Five Human Centipedes I’d Like to Create

I’ve sat through some pretty disgusting films in my day: Cannibal Holocaust, Nekromantik, and Away We Go, just to name a few. But I recently watched The Human Centipede, and I have to say, it’s near the top of the list. The ending disturbed me in a way that most other gross-out films aren’t able to pull off. And the planned sequel, Human Centipede II (Full Sequence), supposedly makes the original look like “My Little Pony.”

For those of you who live under a rock, the film is about an insane German doctor who sews people together ass-to-mouth style, forming a new “creature” with a “single” digestive tract. Maybe it’s just because I’m getting older, or maybe it’s because I didn’t really watch the film and only read about it on Wikipedia, but I haven’t been able to shake the disturbing imagery. However, rather than mope around like a gloomy Gus contemplating surgically imposed ATM, I started thinking of ways to turn my frown updise down. This is what I came up with.

Behold, five human centipedes I’d like to create.

will.i.am, Perez Hilton, Fred Phelps

Where is the Love?, Let’s Get Retarded in Here, Tonight’s Gonna Be a Good Night: yes, wil.i.am’s crimes are many. But at the end of the day, one of his boys gave Perez Hilton a black eye, so he gets to lead this train (in case you can’t tell, the front is the best spot, for obvious reasons). Perez is next, because the middle is the worst (again, for obvious reasons). Fred Phelps is right behind Perez, because I can’t think of a more deserving person to be stapled mouth-first to the "Queen of All Media" than that awful bigot. God loves centipedes!

The Cast of the View

What better way to shut these cackling hens up then by surgically fusing their mouths and anuses? I suppose you could ask them nicely, but this way is more fun. The only downside would be determining who gets the luxury of being at the front. Barbra Walters created the show, so she’s definitely getting a spot in the middle. Whoopi Goldberg is the idiot who runs the discussion, so we can’t let her off easy. Sherri Shepherd thinks the world is flat, didn’t think anything predated Christianity, and doesn’t vote because she couldn’t figure out the dates. That leaves Joy Behr and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who are slightly more tolerable than the others, but equally as bad. Perhaps rather than decide, this centipede can just loop in on itself with no beginning and no end? Nah, that’d just be ridiculous. Behr can be the front.

Lauren Zalaznick, Tony DiSanto, Liz Gateley, and Ted Harbert

I could sit here all day listing "reality stars" who deserve to be part of a human centipede, but it wouldn’t really be fair. That’s like telling a bunch of retarded kids you’ll give a candy bar to the one that yells the loudest, and then getting mad when they all start screaming. It’s not their fault. No, the blame for the Snooki’s, the Spencer Pratt’s and the Real Housewives of the world lies with these people. Lauren Zalaznick is a big wig programing exec at Bravo, Tony DiSanto (right) and Liz Gateley (left) turned MTV into the sh*t-show it is today, and Ted Harbert helped mold E! into its current shape. Zalanick goes first because "Top Chef" is awesome, and Harbert gets the end, cause "The Soup" is funny. DiSanto and Gatleley get the middle, because MTV is worse than Satan.

Jesse Jackson, Bill Donohue, Al Sharpton, Glenn Beck, Gloria Allred

The reason these people made the list is simple: they talk to much. Jesse and Al pretend to speak for all blacks. Bill pretends to speak for all Catholics (isn’t that the pope’s job?). Glenn pretends to speak for all morons. And Gloria Allred pretends to speak for whoever will get her face in the limelight. Let’s hope the limelight is coming out of Glenn Beck’s ass, cause you’re P5, beotch.

Jessica Alba, Faye Reagan, and Me

Let’s face it, I get paid to sit and write crap like this all day. If anyone in this world deserves to have their mouth sewed to an ass, it’s me. But I’m the one making the list, so the ass belongs to Faye Reagan, and I’m throwing in Jessica Alba. Why? Screw you, that’s why!