Finally, Someone Has Labeled a Squirrel as a “Loose-Cannon”

For so long squirrels have gotten a free ride from the human race. For so long we have turned a cold shoulder to their devious ways of nut gathering and power line hopping. But things have just changed, and the nutty squirrel turds are hit the fan now that Vermont Public Health Veterinarian Robert Johnson has labeled a rampaging, renegade Vermont squirrel as a “loose-cannon.”

We’ve always known those furry-tailed bastards were up to no good, what with their aviator sunglasses, leather jackets, and constant disregard for no smoking signs. Oh, and human life – their disregard for human life, too.

Little rodent banditos is what they are, and Bennington, Vermont is apparently experiencing a rouge squirrel that refuses to abide by the laws of human decency, probably because he’s a squirrel that gives no f*cks about us fleshy meatbags.

According to the Bennington Banner, the outlaw squirrel has attacked three people.

Seeing as this is obviously the start of a much larger trend, we feel it’s our patriotic duty to teach our readers how to defend themselves from squirrels.

Step 1: Kill it

That’s it. That’s all you have to do to a squirrel to rid the menace from your life. They are one of the most insignificant creatures on earth today.  So step one to kill a squirrel is manning the f*ck up and killing it. It shouldn’t be too difficult. If nothing else, we are a species that has mastered the art of fire arms and explosives. If we can kill each other with ease, we can kill a furry little shit that jumps on our backs and attempts to claw our lungs out with its tiny claws.

So, citizens of Bennington, our message to you is: kick the squirrel in the face and stop bitching.