Who would have thought this would be so complicated? Famous people get arrested for this all the time: that Senator from Idaho, George Michael, the dad from “Family Ties.” Wait, maybe not that last one. He was the guy in Tremors, right? Well either way, what do they know that I don’t? Finding sex in an airport bathroom is harder than I thought.
I read online that this was the right stall. But I’ve been sitting here for five hours. The janitor is starting to get suspicious. I don’t think my fake coughs and fart noises are going to hold him off much longer. If worse comes to worse, I’ll throw this brownie mix in the toilet. That should lend me some much needed credibility if he gets too nosey. I can’t believe I thought ahead and brought brownie mix. I’m always prepared. Must be from my days with the Boy Scouts. Those were good times. I wish they wouldn’t have asked me to leave.
Wait, there’s someone in the next stall! What do I do, what do I do? Does he make the first move, or do I? What’s the signal? Was that a tap? I think it was a tap! Should I tap back. Maybe I’ll whistle. “YMCA?” Nah, too obvious. What about “Raining Men?” Yeah, I’ll use that one. Wait a minute. What’s that smell? Oh god, he is definitely having a BM. Gross! Well, at least I know he’s not here to party.
Jesus Christ, did this guy just come from the Old Country Buffet! It smells like they’re rendering corn in here. That smell is not going away any time soon. What happens when he leaves and I’m in here by myself? I’m just supposed to sit here and breath this in? And what happens if someone does come in looking for sex? They’re going to blame that smell on me and walk out. What if they see my face through the crack in the stall? This could give me a bad reputation. “Don’t have bathroom-stall sex with Steve, he’s into scat!” Nothing is further from the truth. I use baby wipes multiple times a day.
Wait, that was a tap for sure. Is this guy serious? Is he looking for anonymous gay sex in the same bathroom where he just dropped a deuce? That can’t be right! I know I’m new to this whole scene, but there has to be some etiquette. That’s just rude. Another tap? This guy’s for real! Do I answer? How do I say no? There’s no way I’m going near the source of that smell. Unless…maybe he’s expecting me to catch? That would explain a lot, but it’s still rude. Besides, why would he just assume that?
Oh god, that voice? This guy sounds like a sixty-year old woman. What kind of weirdo am I dealing with? Oh, he just wants toilet paper. Thank god! That would have been awkward. I mean, anonymous bathroom sex is pretty awkward to start with, but that would have been a thousand times worse. Well, better give him the TP so he goes away. What are those? Painted nails? This dude’s a tranny or something. Oh my god, why is he screaming and running? Did he even wipe? His scream is so shrill! He sounds like a woman. It also sounds like this weirdo is wearing high heals. Wow, I thought I had issues.
I better get the hell out of here. Just leave the brownie mix, you idiot! What, am I going to go home and cook with it now? I must be the dumbest guy looking for anonymous bathroom sex in the whole world. Hey, this bathroom sure does have a lot of stalls. And what’s that vending machine all about? Tampons? Why the hell would I need a tampon? Oh my god! I’m in the women’s room! Run, you fool! Run!
Finally, this bathroom has urinals. Must be in the right place. Ok, I’m looking for the fifth stall. One, two, three, four, five! Bingo! Occupied? What a sham! What are those sounds? There are two guys in there! Boy, when it rains, it pours. Hey, the one catching looks familiar. Oh my god, it looks like TV’s Michael Gross? I loved you in Tremors 2!