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The Fat 5: Beer Flavored Snacks

The modern world is a marvel of technological innovation. You can watch porn on a bus, you can fly to work in a jetpack and you can clone sheep. You probably did all three already today. And the world of unhealthy snacks is no different, it’s advancing by leaps and bounds all the time. For instance, just take a look at how science has taken these normal foods that would otherwise be so boring as to make you contemplate suicide and turn them into tiny slices of heart-stopping joy by adding the taste of beer.

Popcorn

The problem with popcorn is that it always tastes like fluffy corn, unless you put on any one of those millions of flavors you can buy, but who has the time for that? Probably millionaire yacht makers and Jesus, but not you and me.

For regular shlubs like us, when the urge to eat something greasy and yeasty arrives and we don’t have easy access to hookers who take coupons, there’s Pub Corn – it’s popcorn that tastes like beer.

Likely this was invented when some dude spilled his beer in a bowl of popcorn and was too lazy to go make some more, but the rest is history. What two flavors could be more perfect than that? That was rhetorical, by the way.

Cheese Dip

For more advanced snacking, you can grab ahold of Ballard’s Farm beer flavored cheese dip. Usually the only time beer and cheese meet is somewhere in the midst of a vomit cocktail, but inspiration comes at the craziest times.

In the past you’ve probably thought that either beer wasn’t fatty enough or that cheese wasn’t boozey enough and it’d be a cold day in hell before you stooped to that wine and cheese shit all those Frenchmen are going on about at their beret shops, so this is the American version of refined culture, and you can eat it with nachos. Hells yeah.

Sausage

This is so perfect you’ll wonder why you never thought of it before. Sausage with beer in it probably has something to do with how Germany was founded in the first place but it got lost in history. Now the good people at Johnsonville, a company that must be aware their name means dick town, have resurrected that traditional Euro food item by making ground pork in an intestinal casing with beer tossed in available to everyone.

Gummies

Any time you can mix a popular and potentially devastating vice with something that appeals to children, you have a winner on your hands. That’s why we make all out ecstasy look like Spongebob and Emmanuel Lewis. We know what kids like.

And so too does the British company that thought gummy pop bottles were lame but gummy beer bottles were friggin genius. We couldn’t get ahold of a sample of these to try them out, but we did down about two cases of Pabst with a mouthful of gummy bears and honestly, it was pretty awesome. Then we punched out an intern.

Ice Cream

One guy on staff here has a girlfriend (because she doesn’t know he works here yet) and she has this book that says ice cream is all rancid with fat and calories and whatever other stuff ladies put into food that makes the world unhappy. But that book doesn’t know shit about Beer Scream, which is ice cream made with, you know beer. Honestly, we can’t really add anything to the description. It’s booze ice cream. Score.

7 Responses to "The Fat 5: Beer Flavored Snacks"

  1. Plum says:

    Well done fellas. Well done.

  2. IHateBagelBites says:

    This article makes it seem like Beer Brats are some weird sausage. Pretty much the norm up in Wisconsin.

  3. Jo Deanny says:

    OMgosh dude no way. Beer flavored popcorn? Must have!

    Lou
    http://www.anonymity.it.tc

  4. Tweet My Balls says:

    Beer Ice Cream…My everyday’s dream

  5. DonkeyXote says:

    What do you call a toothless bear?

    Scroll down for answer…

    GUMMY BEAR, FAGGOTS!

  6. New guy says:

    The sausage party is a wiener :D

  7. The sausage party is a winner. Oops.