Chris Illuminati is one of those modern writing mainstays whose name pops up in every publication out there. He’s written for [takes a deep breath] Ask Men, Asylum, Penthouse, Cosmo, Maxim, AOL Health and MSN Money. He is the co-author of Assholeology: The Science Behind Getting Your Way – and Getting Away with it, and he’s the sole author of the sequel, Assholeology The Cheat Sheet: Put the science into practice in everyday situations. Add in his blog and his highly active Twitter page, and you can plainly see the man is very busy indeed — too busy to be bothered.
This is why we bothered him by asking him a series of inane questions. We take pride in helping successful busy people procrastinate.
HT: Zombies Have Taken Over The Land, You Have To Arm Yourself. What Zombie-killing Weapons Do Carry With You as You Roam the Post-Apocalyptic Wastelands?
Illuminati: A copy of Suzanne Somers Touch Me: The Poems of Suzanne Somers. “Sure, sure, bite my face off, but first listen to this poem about summer evenings and the Regal Beagle.” Honestly, I’d just let them kill me because who wants to be different in this world. I like blending in and going unnoticed.
HT: You’re a half famous writer, how’d you get into the book-writing game?
Illuminati: Dumb luck. A publisher saw my articles online and said “how would you like to write a book?” I told him I’d be interested so long as it didn’t cut into my hours at the OBGYN. Someone has to hose down the stir-ups.
HT: Did you do a press tour for your book? Any terrible experiences?
Illuminati: I wanted to do a press tour but I’d have to pay for it all out of my own pocket. I did some local signings. One in front of my friends and family. Nothing like reading dick jokes in front of your mother and aunt. Also, I did a Philly book signing at the bookstore on the campus of University of Penn and like eight people showed up. They failed to tell me when I scheduled it would be on the first day of spring break.
HT: Best and worst parts of writing for a living? I vote for not wearing pants as best and constant hate mail as worst. You get constant hate mail, right?
Illuminati: Best part of writing is all the sick ideas in my head make it into my work. The world can read my depravity. The worst is not so much the constant mail but the repetitive mail about “getting into writing.” The person is never serious about it, usually very lazy and always a crappy writer. “How can I start writing for (insert magazine here)?” How about you get some talent? Now get my donut!
HT: What all do you write? Internet comedy and books is great and all, but do you do screenplays? Poetry? Greeting cards?
Illuminati: I’ve got one TV script written, have an idea for a one man show, a couple fiction books started and a letter to the Gorton’s Fisherman people about this fish stick/peanut butter hybrid. It could revolutionize the way we dip our fish sticks in peanut butter.
HT: Best book you’ve ever read? Most overrated?
Illuminati: The Tender Bar by JR Moehringer. Hit close to home because my father owned a bar. Most overrated is The 48 Laws of Power. Read it cover to cover and I’m still not sure what the hell I was supposed to learn. I expected the last line to read “Sucker.”
HT: Unfunniest comedian working today?
Illuminati: Brian Williams
HT: Worst tattoo you’ve ever seen?
Illuminati: Anything on Kelly Osbourne.
HT: Worst trend or meme on the internet?
Illuminati: The fact that EVERYTHING must become a meme. That dumb hat from the Royal Wedding, the little girl holding her ears and the Situation Room come to mind because they all just happened. Oh, and those fucking Hitler movies where getting on my nerves. Funny once.
HT: What’s a funny website not a lot of people know about? What’s an unfunny website too many people know about?
Illuminati: Bacon Or Beer Can (http://www.baconorbeercan.com/) never gets old and I’m not sure it ever will. If a person ever sends or says the word Jib Jab around me I usually punch them in voice box. Mom learned the hard way.
HT: Ever get any terrible messages on your twitter?
Illuminati: There not terrible but I get a ton of people condemning me for being a part of the Illuminati. Which I’m not, but people assume it’s my last name, so I MUST be in the secret society. As if everyone with the last name baker works with bread. I feel bad for the poor Dickson family.
HT: If there was no porn on the internet, what would we fill all that bandwidth with?
Illuminati: Ironic tumblr accounts and slideshows like “547 Of The Greatest Smiles In TV History. Start Here With Number 1!”
HT: Cats, dogs or fish? Justify your answer.
Illuminati: Is this like F, Marry, Kill? I’ll screw the cat (p**sy), marry the dog (loyal and obedient) and kill the fish. That seems logical.
HT: Suppose you were from Egypt or some other country with strict internet regulations. No question really, just suppose that.
Illuminati: I’d pray every day for that zombie scenario. Either that or I’d sell tickets to tourists for the water slide behind the Sphynx.
HT: Quick, plug something!
Illuminati: I’m even a jerk when it comes to parenting. Check out my website Message With A Bottle and Like it on Facebook. http://messagewithabottle.tumblr.com/ and http://www.facebook.com/messagewithabottle?ref=ts