to time the release just as several people are leaving the snack table, but you slip and a blast of foul air is released into the crowd. The small group of beautiful people fall victim to your poor eating habits and you’re forced to make a decision.
Follow the herd
This option has saved many a bean-eater, but it requires a level of confidence and poise that the average person may lack. The moment you realize someone else in the group smells what you’ve been cooking, you make a foul face and look around. Make eye contact with all members of the party while furrowing your brow in an accusatory manner, then leave appearing disgusted.
Blame the dog
This option is only available assuming there is a dog present at the party. When you realize you’ve evicted a smelly tenant from the apartment in your bowels, point at the animal, laugh and make a face. When done with enough confidence and conviction, everyone will join in and your reputation will be saved. To really solidify your case, shout something like “Hey everyone, stop feeding Muffin bean dip! She’s about to clear the room!”
Pro Tip: If you do have gas, and there is a household dog, keep it nearby at all times!
Own up to it
Perhaps the most honorable of all options — claiming responsibility for your act of low-grade terrorism. It’s a route very few will choose to take, but it shows real character, which is something everyone can get downwind of. Once you’ve been busted, you’re going to need to pull from an arsenal of clever quips in order to not sound like someone’s disgusting uncle. I’m not here to provide those for you, you’ll have to come up with your own. Though a personal favorite of mine is “F*ck you, don’t act like you’ve never done it!” — Not exactly charming, but it sends a real message.
Choose one of these options to save face and continue your evening of fun and booze, just don’t stab anyone over it.