Childish?  Unnecessary?  Sophomoric? No.  Not at all.  Listen, fart jokes are fart jokes and we’ve all heard our share but they exist for a reason – a fart is a real thing with real consequences and there are some places where farts just shouldn’t be happening.  Places where people with tact and grace would never fart (graceful, tactful people fart at Dude ranches and Burger King).  For your definitive list of fart etiquette, you’ve come to the right place.  These are the worst places to put up with someone else’s errant wind.

The Pool

As anyone who’s ever farted in a pool or tub knows, the combination of tepid water and digested stew makes for a potent mix of nasty. Why does the addition of water make it worse?  No one knows.  Science suggests that it condenses the evil spirits produced by your O-ring but I think that’s just hokum.  That said, it’s undeniable that, if you’re in a pool and someone plots gaseous inhumanity, it’s so bad.  It’s just so bad.

Never fart in a pool if you can avoid it.  If you had any idea how much fecal matter is already in the pool you’re in (the CDC says about 58% of pools are contaminated with fecal matter and that doesn’t come from pools, man.  That comes from poop flingers going for a swim) you’d never want to swim again let alone loosen your sphincter enough to release a fart lest a kind of suction be created in the aftermath and suck some of that unholy poo water back inside you.  Do you want someone else’s shit in your ass?  Do you?

Glass Elevator

The addition of the word “glass” may give you pause here but it’s for a reason.  Yes, farting in an elevator is uncouth and unwelcome but a glass elevator is like a magnifying glass for shame.  A glass elevator allows the world, even if no one knows about it, to see you trapped in a fart cube.  You’re like a guinea pig at the pet store, there to be ogled in your sadness and stank.  And the person who farted won’t apologize, they’ll just stand there staring forward like a goon pretending it didn’t happened.  If there are at least 3 people in the elevator they may be able to get away with that but it still happens if it’s just the two of you.  You ever been in an elevator with one other person when they fart and refuse to acknowledge it, and you’re just boggled by both the way a tiny room amplifies stink and also by how this person refuses to acknowledge the truth of the situation?  We all blame farts on other people, the dog, a bog we’re walking past, but if it’s just two people it can’t be done.  You hear me, serial farters?  If no one else is in the room with us we both automatically know who did it so don’t be an asshole about it.

Sexual Hijinks

The sadness of farting during a sexual encounter has no measure.  In fact, I like to think Germans have their own word that has no other meaning than to express the awkward disappointment one feels in one’s self when they fart during a sexual encounter.  English needs that word.

No matter how into the other person you are, the moment you’re exploring their nether crevasses with your face and the sound of a bear playing trumpet announces the presence of the smell of yesterday’s onion soup steeped in roast beef, you’re going to recoil in a panic and that, in turn, makes the other person feel self conscious, offended and embarrassed all in one.

Movies

Where do you keep your popcorn when you’re at the movies?  If you keep it between your legs then you already have a dry heave in the works for just the thought of a fart-permeated bucket of buttery, salty kernels, the smell wafting up and bonding with the diacetyl and Becel in your nose like a dairy cow just shat across the room and you’re snacking on it.

And even if you’re not eating popcorn, the very act of anyone farting in that enclosed space when you’re all together in the dark, sipping tub-sized sodas and eating peanut M&Ms, struggling over arm rests and trying not to breathe in other people’s breath let alone their ass air is awful.

Compact Cars

The cruelty of farting in a car is on par with straight out punching someone for no reason and then staring them down until they leave as though they were the ones that did something wrong.  A fart in a pool or at the movies or anywhere else has one thing going for it that a car aft doesn’t have – location.  You can leave the pool, get off the elevator, disengage from fart sex, but suppose you’re the passenger in a Smart Car and the driver lets loose.  You literally have no choice but to deal with it until such time as the driver is willing to stop driving.  Your fate is in the hands of the kind of person who farts in a small car.  Sure you can open a window but you know as well as I do that the first gust of wind is actually going to push that fart further up your nose.

Don’t fart in the car, man.  Don’t.

PANCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKES!

Kanye West’s new album is called Yeezus.  He debuted 2 new songs on SNL – Black skinheads and New Slaves, the most predictably Kanye West named songs ever.  Because if there’s one thing you can count on from Kanye West it’s over the top melodrama.  He’s a terrifying mix of arrogance help aloft by a chip on his shoulder the size of whatever oppressed nation he feels he lives in as a multi-millionaire with endless opportunities afforded to him.  He is at once oppressed and amazing, the messiah of music and the victim of all things at all times being against him.  In short, he’s an asshole.  Here’s some alternate names for his new album!

1. Purple Douche
2. The Best Album You Own
3. The Beatles Wish They Were Me
4. I Invented Music
5. Outdouching Billy Corgan Since 2009
6. Smellin’ Like a Kardashian
7. George Bush Hates Me
8. Yay for Kanye!
9. Soundgasmitron
10. Audio Triumph
11. Music That is Better Than Sex
12. You’re Welcome
13. Jesus Prays To Me
14. Kanye H Christ
15. Everything I do is the Best
16. That Sign Post Assaulted Me
17. It’s Hard to Be the Best Human Ever
18. I Wish I Could Know How Awesome It is For You To Hear Me For the First Time
19. Heroes < Gods < Kanye
20. Why Does Everyone Keep Calling Me a Twat?
21. Dick to the Power of Infinity
22. Ass
23. The Cistine Chapel Painted Me
24. On the 8^th Day, God Asked Me for Advice
25. Shingles Full of Shit

Best lyrics? Mhhmm huhaan hhuh hggrr aaann hheee

Last week was all about Iron Man again because of course it was, all it had as competition was The Great Gatsby.  This week a new brand of nerdism rears its ugly head and storms into theaters.  Will any other movie have a chance?  Ha ha ha, of course not.

Star Trek Into Darkness

Obviously this is the big release of the week.  Becase spoilers for this are nearly impossible to avoid online, I already know who the bad guy is and that most reviewers seem to think this movie is boring as shit.  Not bad boring, but arguably forgettable.  Like a shrug.  But an OK shrug.  Personally, knowing what I already know of the movie, I can’t be arsed to care one way or the other.  I’m sure it’ll be fine to watch and all but meh, I’m already poised to shrug.  Like a jungle cat waiting for prey, my shoulders are ready to let everyone know I don’t give a shit about this movie at all and the novelty of the casting wore off after the first movie, so this has nothing for me aside from Benedict Cumberbatch, whose name is childishly ridiculous.

Erased

Remember Eraser?  That movie was stupid.  I think it had rail guns in it.  I forget.  What a silly ass movie, from Schwarzenegger’s “who gives a shit” period when everything might as well have been True Lies for all the attention everyone was paying.  If it ain’t Kindergarten Cop, Predator or Terminator, it can eat a bag of dicks.  This movie is not Eraser.  I have no idea what it is.  Lemme go Google the poster.  Oh, it’s Two Face in blue and some girl.  Plus a gun. I’m totally enthralled.

That was sarcasm.

Black Rock

I used to watch Lost and there was a pirate ship on that show called the Black Rock, which was kind of cool.  I never finished watching Lost, I think I crapped out in season 3 or 4.  It sucked, I remember that.  I wanted it to not suck but it was really committed to sucking and I guess I lost the argument.  Kudos to JJ Abrams and crew to sticking with their plan to make the show suck real bad.  I read spoilers about the end and how it was purgatory which everyone guessed in season 1 and the producers continually denied, so that was clever, too, what with the lying and predictability and all.  Good on ya!

The English Teacher

I bet this isn’t a sequel to the English Patient which is good because I never saw that and never wanted to.  I hope this movie is about a sexy English teacher who uses sex to illustrate the points of Shakespeare.  Basically I hope this is a porno with Shakespeare quotes.  I think that would be strangely awesome.

Frances Ha

All things being equal, Frances is a terrible name but to make a movie that explicitly just makes fun of that name is both cruel and complexly hilarious.  It’s a lot of effort to go through to make fun of some dude named Frances.  He probably deserves it though.  Frances.  Heh heh heh.

Stephen Fry knows all about ass gravy and language, yo.

Bartenders of the world come from three schools.  Those who care about customers, those who don’t and those who hate them.  The hateful ones are the ones that make up disgusting shots for others to try to fight their way through and no one knows why they partake of them at all.  Just because you can mix two arguably drinkable substances together doesn’t mean you should or that the resulting mixture isn’t toxic.  But here we are.  I literally tried four of these before I gave up and decided to just write about how I imagine the rest would be.

Hot Mexican Hooker

What it is: Tequila +Tabasco + Tuna Juice

What it tastes like:  Shit, I guess.  Hot, fishy shit.  This was the first drink I mixed because I liked the name and it seemed vaguely taco themed.  The tequila was warm as was the tuna, I don’t know if that makes it better or worse overall.  Tequila, as you know, is the devil’s vomit so when you feel the need to include hot sauce and some salty water that fish has been steeping in for a while, you’re not making anything better for yourself.  It’s worth noting I kept this down despite my stomach’s insistence that it come back up.

Cement Mixer

What it is: Baileys + Lime Juice

What it tastes like:  This entry comes with an asterisk as, to be totally honest, I think this is a decent tasting drink.  I like lime though, and it was a bit sour because I overlimed the sucker, but overall it wasn’t bad in theory.  However, the selling point of this drink is that the Bailey’s curdles in the lime juice so it’s like drinking yogurt and, if you try to do that after drinking a tequila and fish shot, your insides just start to betray you like you wouldn’t believe.  I could literally hear my stomach gurgling as soon as it went down, and I began to lament that this article was going nowhere good.

Horse Jizz

What it is: Beer+milk

What it tastes like:  Bad.  That’s the best way to describe the taste of this.  Yes it curdles, but unlike the cement mixer which, if you can get past the texture, still has kind of a pleasant taste, this was just shit on a shingle.  It’s a simple formula but one that should never have been made at all.  It’s vile and I assume no matter what beer you use it will always be vile.

Prairie Chicken

What it is: Gin+salt+pepper+raw egg

What it tastes like: Salty, thick gin.  I don’t like gin at the best of times, it’s not a really nice sipping beverage or anything.  If you put an egg into it which, I know from history, I can’t really drink even by itself, you’re in a bad place.  Which is to say I promptly vomited after drinking this and then I shut the whole experiment portion of this article down.  Which is good because I did not have the ingredients for the next drink, nor would I have tried it if I did.

Hoihoi tatea

What it is: Apple-infused horse semen

What I imagine it tastes like:  I don’t imagine this.  It was in the news a while back, I think it’s an Australian thing, and it sounds just ridiculous.  Why are you drinking horse spooge?  In what world is such a thing ever necessary?  Because you’re gross?  Awesome, good for you.

Irish Car Bomb

What it is: Guinness+Bailey’s+Whiskey

What I imagine it tastes like: Some people really love Guinness but it’s never really been my thing.  It’s not the worst but it’s not super awesome, either.  But if you toss some Bailey’s and whiskey into the mix just forget it, it probably tastes like the underside of an Irish toilet.

This is a PSA – if you’re not watching Bob’s Burgers you’re letting the terrorists win.

NBC seems determined to ruin itself as a television network.  They’ve scourged their comedy lineup, they rejected a show by the hilarious comedian John Mulaney and, to top it off, they decided to renew Celebrity Apprentice because why should anyone ever watch the network again?  It’s ranking behind all other major networks and Univision.  Univision! That’s unheard of and embarrassing.  So I’m forced to assume they’re on a self destruction spiral and, to facilitate that, I have several terrible show ideas they may want to borrow to help ease the transition into not being a network anymore.   This is all for you, NBC!

The Rob Factor

Rob Kardashian, Robert Englund and Rob Schneider star as three recently laid off math teachers who use their knowledge of math to create a perfect algorithm to measure talent, which they set to work in their brand new talent agency The Rob Factor!  It’s hilarity mixed with sweet harmony in a show that brings the spirit of Glee along with the off the wall comedy of some kind of off the wall comedy as these three characters try to iron out the wrinkles in their formula to try to find the perfect equation for fame!  And what happens when one of the Robs’ ex-wife turns out to be the perfect talent according to the equation?  I’ll tell you what happens, Must See TV!

Happy Berf Day!

Roger Berf (Lorenzo Lamas) is an OB/GYN who is chronically depressed and hates kids.  When he’s court ordered to take in a trio of orphans after running over their legal guardian his world is turned upside.  When it turns out the kids past guardian was a terrible old miser and Berf is an angel by comparison, the good doctor finds himself at his wit’s end.  How will he ever have a normal life again and what will his ex (Sarah Jessica Parker), who always wanted kids, think when she moves back to town?  Uh oh!

Bits and Bobs

Bob Donovan (David Schwimmer) has a problem, he’s a vampire!  Bob Loomis (Josh Harnett) also has a problem, he’s a werewolf!  Both work at the local highschool and both are extremely suspicious about the rash of local “animal attacks” especially since neither one knows the other is half responsible.  What happens when these two friends discover they’re both creatures of the night and how will the students react?  It’s crazy classroom comedy with a modern Twilight twist!

RoboDad

Gary Parker (Brendan Fraser) was a deadbeat dad who never did anything for his three kids or his ex-wife (Juliet Lewis).  But after a freak accident and an experimental procedure turns him from all dead beat into part deadbeat/part robot, how will his new programming to be the best person he can be meld with his old instincts to ditch responsibilities and drink beer?  It’s fun for the whole family, especially when his mother in law (Sally Field) moves in to monitor his programming on behalf of the company that designed him!

Heavens to Betsy

When Betsy Granger (Lisa Kudrow) dies in a terrorist attack, she goes to Heaven.  But a clerical error shows that she’s not on the guest list because they lost her file!  Luckily old St Peter (Larry the Cable Guy) has a plan up his sleeve and that’s to send her back to complete one selfless good dead and then die before anything goes wrong to get back into Heaven.  Unfortunately it’s easier said than done, especially when suicide is a sin!  Follow Betsy’s wacky adventures week to week as she struggles to help others and then accidentally die before committing any sins while St Peter keeps sending her back each time she messes up.

The Crew

Jim, Doug and Paulie (Jason Patric, John Lovitz and Chris Tucker) are best friends, coworkers and roommates.  They’re also the main force behind Sizzle Productions, an adult video company.  As camera, lighting and sound guys they spend their days making porn and their evenings and weekends trying to find love.  But as three guys who have spent years behind the scenes at porn shoots, do they even know what love is anymore?  Watch each week as the three friends bumble their way through the dating scene and try to figure out what it’s all about!

LOVE!