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FISTS OF FURY: THE 5 DIRTIEST PLACES TO LAND A PUNCH

This here be  guest article by Brendan McGinley.  Let’s get ready to rumble.

A good rule of thumb for most of us who aren’t already affiliated with the UFC is to never get in a fight. No one attacks another human being to spread sunshine and gumpdrops, except three-time bantamweight champ Strawberry Shortcake. Fights usually end in busted asses and unmanly tears. Avoid when possible.

Nevertheless, if you have to get into some fisticuffs, there’s a difference between having it out and trying to really hurt someone. There’s a reason Steven Seagal wins every fight he stages; he only plays characters who like to cripple amateur fighters. The only thing that separates him from a sadist is the heavy breathing required for sadism. Dirty fighting is why America doesn’t respect those shady Aussies like Two Faced Jack McGee and Backstabber Dundee, two of that country’s most respected politicians.. Before you throw that punch, ask yourself, “How would John Wayne handle this?” If the Duke wouldn’t do it, neither should you. Incidentally, in every situation, the Duke would throw a haymaker to the jaw. Here’s what he wouldn’t target;

THE KNEE

The knee supports you in much the way the government supports all those dirty vegan hippies who refuse to get jobs and instead eat wheat germ and protest capitalism and fudge and shit. Unlike dirty vegans, we need knees. In fact, we do best with two of ‘em for that “balance” thing humans have going. So yeah, this is a quick way to end a fight while your beer’s still cold. Most people lose their fighting spirit when their opponent possesses the unfair advantage of standing.

So why’s it dirty? It’s not like winding someone with a quick slug to the gut or a furious punch to the chest that sends them spiraling hilariously into cardiac arrest. The knee is a pretty complex piece of equipment. Trying to temporarily disable it with a kick or punch is akin to turning off your iPhone by throwing it out at a wall, which, in some cases, is probably for the best. However, you must always be aware that an ill-timed kneecap attack will actually cripple a man straight into midgetosity. That’s literally where midgets come from.

When’s it okay?

Unless you fear for your life, leave it to the Professional Knee-Breakers Association.

THE LIVER 

The liver is a lot like Tony Soprano; it’s full of bile, has a hand in everyone’s action, and loves rich food. What they have most in common, however, is they both filter impurities from your blood stream. And people want to hit them. Thumping someone’s liver is a way of telling their life processes to take a cigarette break.

MMA fighter Bas Rutten treats livers the way Rambo treats Not America. In fact, you get the idea that punching livers was something that Rutten did as a vocation, and mixed-martial arts became popular at the right time for him. He’s the only man in the world to reject other peoples’ liver transplants. You have no idea how proud we are of that joke. It’s currently on a sticky note on the fridge in the break room.

When’s it okay?

Defending yourself against Bas Rutten.

 

The Kidneys

If you punch a guy in the kidney, he’s going to piss blood. Unless your target ran over your dog, you can’t possibly hate him enough to cause this much terror, despite the perverse way in which it’s still kind of funny, so long as it’s happening to someone else. Generally though, men are more prepared to see a Sarah Jessica Parker movie than a stream of gore flowing from their reproductive equipment.

And that’s if you’re hitting carefully. Tenderize the kidney like you plan to have it for dinner, and you could cause serious internal bleeding, which is–unbelievably–somehow different from and worse than hot torrents of crimson whiz.

When’s it okay?

If you are conducting a war on crime.

THE THROAT

The human neck is chock a block with design flaws considering most people can’t even hold their breath a full minute and some of us are carting around Reese Witherspoon-sized melons on the poor things. If you’re going to punch someone in the throat, you might as well be honest about who you are and bring in a foreign object like brass knuckles or a flute. This is nearly the dirtiest move you can pull without using your fingernails, teeth or their eyeballs. The throat-punch deprives a man of both his oxygen and his ability to scream “shit, my throat!” as he gasps for air. Moreover: what the hell, man? The throat!

When’s it okay?

If your opponent is one of the starting Lakers.

THE GROIN

Sure, those other places can kill you, but at least you’re not pounding someone in the baby bag. You do not beat upon another man’s in the junk; this is a nearly inviolate rule. When you decide to fight a man, you must size each other up and choose whether to engage. But when you beat up his gonads, you’re attacking 500 million sperm who were just sitting around, shooting the shit and feeling thankful that they’re not being smashed by an enraged stranger.

When’s it okay?

These are the only two times when it’s acceptable to attack another man’s groin; when you catch him in bed with your wife and/or if he’s the Incredible Hulk.

 

15 Responses to "FISTS OF FURY: THE 5 DIRTIEST PLACES TO LAND A PUNCH"

  1. poooop says:

    my cousin throat punches, he’s a bitch

  2. farmer wyatt says:

    I am a fan of the tit punch. I think that it is under estimated and not widely used. next time your girlfriend is ride your ass just tit punch her and see how well it works.

  3. themetalchick.com says:

    wat about the head punch?

  4. BLACKY says:

    first bitches

  5. BLACKY says:

    America!!!!!! FUCK YA!!!!!!!

  6. rambo says:

    You forgot the back of a whores head all solied from the sweat, blood and seman she earned.

  7. COLON INSPEKTOR says:

    yea we call that one the “donkey punch”

  8. EL POOKADOR says:

    i prefer to do the vagina punch

  9. pratik says:

    Vaginas are better for a good upper-cut. A straight punch just won’t do.

  10. asshat says:

    the vagina kick is much more effective i have found out, it is also known as the “cunt punt”

  11. sick bastard says:

    except for the crotch, I honestly can’t see a problem with hitting someone in any of the places mentioned

  12. aPlateOfGrapes.com says:

    This article was definitely better than Cats. I will read it again, and again, and again…

    Also, that liver bit was classic; put it on your resume.

  13. Acai says:

    The fist to the throat is the absolute worst.

  14. J Van Buren says:

    THE GROIN IS THE WORST
    bad high school memories

    http://www.leftos.com/jeezyj87

  15. emily says:

    how do you make a fist in the first place?