By Jared Jones
La-dee-frickin’-da, this year’s Miss USA was crowned last night, following a grueling four hour live finale that even the gayest man would only be able to describe as “insufferable.” Her name is Nia Sanchez, aka Miss Nevada, and she probably really loves Instagram and volunteering for her local community and all that good stuff. I look forward to seeing her crown revoked following a sex tape scandal in the following months.
My tone may be a bit cynical, but let’s face it: Miss USA pageants, along with Miss Teen USA pageants, Miss Universe pageants, and the cesspools of human existence that are child beauty pageants, are and have always been the creepiest, most repugnant form of female validation. Even worse, these pageants are treated like actual sports competitions these days, with runway-side announcing teams, “expert” analysis, and musical interludes performed by generic, laughably whitebread country-rap bands. Oh, a forty minute montage of each contestant handing out ribbons at a county fair while “Roar” by Katy Perry plays in the background? More pomp and circumstance, please!
The Miss USA competition should not be about which woman can wear an evening gown best or who can answer a question about maps without having an aneurysm. No, they should be equal parts Fear Factor and The Gong Show (with maybe some Chopped thrown in there for good measure), because if it’s vapid approval these ladies are seeking, we should at least all be upfront about the degradation necessary to achieve it. The excruciatingly dull fluff-fest that Miss USA has become is in need of a makeover, pun so intended, starting with the addition of a few new, more American competitions. A few examples…
Hot Dog Eating
Hot-dog eating is perhaps the most American thing to ever be invented. It is given coverage on ESPN every year, was the subject of a True Life documentary, and is actively pissing in the face of Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity campaign (U-S-A! U-S-A!!). Not only that, but factoring such a skill into the contest would also silence the moms of overweight children complaining about the lack of “real women” and rampant superficial impulsive libidinous materialism inherent in Miss USA competitions. It’s a win-win for everyone involved, so suck it, superficial impulsive libidinous materialism!
If there’s one thing the Miss USA pageants are lacking, it’s excitement. Hearing Miss Arkansas talk about growing up on a farm and working the hayfields day after day is not only boring, but absolute nonsense. In all my years of working on farms, I have never once encountered a 6’1″, 36-24-36 blonde cleaning out a pig trough while reeking of animal feces unless I did so online. These ladies want to prove that they’re as rough and tumble as they say they are? Put them on stage with a two-ton, pissed off killing machine and let the hair extensions fly.
Sinkers and Floaters
I have no legitimate reason why this game should be considered for Miss USA, I just really miss MXC/Takeshi’s Castle and would love to see next year’s crop of contestants attempt to pull this off in high heels and ballroom dresses.
As we’ve discussed before, lingerie MMA is a pointless, depressing exercise in misogyny that needs to be put to bed immediately (I got these puns all day!). The same can be said about beauty pageants, where women as young as 7 are judged on their ability to flaunt a bikini for grown-ass men who claim to be “judges” but are more often than not pedophiles and sex offenders. How these two forms of sweaty-palmed exploitation have not yet been combined remains a mystery.
Legends of the Hidden Temple
Legends of the Hidden Temple was less a game show and more a grueling, twelve-hour test of wills meant to strip away any semblance of self-esteem the 11 to 14-year-old children who dared compete on it might have. Combining trivia questions, Double Dare-esque challenges, and culminating in the mazelike “Temple Run” segment, Legends was essentially a study in humiliation, a Sisyphean purgatory from which joy or quote unquote “prizes” could never be obtained.
And not to knock the intelligence of Miss USA contestants or anything, but suffice it to say, I would pay upwards of ten thousand dollars to watch them attempt to identify where Blackbeard was born while being pelted with foam fruits from afar. I’m sure most of you would too. Beauty pageants drag on far too long as it is, and enforcing some good old fashioned, Hidden Temple-style challenges would easily cut down on the marathon of self-aggrandizing speeches and back-patting that they’ve become. Hell, I say bring back host Kirk Fogg to mock the contestants efforts with his white Steve Urkel voice and Indiana Jones meets Revenge of the Nerds outlook on proper jungle attire. Should be good for a couple laughs.